The Biggest Failures of Our Lives are right here, front and center. Shown in Technicolor. Blasting in Dolby Digital Plus. Our catalog is rerun more frequently through our brains than Full House is on cable TV. R.I.P. Bob Saget.
Congrats! You've subscribed to The Failure Channel! No monthly fees. No contract necessary. And you can cancel at any time. But, you won't...
I can hardly remember what I did last Tuesday, but that major job interview I botched five years ago? I have Total Recall. Every. Stupid. Word.
Wrestling with the past has been my absolute favorite pastime. Learning to make peace with the past has been a slow but progressive journey. And it's one I suggest you develop the skills and insights to do if you'd like to enjoy the rest of your Life without Zanex. Don't Look Back. Looking back is unproductive and leaves a painful crick in your neck that no masseuse can muscle out.
Why do we dwell so much on the past? What do we think we can change about what's done? And why do we wish to relive our most painful moments of disappointment and every self-destructive action of our existence?
I have a mint collection of binge-worthy Best of Failure shows that could fill a modest Hollywood Studio. And I seem to enjoy popping in a few episodes every day to give my mind something to do when all else is quiet.
Brushing your teeth? Remember that Time your Ex dumped you?
Driving to work? Let's replay when you lost your job, and the World fell apart as if an asteroid smashed into it. Don't Look Up!
How about a nice, hot shower? Cue the clip when you forgot to play Megabucks, and all of your numbers popped out on ping pong balls one after another. Bingo!
And your head can be harder. But there's Hope. There's always Hope, Friend. And it is possible to put a damper on all of those Negative Thoughts, if not evict them completely, should you choose to do so.
And it IS a choice. You hold the remote - despite what your current significant other might tell you. Should you choose to, you can fast forward through these reruns, skip them entirely, or even better - delete them completely. Here's how...
So often, when we replay our worst moments, we're focusing on how we felt in that moment of Defeat. Shame. Humiliation. Incompetence. Fear. Such a happy collection of Human Emotions. But what about the facts involved? Could examining those details add greater perspective to our reverie?
I completely bombed an important interview for a high-profile promotion I thought I wanted very badly a few years ago. (I had been downsized out of that role a few years earlier.) Over the next three years, I'd replay that interview in my head, revisiting all of the negativity and embarrassment resulting from that horrific interview.
I missed out on the big salary. My colleagues who assumed I was a shoo-in were puzzled. And the high status and influence this position would have offered within the organization vanished. No triumphant return to the top of the corporate ladder for me. My Failure to capitalize on this nearly sure thing was soul-crushing and humiliating.
The big salary I missed out on making. The puzzlement and confusion from all of my colleagues that thought I was a shoo-in. The high status and presumed security that this position offered me within the organization. Losing out on a triumphant return to the top of the corporate ladder. Failure to capitalize on this nearly sure-thing was humiliating.
I struck out in front of 70,000 hopeful fans with the bases loaded and the Championship on the line. Way to go, Babe.
But over the years that followed, a few nagging details refused to be drowned in my sea of misery.
Remember when you held that job before? Do you recall that you hated it? One of the only aspects I enjoyed about it was developing new leaders. But, I'm doing more of that now in my current role. And loving it! Interesting...
Come to think of it, do you remember waiting for the interview to begin? You ran into a former colleague in the hall. He had just learned that he was being downsized out of the company, and was pretty bitter about it. Recall how that revived all the feelings of discontent and anxiety you felt when in this role before? Really interesting.
Moments before your interview. That's odd timing... And, perhaps, a warning sign?
And if we're being honest... What was it about that role that interested you, anyway? Status. Salary. Security? Yep. But you had all that before... And you weren't fulfilled... You were miserable. Because they were all the wrong reasons.
Once I stopped clotheslining myself on the emotional aspects of bombing out, the facts could come into focus. And based on those facts, I finally reconciled myself with the outcome and ceased choking on the emotional wreckage Failure had wrought.
Once I could focus on the facts, it was evident that I didn't want the job, just the status. Only the status. And that was likely going to lead me to a dark place again. Because although status feels good, it's never enough to pay the bill for job satisfaction and self-actualization.
I suspect now that my performance in that interview was a form of subconscious self-sabotage. If so, then there is no need for further self-abasement for not winning that role. If anything, I ought to be impressed with my psyche. In any case, focusing on the facts of the matter led me to dump the dreariness of Self-Doubt and the profound sense of Failure I once felt. I could move on, leaving this Failure Channel movie of Titanic Failure in the IMDb dustbin of history.
Stop treating Failure as Defeat, and instead value it as information. Sure, we all want to get things perfect the first Time, but how reasonable is it to expect that sort of flawlessness? Practice makes perfect, but practice means making mistakes. And mistake is just another word for Failure.
