Lord, I so want to live! Today I was at the doctor .... A couple of months I went to the doctor with complaints about a terrible headache, today I was diagnosed with an exact diagnosis: brain cancer, a life span of six months, only six. Only my mother knows, she did not tell anyone else, I do not know if I should, I want to continue to study and lead an ordinary life until the very last moment, until I die.
I die ... Will I die? It sounds kind of strange, I never did this combination of words, of course I knew that someday I would still die, but not now, not at 19 years old.
I'm happy, I have a favorite thing, music, I wanted so much, I did not say a lot of words, I did not play music, I have to catch at least some of everything, I'll try. Mom was crying today, I'm not, I do not know why, maybe I did not understand yet, but no, I understood. My mother also said that I am strong and that I will survive all this. The diagnosis is disappointing, only 3 months of normal life, then the torment will begin, not only for me, but for my family, slowly, very slowly, my brain will die, and with it.
Music ... this is my life, the whole life, I do not remember whether it was such that I was without music, but was it? I will play to the last, I will not lose my hand while I'm playing - I live.
A lot or a little, six months, for a healthy person, probably not enough, but for me it's very much, it's all life.
I love my mother, I love very much, now I think why I cuss with her so often, it's silly, it's not worth living.
I love Dima, I will not tell him anything, I'm afraid I do not know whom I regret, myself or him. He is now far away, six time zones from me, I'll see you only in a month and a half, I would live. I cried, for the first time today, and I hope that the more you regret yourself, the more difficult it will be. I'm so happy with him when he kisses me on the forehead and nose, looks for freckles on his face, smiles, holds his hand. Thanks to him, I understood a lot, he helped me understand, suggested how best to do, explained something like a father. I have to do something, I'll go to him, I will make a surprise, I'll think up an excuse, I'll think of something. I do not have enough of it right now ....
I do not want this snotty pity, I do not want to be pitied and told in the past tense, these views of pity, they will not look me in the eye, I do not want ...
I want chocolate cake, champagne, and more at the skating rink, go to school, see everyone, tomorrow I'll do it all, cake first.
My head is slightly sore, yesterday there was blood from my nose, my mother was very scared. But she tries not to show me anything, keeps, yesterday night she heard how she prayed, so quietly quiet. I have not slept for three nights already, and she, too, all this torments me, too. From one thought that in a couple of months I'll be a lying log - I'm scared.
Suicide, I'm not considering, I'm strong, but a coward, and I can never do it, I'm sure I can not, life is not given to us to cut it off like this.
Time 00.00, I ran for the cake and champagne, I'll go to my friend, now, you can not waste time .... Lord, how I want to live!
