The Rauschmonstrum and Dick Cavett

This transcript originally appears in my book Interviews With the Rauschmonstrum

The Rauschmonstrum was a guest on Dick Cavett’s program The Dick Cavett Show in December of 1973. He discussed his new job as a professor, his hopes for a Jesus & Me movie, and his disapproval of people who worship him. Woody Allen also stops by.

Cavett: Our first guest this evening is one of a kind. He is the author of the classic books Jesus & Me and The Old Testament & Me, and has recently taken up residence here in New York where he’s spending the semester teaching courses in physics, chemistry, and history at Columbia University. He also lectures around the country which can’t be too hard considering he doesn’t need a plane. He just floats around everywhere.

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: There’s a lot of other interesting things he’s up to which I hope to discuss with him. Please welcome The Rauschmonstrum!

[The audience applauds as the Rauschmonstrum floats out]

Cavett: Mr. Rausch, good to see you. Most guests sit in chairs on the show, but you can just float over one.

Rausch: I can change shapes, you know.

Cavett: Yes, I’ve read all about that in your books.

Rausch: Since I like your show so much, I’ll make myself more suitable for your setup.

[The Rauschmonstrum takes the form of a skinny, human shaped version of himself, wearing a tuxedo and holding a cigarette holder. The crowd applauds at his new appearance, and Cavett gives a stunned look. The Rauschmonstrum sits in one of the guest chairs]

Cavett: Well Mr. Rausch, you’re now easily the best dressed person to ever step foot in this studio.

Rausch: Charmed to hear that.

[The Rauschmonstrum takes a puff from the cigarette in his holder]

Cavett: Now for a creature like yourself, do you get any effects from nicotine?

Rausch: No, it’s all for show, but I like it just the same.

Cavett: It’s quite becoming of you.

Rausch: Yes, but it would be irresponsible of me if I didn’t use the occasion to say ‘kids, don’t smoke, it’s terrible for you.’

Cavett: We’re not going to see any scientific research in the coming years saying cigarettes are actually good for us, are we?

Rausch: No, you’re not.

Cavett: Is there any other health advice you could give us, considering all your knowledge?

Rausch: Sugar is much worse for you than fat. Companies that sell sugar products are trying to cover that up.

Cavett: Hmmm, those companies account for half of our sponsors, so…

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: We’ll probably be canceled by the end of the week. In all seriousness though Mr. Rausch, there’s a lot I’d like to discuss with you.

Rausch: Is there? I thought you just wanted to lounge and maybe play a little cribbage.

Cavett: You’re a lot more playful than I remember seeing you in other interviews.

Rausch: Well a funny thing happened to me on my way over here today, I realized I’m having the time of my life.

Cavett: Ah, so this is the best part of your two-thousand-year life?

Rausch: I’m older than that.

Cavett: That’s right, you are. Remind us all how old you are.

Rausch: I don’t have a definitive number, but I’ve been around at least as long as humans have been around, so I’m a little bit older than 100,000 years, I’d say.

Cavett: I’m pushing forty and I’m having a hard-enough time imagining being that age.

Rausch: Child’s play.

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: So how’s you end up getting your teaching job?

Rausch: I decided teaching would be a valuable use of my time, so I went to the Columbia University dean and told him what I wanted to do.

Cavett: As simple as that?

Rausch: Yes Dick. As you can imagine, I know a lot of things.

Cavett: I hope so. I’d hate to think you were completely empty headed after all your experiences.

Rausch: The dean was quite happy to have me, and I figured it was worthwhile for me to share some of that knowledge with the youth.

Cavett: And you’re teaching a diverse group of subjects too.

Rausch: Well history is what I know best because I’ve lived it.

Cavett: You’re responsible for a lot of it.

Rausch: I’m responsible for a lot of it, yes. And hopefully I can clue my students in on some things that have previously been misunderstood.

Cavett: And what about physics and chemistry?

Rausch: Over the years I’ve had to find ways to occupy my time when I wasn’t fiddling around with humanity. I picked those subjects up on the side.

Cavett: Are you enjoying New York?

Rausch: Of course. The city never sleeps, which suits me well since I don’t either.

Cavett: I don’t know if you know this, but New York City has a lot of good restaurants. You should check some of them out.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: I’ll take that advice.

Cavett: And do you expect this will be a long-term career for you?

Rausch: Well Dick, I like to take things as they come. So as for how long I’ll be a professor? I don’t know. Hollywood keeps calling. One of these days I may answer them.

Cavett: That’s right, the studios are in a bidding war for the rights to do a Jesus & Me movie, aren’t they?

Rausch: They sure are.

[The audience applauds]

Cavett: Let’s talk a bit about that. Jesus & Me is the bestselling book of the 20th century, so I can assume if there’s ever gonna be another Gone with the Wind in terms of money made, it’ll be a Jesus & Me movie.

Rausch: My story is a bit more controversial than Gone with the Wind.

Cavett: That’s true. But I would think that means the box office money made for your movie would be even higher. Are you in negotiation with all the major studios as we speak?

Rausch: Yes, but I’m holding out for more money from each of them. Paramount will send me an offer, then Universal will send me an offer, then MGM, and so on and so on. Once everyone’s given me an offer I go back to the beginning of the line and the offers get bigger and bigger. It’s like a merry-go-round.

