A friend told me to use a stanza of my poem to write another one. According to him, that stanza is particularly good. The original poem is right here
This is the second stanza;
My voice has grown light,
My thoughts are scattered,
Like yellow leaves falling off the trees.
I can see the flicker of light behind my eyes,
Like an errant firefly,
Waiting for me to reach it.
This is what I came up with. I wanted to begin with everything at first but figured I could break them apart and write something in-between. Read and tell me what you think.
My voice has grown light,
My thoughts are scattered,
Like yellow leaves falling off the trees.
I can feel breath leaving my body
Bit by bit
Like a deflating balloon
I'm like an exhausted child
So bullied by the world
He could barely stand
But something is different
This time the dark clouds can't hold me down
I hear their gasps as they struggle
I can feel the sun on my face
The smiling rays beckoning to me
The warmth melting my insides
There's a flicker of light behind my eyes,
Like an errant firefly,
Waiting for me to reach it.
