August 15, 2019. Part 5.
06/09/2004: There is always a limit. What do you propose to do about that?
06/10/2004: Alexandra Beaches couldn’t get enough of that old time religion.
Her husband, Mort, groaned and mumbled, “Sandy, if you’re going to lift your voice unto the Lord, do you think you could hold off ‘til morning? I gotta get some sleep!”
06/11/2004: Corruption begins at home.
06/14/2004: Ya fall down; ya get up. How hard is that?
06/15/2004: Sanity only takes you so far. For the rest, you need American Express.
06/16/2004: No matter what we have been taught by movies and TV, psychiatrists are not maintenance men of the mind.
06/17/2004: not being sneaky: “Forget what you think you saw, I’ve been here the entire
time.”
being sneaky: “Sure, the grassy knoll. I had a perfect view. A terrible thing, don’t you think? A terrible thing.”
06/18/2004: If I stop asking questions, go ahead and call Funeraria Oliver; because even if I’m still moving, it means I’m dead.
06/21/2004: The truth will not set you free, but it makes for interesting dinner conversation.
06/22/2004: We can’t all be Mozart. But that Salieri, he was no slouch.
06/23/2004: Dubious Aphorisms
#1 If at first you don’t succeed, farm it out.
06/24/2004: Dubious Aphorisms
#2 Home is where the TV is (got cable?).
06/25/2004: Complete sentences.
06/28/2004: Teenagers are like vampires: One minute they’re all warm and cuddly and the next, they are alien creatures trying to suck out every drop of your blood.
06/29/2004: A smile will never go out of style. . . . But really, you need to change that shirt!
06/30/2004: “Psst! Breakfast is the most important meal, but you didn’t hear it from me. –What happens when the Department of the Family recruits former Police Informants.
07/01/2004: Only fast food is eternal.
07/02/2004: Are you the subject or the direct object?
07/06/2004: An educated person should never resort to profanity, but sometimes ya just gotta say “*!#@ you!”
07/07/2004: Some prefer silence to speaking for they have naught to say; others because they have not the truth within them.
07/08/2004: Money is like water in that you can’t really hold on to it no matter how much you try; and I’m feeling particularly dehydrated.
07/09/2004: ASSORTED SAYINGS FOR A CYNICAL CITIZENRY: 1. If all else fails, honesty is the best policy.
07/12/2004: Who really knows the worth of a plugged nickel?
07/13/2004: Seven up to the minute rice-a-roni, a San Francisco treat.
Seven up yours is no disgrace is what it is.
Seven upstanding gentlemen prefer that blondes have more fun.
Seven, it’s everywhere you want to be.
07/14/2004: Mix me up a sloe-gin metaphor; icy and slinky smooth, that’ll go down like a cold description racing for alcoholic glory.
07/15/2004: “First you’re born; then you die.” Is that an immutable law or a deeply held system of belief?
07/16/2004: When they finally reached the summit, God’s light blinded them with its brilliance. The bravest among them stood before the light; taking a deep breath to calm his fear, he asked, “Oh Lord, we come to you to ask: What is the meaning of Life?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I’m just making it up as I go along.”
07/19/2004: What did you learn from your children today?
07/20/2004: Hypocrisy makes the world go ‘round. Look how well we’re doing!
07/21/2004: Groucho Marx for President.
07/22/2004: Okay, so coffee is not the nectar of the Gods. . . . The orange juice of the Gods, maybe.
07/23/2004: A secret is a lie that hasn’t been born yet.
07/27/2004: Restrict Freedom and you hobble Evolution; Freedom is Darwinian.
07/28/2004: So who is pulling Bush’s strings?
07/29/2004: “Forgive me for mumbling,” apologized Peter, “it’s just that my foot is a size nine and my mouth is only size seven.
07/30/2004: Read my lips: Gun control.
08/02/2004: If a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it, can it still be sold for an obscene profit to an environment-destroying lumber mill?
08/03/2004: Scientists are people too. If you don’t believe me, try poking one with a stick.
08/04/2004: The number of the Beast is actually “27”; try selling that to the viewing public.
08/05/2004: As it turns out, no one knows the way to San Jose.
08/06/2004: Webster’s New Music Dictionary defines the tenor saxophone as a bassoon on steroids.
08/09/2004: Trust is hard, but think of the alternative.
08/10/2004: When I said I would be there in a minute, what I really meant was:
Holding your breath at this juncture would be ill-advised;
I hope you’re not bleeding to death,
because I’m going to take my own damn time.