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: You know, I’ve had a lot of guests here from Hollywood and none of them have ever been nearly as honest about how the negotiation process goes than you just were.

Rausch: I’m able to explain it this way because I have nothing to lose. I don’t eat, I don’t need to live anywhere, so I don’t need any money.

Cavett: You are a wealthy man though, aren’t you? I hope I don’t embarrass you too much with that question.

Rausch: I am extraordinarily wealthy.

Cavett: And you do have houses, don’t you? Even though you don’t need them? I heard you have a mansion in Bel Air next to Jerry Lewis.

Rausch: Guilty. I said I don’t need to live anywhere, not that I don’t want to. It’s great to own houses and to invite friends over for festivities.

Cavett: I agree. Do you expect your negotiations for Jesus & Me to be finished soon?

Rausch: We’ll see. It depends on the script and the casting they present me with.

Cavett: Who would you like to see play you in a movie?

Rausch: Orson Welles.

[There’s laughter from the audience]

Cavett: He’s got the strong voice needed for something like that.

Rausch: Indeed.

Cavett: And who would you like to see play Jesus?

Rausch: Warren Beatty. He’s got the right hair. We’d have to do this movie soon for him to be in the right age range though.

Cavett: Would it be too absurd a suggestion for Jack Nicholson to do it?

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: He may be more suitable playing Judas.

Cavett: Now that’d be a cast.

Rausch: All options are on the table though. That’s the splendid thing about being in a bidding war.

Cavett: Did I hear correctly you’re also currently working with Professor Marshall McLuhan now on some media advancements?

Rausch: I am. And I’m sure when we finish our projects, they will shock the world and greatly improve the standard of living. However, I can’t speak any further about it at this time, other than to say that we’re working with a technological genius on it, a young fellow named William Gates. He’ll be a very famous persona in the coming years, I assure you. He’s spent more time learning about computers than anyone else.

Cavett: Exciting stuff. There’s one more thing I’d like to talk to you about before we invite out our next guest. There are religious groups out there now which worship you. I spotted some of them standing on a street corner passing out flyers on my way over here. Do you have anything to say about that?

Rausch: Well I knew back in the ‘50’s when I first published Jesus & Me that my stories could end up being used to create religions in themselves, particularly if Christianity began to decline, which it has. Plus, I am a supernatural figure with an unexplained origin, I understand why many could confuse me to be divine. What I will say though is a lot of the groups I see sprouting up seem to have the goal of promoting positive behavior in people, and there’s nothing wrong with that on its own.

Cavett: Similar to the type of thing people would go to church for.

Rausch: When I went on William Buckley’s Firing Line program a couple of years ago, he told me he believed it was in humanity’s DNA to worship a higher power. I don’t think that’s true, but humans do have a strong drive to be a part of a group, and certainly the “fan clubs” these people set up for me tap into that.

Cavett: Right.

Rausch: The other thing I want to say about that is some of these other groups based around my name seem to be nihilistic, and just want to stir up chaos. I strongly disapprove of those particular groups.

Cavett: That’s good to hear.

Rausch: I hold that any social group should be constructive and strive to provide benefit for people.

Cavett: As do I. At this point I’d like to invite our second guest out. He is a celebrated comedian, actor, writer, and director. He has appeared on this program many times before, and has a new movie debuting this month entitled Sleeper. Please welcome Woody Allen!

[Woody Allen enters the room. He waves to the crowd and makes his way over to the Rauschmonstrum and Cavett. He shakes both of their hands and sits down]

Cavett: Woody, good to see you.

Woody: Good to see you too Dick, and it’s also great to be in the same room with His Royal Rauschness over here.

Cavett: Have you two met before?

Woody: No, but once I attended a lecture the Rauschmonstrum gave.

Rausch: On what subject?

Woody: The Romans and Stoic philosophy.

Rausch: Oh yes, so I would have discussed Marcus Aurelius that day then?

Woody: Yes, I spent the lecture taking notes, but then ditched them after spotting an attractive blonde woman in the audience.

[The audience laughs]

Cavett: Of course you did.

Woody: As I was waiting around backstage trying very hard not to bump into any walls or get arrested for sedition, I thought of a question to ask you Mr. Rausch.

Rausch: Go right ahead.

Woody: Since you have so much control over all the elements, why don’t you put all of us into slavery?

Rausch: …Because I prefer not to.

[The audience laughs]

Woody: That’s good. I suspect slavery would not be becoming of me. Manual labor wears me out quickly.

Cavett: Is that right?

Woody: It is. But Mr. Rausch, if you did decide to make us all slaves, I’d be well suited figuring out the various roles for other slaves to play, kind of like an aptitude placement slave. That’s what I’d be good at.

Rausch: I’ll keep that in mind.

Woody: Please do.

Cavett: Do you like the Rauschmonstrum’s books, Woody?

Woody: Um, before I answer that question, I’d like the Rauschmonstrum’s word that he will not strike me dead if he doesn’t like my answer.

Rausch: You have my word.

Woody: You use too many commas.

[The audience laughs]

Rausch: I’ll remember you said that when I edit my next book.

Woody: Good, good. Thousands of glasses-wearing men will thank you.

Cavett: Do you have any other pieces of advice for Rauschmonstrum, Woody?

Woody: Stick to happier subject matter. The Bible stuff can be a bit morbid.

[The audience laughs]