The charm of Jane Austin’s writing is partly how polite her characters interact with each other, in contrast to many Hollywood scriptwriters today who seem to prefer their characters’ interactions be laden with witty put-downs, and rudeness. Many of these TV characters today remind me of the behavior of schoolyard bullies who love to torture their younger classmates both physically and emotionally. In my humble opinion, people can be mean enough in our everyday interactions without watching that same rudeness and meanness on situation comedies.
When riding on the highways and byways of America, as we enter and exit lanes, and cross intersections, all of us are going different places, at different speeds, for different reasons as we go about our lives. We all know driving a car can kill other people and ourselves, therefore, most of us, most of the time respect the rules of the road for the safety of all. We all, if we are smart, and want to keep our families safe, drive defensively. Driving defensively means we are watching what the other driver is doing. We can’t assume that the other driver is sober or paying attention. The other driver might be out-of-control with anger or road rage, or is lost in fear as he drives without caution to get to a hospital or other life or death matter. So paying attention to what the other driver is doing contributes to keeping everyone safe on the road. We honor the rules of the road, and drive defensively to stay alive.
Our social interactions are similar to these issues of driving on the public roads. We all are going about our lives taking different paths, at different speeds, for different reasons or needs, with different competencies, mental states and challenges. Each day we encounter strangers, acquaintances, associates, friends, enemies and family who have various complex issues going on in their lives. Some of these people we are neutral about, some we like and some we don’t like. But as we travel life’s emotional byways, in the course of living our daily lives, what is it that keeps us all safe in this matrix of complex human interactions? Your first thought might be the law of the land, like there are laws to driving on a road. I think that is part of it. But like we choose to drive defensively on the road for our safety, the counterpart to that in our everyday interactions with others in order to prevent conflict and harm is called good manners while acting and speaking respectfully to each other. From the Governor to the paper boy, from the stranger on the street to your associates, from your child to your parents, from your spouse to your sibling, from your friends to your competitors or enemies, if you want to live as safely as possible, good manners, with all of them, is one solid strategy for achieving that.
No one can deeply or even superficially understand another human. Generally, people do not know what another, especially a stranger, is presently struggling with, or just went through, or has gone through. No person is privy to another’s strengths, weaknesses, sensitivities, challenges, or any set of: emotional, mental, physical, social, legal, spiritual, financial or political circumstances that they may be juggling with, or drowning in, Therefore, to avoid petty conflict with others, for the safety for all, society, decades ago, constructed a behavior of etiquette called manners. Good manners are the foundation of preserving peace among people from different backgrounds, as well as similar backgrounds. And sometimes good manners can even do more than keep the peace; it can be a fleeting moment of unexpected pleasure for someone otherwise going through a rough time. Everyone deserves respect for the simple reason that we all are living human beings. And, as living humans beings, like it or not, we all are in the same boat.
The practice of good manners, meaning respectful speech and actions, aids greatly in the odds of contributing to everyone’s well being by keeping the harmony of peace and good will flowing. Yet, good manners seem to have fallen out of fashion since I was younger. I sometimes wonder how that happened when I see people, young or old, who seem to delight in their rudeness to another person.
Do you practice good manners with everyone you encounter? If not, who are you choosing to be rude to? Why? How does choosing to be ill mannered, rude, and disrespectful to anyone improve the situation? Or, when choosing to be rude, are people trying to cause harm instead of contributing to the good of all in their community? Do people ever think how deeply, on many different levels, rudeness can undermine the physical or emotional safety for any community, large or small? When someone doesn’t choose to practice good manners, do they ponder the consequences, and the adverse domino- like effects on other people’s lives, or don’t they care?
Do parents reflect on how their own chosen behavior is molding their children’s future behavior to either mostly contributing to, or undermining relationships in their communities?
Perhaps some people disagree with the concept of good manners promoting a safer society? Perhaps some think not everyone deserves respect? Perhaps some people reserve their good manners only for people they favor, or want something from? Perhaps some think of their good manners as a gift to people they like, and their rudeness as a punishment to people they don’t like? Perhaps some people were never taught by others, or learned on their own, the value and importance of good manners for the safety of all.
In my humble opinion, the bottom line for me is that good manners and respect are important for everyone’s safety, because without showing respect and good manners conflict arises or is inflamed greatly if already there. It’s the reason why family, or neighborhood feuds start. It’s how people stop talking to one another. It’s how some accidents happen, it’s how some people get hurt, emotionally or physically. It’s how some people get killed. Road Rage and general rudeness are birthed from the same energy. The roads of life can be dangerous, both on the streets we drive on and the emotional roads of human interactions. Driving defensively keeps everyone safer on the road, just as choosing good manners over rudeness contributes to keeping human interactions safer in your communities.
Watching a baker offering a young child, in her shop, a free cookie is usually followed by hearing the parents coaching of: “now, what do you say?”; and right on cue the child will look at the adult, who gifted her the cookie, and say, “thank you.” Young parents seem to be quite diligent in wanting their child to know how to say, “please” and “thank you.” but good manners extend way beyond the words “please” and “thank you.”