08/11/2004: ASSORTED SAYINGS FOR A CYNICAL CITIZENRY: 2. Honesty is the best policy, but chicanery is faster.
08/12/2004: Look, I’m sorry, but smoking is just stupid.
08/13/2004: If intelligence and sophistication don’t do the job, there’s always brute force and ignorance.
08/16/2004: Please don’t feed the scientists.
08/17/2004: If you are unsure about the advisability or morality of a contemplated action, try explaining it to your kid.
08/18/2004: The past is an attractive hiding place if you can stand the cuisine.
08/19/2004: Proceed with caution: Wild researchers loose.
08/20/2004: Dubious Aphorisms
#3 An apple a day is about $9.00 per month. How much is the deductible?
08/23/2004: Henny Youngman Buys a Lemon: Take my car. . . . Please.
08/24/2004: Beauty is the beholder’s internal act of imposing a pleasing pattern on chaos.
08/25/2004: Conflict is everywhere and cannot be avoided. How we choose to react is the only choice we have.
08/26/2004: George W. Bush: Clown or criminal . . . or criminal clown?
08/27/2004: Empathy is a particularly human emotion.
08/30/2004: Relationships come and go, but a good addiction lasts forever.
08/31/2004: Hansel and Gretel - Victims of an evil witch or home invaders?
09/01/2004: George W. Bush: I don’t know whether to laugh or sentence him to the electric chair.
09/02/2004: “ ” That John Cage, he was really on to something, wasn’t he?
09/03/2004: To be human is to try to understand.
09/07/2004: Our society professes to value innocence and purity, but have you ever seen a Barbie Doll?
09/08/2004: Your current vehicle is always either the best or the worst of its kind.
09/09/2004: “Fair” so rarely is.
09/10/2004: George W. Bush: he’s smarter than the average bear pig dog frog tree single-celled organism . . . George W. Bush: he’s human . . . probably.
09/13/2004: -Do you like to eat?
-Yeah, I like to eat. Do you like to eat?
-Sure, I like to eat.
-Then let’s go eat.
09/14/2004: Life is a bowl of cherries; mine is the pits. – Attributed to Eeyore after Pooh walked away with his first Oscar.
09/15/2004: -No work: hurricane.
09/16/2004: The stomach has no loyalty.
09/17/2004: Wisdom temporarily suspended due to rain. [alt: Wisdom called on account of rain.]
09/20/2004: Money isn’t the root of all evil, but it’s a helluva place to start.
09/22/2004: Even the best parents don’t know their children.
09/23/2004: Ignorance is not a new disease, but it sure has been perfected in the last few decades.
09/26/2004: Bonanza Worship: Rejoice unto the Lorne.
09/27/2004: Watts goin’ on? [There was no electricity today. Okay, it’s silly; so shoot me!]
09/28/2004: Tact is telling your boss that that’s a great idea!
09/29/2004: Class is holding the car door open for your sweetheart; no-class is making her sit on the gear shift knob.
09/30/2004: The Merry Misogynist strikes a blow for assholes everywhere. Computers are like women: Every time you think you have them figured out, their programming goes wackydoodle.
10/01/2004: Using language is like driving a car: You don’t need to know how to rebuild the engine, but it would sure help if you could change the spark plugs.
10/04/2004: You can learn anything you want.
10/05/2004: Exhaustion robs me of inspiration.
10/06/2004: 100% Home-brewed wisdom. Carefully chosen words and concepts, mixed and prepared using a secret family recipe handed down from generation to generation.
10/07/2004: Language is one of the most powerful tools available; it helps us create things of beauty, power, and utility. Why then are so many of us trying to build a house with a toy hammer and saw?
10/08/2004: Ideas are not enough.
10/11/2004: Language is substitution and misdirection; it is beauty and awe. Language is magic.
10/12/2004: Character is what remains after deleting all the bullshit.
10/13/2004: She told me to go find myself; who do I ask for directions?
10/14/2004: And the sweet sound of birds singing in the new day.
10/15/2004: It is unwise to be born at the end of an era.
10/18/2004: The fact that an action is self-serving in no way diminishes its positive results.
10/19/2004: [re: the biometric time clock at work] I am one step closer to the beast.
10/20/2004: All the world’s a stage. Are you a character or a prop?
10/21/2004: Would that life had an “undo” button.
10/22/2004: Remember that it is your anger and not anyone else’s.
10/25/2004: Destiny is mutable.
10/26/2004: Belief is not subject to negotiation.
