The work day is ending, and almost nothing is crossed out on your task list. You feel guilty for not doing more. But this emotion is useless and unhealthy. What can you do with her? What should you do with the feeling that you are letting down your colleagues, boss, clients - and even yourself? How do you learn to see that you are giving all your best? And are there any strategies that make it wiser to deal with your endless list of tasks?
What experts say
The shame that you feel at the end of the day that you didn’t do what’s planned often comes from unrealistic expectations, says Heidi Grant, director of research and development at the EY consulting company and author of several books (including the book Nobody Me does not understand"). “Most of us are too optimistic. We start the day with expectations and plan to redo a variety of things, ”says Grant. “But the problem is that we do not fit our expectations into the reality of our daily work.”
Therefore, at 6 p.m., we invariably experience anxiety and guilt. “When you look at the list of things to do, it starts to seem like you're not good enough,” said Whitney Johnson, a manager’s coach and author of several self-development books (the last of which is Disrupt Yourself). Johnson, however, emphasizes that you should not consider yourself a failure.
Three allies will help defeat shame due to work done. The first is a more reasonable attitude towards the gradual deletion of items from your to-do list. The second is more skillful management of your (and others') expectations about what you can actually do in a day. Third, self-empathy in the event that you do not meet these expectations. So here is what you need to do.
Rethink the situation
Imagine that your inner voice is plaguing you again, claiming that you are letting your colleagues down, and your boss is annoyed that you cannot finish some tasks. According to Grant, in this case, the essence must be recognized in these negative thoughts. These thoughts are “the story you are telling yourself.” According to Heidi, there are no prerequisites for worrying about some situations. “This is not an objective truth; you yourself decide that you are to blame for what is happening,” Grant said. Instead, you need to take the opportunity to rethink the situation.“Ask yourself: is it possible to look at all this from a different angle?”, The expert recommends. You can, for example, realize the following: “Today I worked hard (a) and did (a) everything possible. I hope that tomorrow I will do more, and my colleagues may understand me, because they are also busy people."
Reevaluate Your Performance
Thinking about what factors are stopping you from doing what you are doing will help you to recognize that sometimes circumstances are simply irresistible. “If you think about why you are not doing everything you want, the reason in most cases will be that you met someone else’s needs,” says Johnson. “Your client, colleague, boss - and maybe even a family member - needed your help, and you rendered it.” Johnson recommends replacing the question “What have I achieved today?” the question "What contribution have I made today?". So you can understand that you were more productive than you thought before.
Recognize Your Limitations
According to Grant, sometimes blame due to unfulfilled work includes shame for the inability to fully realize their potential. It can be expressed by the words "If I worked harder and longer, I would achieve more." This anxiety can be caused, in particular, by myths about the attitude toward personal growth. Today, employers instill in employees the idea that they can always do something better if they put in more effort. However, although improvements are always possible in order to achieve them, a goal is needed (not to mention time, energy and resources). Therefore, if you feel guilty for not achieving your intended success, try to admit that this emotion is rooted in “reluctance to acknowledge your limitations,” Johnson says. According to her, you need to abandon what is less important for you. “Never explain your refusal to do something because you cannot handle it. Motivate the rejection by the fact that it is not worth it to invest your time and energy in it, ”the expert advises. Simply put, do not spray on trifles and sweep away the excess.
Take your to-do list pragmatically
You can not only eliminate the psychological consequences of not completing all the tasks on the list, but also learn how to better manage your time. There are many ways to do this, but first try taming your to-do list.
Conduct a retrospective analysis. Grant recommends such an experiment. Every morning, write a regular to-do list, and at the end of the day see how many items are made of it. After a week or two, calculate how many points you deleted on average every day. Your goal is to feel how much work you can really do in a day to learn how to manage your expectations and evaluate their realism.