Unless you're manufacturing parachutes, mistakes are pretty common and everyday occurrences. And if you happen to be a parachute maker, it seems that lousy packing is the usual culprit when parachutes Fail. Just saying.
Otherwise, when you Fail at something, unpacking the reasons why can help avoid a freefall the next Time you make a jump. This off-loading ought to be accomplished in a way that avoids focusing attention solely on all of the emotional clutter.
Instead of berating yourself that you totally suck at Excel, and that's why you messed up that important spreadsheet at work? Why not identify which functions you might not completely understand requiring more training? And get that training.
Rather than throwing away all of your Art supplies and swearing off watercolors? Take a look at the brushes you're using. Are they the right-sized brushes? Are you rushing to meet unnecessarily tight deadlines you've set for yourself? Take more Time.
If you keep bumping into other cars when you're trying to parallel park? Practice with cones in an empty parking lot. Or buy a smaller car. Just stay the hell away from my Toyota!
My point is... Don't focus on your emotional state when autopsying your previous Failures. Look for the underlying reasons you were unsuccessful, and create strategies to overcome them. Disappointment and frustration are natural byproducts arising from any Failed attempt. But these are feelings, not data. Focus on the data to improve your performance.
You know, sometimes bad things just happen to good people. There's risk in Living. And sometimes, the Universe pulls your number out of a hat, and that's that.
Searching for meaning in some of the more random adverse Life Events that befall us is a suboptimal activity. Why did I get a flat tire on the way to that important interview? Why did that tree fall on MY house? Why was I the only person seriously injured in that accident?
Things happen. Life happens. And sometimes - often, in fact - without any real rationale or justification, unfavorable circumstances happen to us. We can be angry about it. We can be terrified by it. And we can even be wholly overwhelmed by random occurrences that choose to visit upon us. But to spend weeks, months, or years trying to determine WHY it happened to us? You might as well blame it on the rain...
Accept that it happened. And then climb back into the ride of your Life and Live.
Trying to assign meaning to something meaningless is like picking Red to bet on in Roulette because Black has come up a winner sixteen times in a row. The outcome is random, folks. There IS NO meaning. You can't handicap, explain, or foresee unexpected events. So please don't waste your Time trying to explain them, either.
Before you get all The Exorcist on me, let me explain this one a little bit.
Speaking for myself, I tend to keep all of my self-loathing tucked neatly within the confines of my brain matter. I don't necessarily like to dump my issues on unsuspecting loved ones, particularly so if those issues are older than they are. The result, however? A slow, simmering boil of noxious memories of Failure and Defeat eternally on the back burner, ready to serve up. Yum!
However, there are a few effective options to eject these painful remembrances and make peace with the past. Sure, you could sit with a friend, therapist, Priest, Rabbi, or even a total stranger and air it all out. This can be your best bet, quite frankly. It's pretty surprising that giving voice to your true feelings can relieve your overall angst. Not.
I've taken a slightly different route in recent years.
When my kids, friends, co-workers have problems? When they confess their guilt, doubt, Failure, or struggles to me? Hey - I have a story about a guy...
Because I've Failed so much in my Life, whatever they present as their challenge or battle, I usually have a pretty good story to tell. And sharing that story with them is as therapeutic for me as it is instructive for them. Perhaps a lot more therapeutic for me. When I see their eyes begin to roll up into their head, I know it's Time to finish up.
It's funny. Those internal landmines and darkened corners I've held onto are exercised and used for the Forces of Good. These awful experiences have come to feel almost like a gift in some respects. I'm giving, but the recipient is me. It's kind of like taking your best Friend to a fancy dinner for their birthday. You get to eat, too. I'll have the soup...
Sharing my Life experiences with others makes all of those mistakes, defects, and less than savory circumstances feel almost worthwhile. Trust me; if given a choice, I'd have skipped most of them. But the chance to use my Life as an example? To share in another's struggle in a productive and supportive way? To offer perspective and maybe a dash of wisdom due to having F'd things up so much? Well, they owe me Big Time, dammit...
If you know someone who's holding a grudge, you probably respond to their repeated venting in one of two ways:
Grudges, vendettas, and other resentments can be among the most challenging relics of the past to make peace with. Especially if you see the person who has wronged you with any regularity. Grudges are held against people and organizations, institutions, and even ideas. I HATE you, Autocorrect!
While some folks hold a candle for another they secretly love? Grudgers hold an industrial-grade incinerator for the object of their vitriol. And man, does it get hot in there. But all that heat comes at a cost.
Longstanding grievances and feuds, justified or not, represent unsolved problems. Mostly yours. After all, if the triggering event or circumstances are long past, chances are you're the only one still hot about them.
My Ex! What a jerk! I'd still like to stuff him into a woodchipper. Meanwhile, he's gone on to get remarried - twice. Had three more kids. And changed jobs four times. He's not thinking about you, nor has he since Wife #2.
