How Do I Say Goodbye

If there is one thing I am scared of is death. Most days, I ask myself over and over again how I am going to cope if I lose someone very close to me. I think sometimes we have no answer to those kinds of questions except when we get to experience a situation related to it. You see people lose their loved ones and then you just don’t know to give a condolence message because you have never experienced it, or maybe when you experienced that you were too little to understand it.

A few months ago I lost my favorite cousin. I have been living my life in denial. My parents were so shocked when they delivered the message to me and I didn’t cry or even act sad at all. I have been able to live in denial that she is not gone. To me maybe she isn’t visiting as she usually does. I still feel like she traveled and would reach out one of these days.

She watched me grow up. She lived with us when we were little kids so I grew up with the mentality that she was my older sister, we had a striking resemblance everyone would always tell me how I looked so much like her. She would always give her old clothes to me when they no longer fit her. I always felt like I was a big girl when I had them on and would have a bright smile on.

She would always tease me with things I did when I was little, how I would always cry for my food, and how I would always want to cuddle with her since she was older. Well, life happens and she is no longer here with me. Funny how she told me she would scale through the Sickle Cell phase and come out stronger but then she left, Maybe if I could take back the hands of time we would make sure she wasn’t a sickle cell patient. I am done with being in denial. These few days I have kept to myself as the memories of losing her creep in and I can not help but cry myself to bed most nights.

I didn’t even get to say goodbye to her as I have always been in denial even till the day she was buried. Even if I was given a chance to say goodbye to her, How do I say goodbye to her? How do people say goodbye to people they have known for their whole life and then lose them under certain circumstances? It is so scary.

“How Do I Say Goodbye” by Dean Lewis is a song I bumped into while going through “Chill Hits” on my Spotify. I think this song was what brought back memories to me. Funny how I couldn’t bring myself to write out how I feel and how the lyrics say a lot about how I feel, so I just kept listening to the lyrics and asking several questions that I had no answers to.