As I mentioned in my post yesterday, this is one of my favorite times of year, but it is also a time that I sort of dread. More so this year than in years past. You see, it was right around this time almost a decade ago that I started a journey many people face these days. Being diagnosed with cancer is one of those things that kind of sticks with you forever, and even if you are lucky enough to beat it, you still have this latent sort of fear anytime any kind of medical issue pops up.
I've written about this several times before, but the fact that I had the "good kind" of testicular cancer isn't lost on me. As if there could be any good kind of cancer. It all pretty much sucks one way or the other. Luckily though, they were able to remove it, and for the better part of eight or nine years I have been clear.
I'm not sure if "clear" is the right term. It might technically be "in remission", but since they cut out the tumor, I don't know if that is exactly accurate either. To me remission seems more like they have abated it versus actually eradicating it. I think I'd actually be a little more uneasy if the technical term were just remission, because to me that makes it seem like it could come back.
Which actually leads to the point of this post. Now that I am 50, there are other tests that men of a certain age need to have done each year. Typically, about a week before my check up appointment, I get some blood work done. They check my blood for tumor markers related to the testicular cancer, and then when I got into the doctor he looks at the numbers, checks out my junk, pats me on the back, and I am on my way.
Like I said though, I am older now, so they are starting to check more things than they used to in the past. In fact, they took four full vials of blood from me yesterday when I went to the lab.
I'm not a fan of needles.
If you are talking about trauma, that is enough right there to put me on edge. Add to that the fact that I am having these new tests run, and I have been a bit out of sorts lately. I'm not going to diminish those with PTSD by claiming I have it, but I think anyone who has fought and won against cancer knows, that there is always this underlying fear that it is going to come back.
Maybe in the same area, maybe in a different one, maybe they didn't get it all the first time. It's enough to make your head spin.
As I said, I have been a bit out of sorts, with this overall sense of dread. Unfounded or not, it's there. I realized the other day I was actually putting off getting my bloodwork done this year because of it. Like me waiting until the last minute would change the outcome or any of the numbers.
I realized how foolish that was, so I finally went and got stuck yesterday. I went to a different place than I usually go and I had a really great phlebotomist. Kudos to Mrs. whatever your name was, you did great!
So I spent the day waiting yesterday for the numbers to show up in my health app. Which honestly is about the worst thing they could have ever created. They really should have just had your numbers go right to your doctor and you find out about them after they have had a chance to look at them. It would definitely cut down on the generation of Google doctors getting themselves worked up that they might have some kind of infectious disease or something.
I kind of forgot about it, but then I woke up this morning to find my numbers had come across at 2:30 AM.
Of course, the one specific number I was most interested in doesn't seem to be there. I don't know if that test takes longer or I just don't know how to read it (because despite Google, I'm not a doctor), but what I was hoping to get some relief on doesn't seem to be there.
Which means I have to go old school and wait a couple more weeks for my appointment to see what the doctor has to say.
It's scary the dark places our minds can go in the midst of waiting. Fingers crossed it all goes well, but trust me when I say, if you know someone who has gone through a major medical issue, they might be fighting some inner battles you don't see or even realize.
Your support could make a huge difference to them.
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