So why are you still so fired-up about all the crappy stuff he did to you ten years and three kids ago? A good chunk of the reason might be that you've found something to define yourself around. Finally, I am the Wronged Party. I am the Oppressed. Just as I always knew I was. Only now do I have the proof!
Armed with incontrovertible proof that you've been taken advantage of, your grudge becomes your weapon with which to wield your power. You are an aggrieved person. And if you were to surrender up that weighty mantle, well then who would you be then? Just an average Joe with no one else to blame for your lack of progress in the World. And we can't have that, now can we?
In short, the source of your grudge is the source of your misplaced victimhood. If you can't keep that bitter memory alive, then you'll likely lose claim to the sole reason why you cannot Live as you should if others did not persecute you.
Forgiveness is a sort of personal declaration that you're moving on. And that you're absolving the other person for all accountability regarding your future self and endeavors. Yeah, you messed me up when we were together, but I forgive you. I'm Moving Forward. And I am now responsible for myself from here on out.
If you are to make peace with the past with any success, taking responsibility for yourself, your decisions, and your outcomes is critical. Forgive those who trespass against you. Take back your power.
Isn't it ironic when we're interacting with someone and they end up baring their soul to us? They toss out all the reasons they're incomplete, insufficient, incompetent, and reveal their inner sea of Self-Doubt to us? It's a little spooky. I thought we were alone on this island, Wilson.
We tell them that it ain't so bad. They're only human. They ought to forget all that and focus on the Positive. Then we go home, pour ourselves a big glass of Pinot, and switch on the Failure Channel. We commence enjoying our personal montage of Self-Destruction while spreading Cheeze Whiz on a slightly stale cracker. Now that's Living with Martha Stewart right 'chere!
We're all imperfect, every one of us. Human Beings are flawed, and those flaws tend to reveal themselves in the worst possible moments. Under stress and duress, we regress. And while we're perfectly willing to let those we Love entirely off the hook? We hold ourselves hostage to the flimsy promise of perfection—self-flagellation for fun and profit.
If we can offer ourselves even the tiniest thimble-full of compassion, we'd be much better off in the long run. If we know we're not perfect, then why the grandstanding? Can't we just accept that occasionally our Best Effort is off on a date with a hooker, and we're going to fall short on our execution? It happens. We're not a machine.
Accepting our imperfection isn't capitulating on a responsibility to do our best. It's simply a realistic assessment of the Human Condition. We're not always going to win or prevail. And I suspect that true perfectionists are folks who can't handle the daily variance that Life presents to us. It's as if they think that anything less than Total Control equates to No Control. Spoiler Alert: we cannot obtain or maintain Total Control over anything, let alone ourselves.
Get good with imperfection. Show yourself compassion. And for Heaven's Sake, buy some decent cheese and ditch that canned stuff. How about a nice Beemster 24 month-aged Gouda? (Here's an excellent Sponsorship Opportunity, Beemster! I'm serious!)
Here's the Big Finish!
You might not be aware of this, but - the past? Not a damn thing you can do about it. Can't change it. Can't rearrange it. Don't Look Back.
We waste So. Much. Time. looking back. And while we're looking back? Life is pulling away from the curb with all of our luggage in the back seat.
Crazy Exes. Lost jobs. Deceased people. Stop Signs. They're all behind us. We can't stop, and we can't go back. I'm not suggesting we don't feel sorrow over our losses or miss essential people no longer with us. I'm telling you that the Future is all that is left to Live, and it needs Living. We've got to get Back to the Future.
We can autopsy our mistakes. We should work to understand our errors. The missed signals. The overlooked warning signs. That's Positive. That's productive. But wallow forever in our Defeats? C'mon. How will that aid us in conquering the Future? How can we make peace with the past if we're constantly rummaging around in its trash bin looking for evidence of our guilt? Or theirs...
We can, however, influence Today. We can take what we've learned so far - the lessons from our past - and employ them in making Tomorrow Better. We can look for the silver linings. We should focus on our Successes. And we can Appreciate what we have. This much we can control.
We can change our focus to a Forward-looking life. We can be proud of ourselves as survivors of adversity. Champions over misfortune. Our Failures are information. And aided by that data, we can better prepare for what's next.
And finally... Finally! If we understand who we are due to the sum and total of our experiences, well, there's a win. Without the stellar Defeats in your Life... Bereft of the Divine Intercession of Random Happenings, both good and bad... Stripped of the hard-won knowledge and gritty experience that Life to date has provided you with, who would you be? Probably Vernon Dursley.
Go ahead and Dream of a Future free of Failure;
Rediscover your Purpose and prevail;
Plan your Next Steps into your Future;
Lay yesterday aside. And take Action Today.
Make Peace with the Past. And Live like Today is all you have left!
Cheers!
More on Purpose, Passion, and Positivity: Practicing Positive
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