Reduce your to-do list. Then you need to “bring your list to the right size,” Johnson points out. If by the end of the day only one or two of the twenty items in your list are deleted, this will demoralize. No wonder you feel guilty. “Long lists are unrealistic,” the expert believes. Reduce them, leaving only deliberately realistic goals.
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Choose what to focus on.** “Whether you feel guilty at the end of the day depends on your behavior at the beginning,” Johnson said. “When rewriting your to-do list, select from them a few that really need to be done, and focus on them.” Set priorities ruthlessly. “A day consists of a certain number of hours, and you need to make a choice on what to focus your attention on,” Grant recalls.
Pay attention to how your to-do list changes (or does not change). If you notice that some points linger in it for a long time, Grant suggests you ask yourself: “What is the difference between the deleted and remaining cases? Maybe I don’t know where to start? Or are tasks too complicated for me? Is it necessary to break them into small parts? "Do I not miss the opportunity to gradually deal with these tasks during the day?" If the answers to these questions are positive, you probably need to take time on the calendar to finish these things, because you can’t deal with them spontaneously.
Accept the feeling of incompleteness. Try to be calm about the idea that you will never catch up and at the end of the day there will always be things that you so wanted to do. “Deal with it,” Grant recommends. “This is the nature of work in our era.” Accept that your list will always be “incomplete,” the expert adds. This advice is especially useful for those who have achieved certain career successes in their company and have taken a leadership position.
Build Expectations
When you recognize your boundaries and adjust your to-do list to them, the time will come to shape other people's expectations. No need to please anyone and promise more than you can fulfill, Johnson explains. By clearly explaining whether it would be prudent for you to take on this or that task, you will avoid constant requests to do what you can’t do, Grant adds. According to her, it will also help you establish your boundaries, thereby reinforcing previously made decisions. Moreover, openness about what you can handle can often help you recognize that, in general, your colleagues and boss are understanding and reasonable people. This is how Grant explains it: “We tend to think that people react to our behavior much worse than they actually are. When you inform people of their limitations, and they take it for granted (which usually happens), you realize that there is nothing regrettable in your behavior. ”
Practice self empathy
Of course, you could be a little more agile in allocating your time, it is better to formulate others' expectations, but in the end, the main thing you should do is choose the right course towards your well-being, Grant said. You need to find a way to maintain mental performance and stop getting hung up on your to-do list. You can only do one thing at a time, and that will never change, the expert recalls. Instead of fixing on three unfinished deeds, rather praise yourself for 17 deeds done, Johnson advises. In such situations, internal positive dialogue with oneself also helps. “Tell yourself: I worked hard today; I did my best; I have worked hard and should be proud of it, ”Johnson recommends.
be patient
You should not expect that the fault will quickly and easily disappear due to the work done. “I can’t promise that by reading this article you’ll get rid of guilt forever,” Grant says. You have to deal with this feeling all the time. Get ready to feel guilty and analyze this feeling again and again, the expert notes. “Sometimes it will be harder, sometimes easier. The thing is that this is a process, ”Johnson explains. Fortunately, if you implement the practices proposed above - in particular, accept incompleteness, it will be easier for you to stop reproaching yourself for the work that you have not done.
Principles for Remembering
Rethink the situation. When you feel guilty, ask yourself what story you are telling. Try to look at what is happening from a different angle.
Recognize that the help you provide to others is a key component of your performance. This contribution helps your organization move forward.
Accept the state of incompleteness. Try to put up with the fact that your to-do list will never end, and there will always be cases that you so wanted to do.
Not necessary:
Follow long to-do lists. Shorten your list, leaving only intentionally realistic goals in it.
Reevaluate the available time, energy and resources. Decide to abandon some goals, because spending your resources on them is irrational.
Expect shame and guilt to suddenly disappear. Fighting guilty feelings is an unlimited process, and you need to be prepared to analyze your emotions again and again.
About the author. Rebecca Knight is a journalist and lecturer at Wesleyan University. Author of articles in The New York Times, USA Today and Financial Times.
