Published via Ecency

"Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you."
-Jeremy Clarkson

This quote had become the mantra of Bruno. Every time we told him his JDM modding was getting the best of him, he would just repeat the quote in attempts to justify making his 4 wheeled child even faster, stronger, and better.

We watched our friend dig deeper into his pockets for mods, pay higher fines, and still become one of the most popular JDM car owners in Kharkiv, Ukraine, with his baby CRX.

In the process, I subliminally learned the importance of momentum. In terms of pure physics, speed does not do any harm. Acceleration can, but most importantly, when it all comes to a halt, that's when most damage is done.

Clarkson was right.

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I have been ranting with myself about my quality of momentum. In fact, I am pretty unhappy, even disappointed with my pace. I feel like I haven't picked up enough speed. It has been over 600 days. Where's the speed? Where have I reached?

My shrink recommended "taking a step back" for a few weeks.

"Suddenly becoming stationary" - that's what I see his recommendation as.

Why would I?

Why should I?

To be fair, I'm not the best at talking about my emotions or myself. Anyone who has been following my blogs knows me better than my shrink knows me. Is that why he thinks taking a step back is the best move for me?

I gave it a shot. This is my shot at fulfilling his recommendation.

I did a giant oopsie. No one but me to blame for it. I'm still trying to rectify it. I deleted, by mistake, all the files on my laptop. A whole directory with over 60gb of files, including many soft copies and documents.

"Am I doing too much too fast?"

After the initial shock, I decided to lay back. Took the day off, cancelled my meeting, and at night sat at this candle lit table to relax, turn my brain off, and enjoy the weekend night.

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I don't like it. Sitting idly without anything to do.

What is this? Naga moris. Na khaile amare dis.

How can I be sitting still with nothing to do? Achieving nothing? Pursuing nothing? Being completely unproductive. What kind of a life is this?

No momentum. I

It is supposed to help me relax, but it only agitates me more.

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A day before the oopsie, I was invited to an app launch party. It was a double event, app launch, and new CEO. They have proposed that I be one of their ambassadors.

The NGO, in my opinion, will be taking a corporate style of decision-making with the new CEO in place. That has its own pros and, of course, comes with its own bunch of cons. But what is in it for me? Who benefits the most with me becoming their ambassador? The NGO, me, or the Ukrainians I represent?

I had given myself a year to make a comeback. I have clearly failed at it, in my standards. Yes, a lot has been done, and a lot of people have become beneficiaries of my efforts. But to me, it is simply rewarding, I don't even make a dime from any of this, and it does nothing to get closer to my goals.

Here, while sitting at this glass table, while doing nothing, I am once again ranting with myself, against myself. Clearly, I have not slowed down. Momentum is present, but the direction doesn't seem right. I'm torn between multiple avenues.

One thing is clear - I'm sticking with what Jeremy said. I'm going to keep my foot on the gas. The direction will align by itself, but stopping isn't an option.

One day of "taking a step back" is just...ENOUGH! RIGHT?!