When I was young, I had a traumatic experience in a resort. My older cousin took me and my other cousin (who was also around my age) to the adult pool. My cousin and I stayed by the pool steps because it was too deep for us. We were just looking at our older cousin swimming on the other side.
Long story short, things happened so quick and everything became a blur. I literally forgot how my cousin and I ended up drowning in the pool. But I can still vividly remember how it felt like. I was panicking trying to catch some air, I wanted to scream for help but it just made me drink the pool water, I kept reaching my hands out desperate for someone to pull me up. I got scared for awhile. When my body got tired, I remember I was just looking at the reflection of the sun's light. I remembered how quiet it became then my mind wasn't thinking about anything anymore.
Fortunately, our older cousin saw and saved us. I was crying so hard, traumatized, choking and confused. When I came back to my senses, I was angry and disappointed at myself because I actually know how to swim since I was little. How can I possibly forget how to swim that time?
When the pandemic hit and affected my family, I never thought I'd get the same feeling that I felt when I almost drowned. As our problems kept piling up and my responsibilities getting bigger, I've been panicky and anxious. I was struggling and I thought I can still handle it but at some point I got tired. I convinced myself that people abandoned me because I didn't get the help that I needed. There was a time when I gave up trying. I wanted to literally stop thinking and stop breathing. I wanted my mind to be quiet like how it was underwater.
No, this is not an inspirational post where things get better. It still isn't and I kinda still feel the same - like I'm drowning. But this time I became more hopeful, holding on to that ray of light that will remind me that it is still worth trying to get out of the water, to remember how to swim and save myself from drowning, to breathe and start again.
The photo I posted at the top was during my birthday (3 days ago) when I enrolled a freediving introduction class. I want to replace the vision of the traumatic experience with this photo of me enjoying and becoming comfortable with the pressure, the current and the uncertainty of the deep.
Welcome to Chill with Shanna. Shanna is a life enthusiast and a wanderer. She is easy going, spontaneous and want to challenge herself by testing her limits. She aspires to be an effective storyteller and content creator.
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