She had slipped into low state in her mind, her thoughts having spun ever downward from the flashback. The pain of PTSD is a giving one; it will continually give you pain long after the situation is gone, she thought sadly. She had often imagined in her mind what the baby would have been like, she had imagined a little boy wild, curly hair and a cheeky grin, a mischevious clever little lad that played football and collected toy cars. She started to feel better, she always did when she thought of her child and what he would have been like. She loved him uncondtionally and she could see them going to football games and her stood in the cold at the side of the pitch along with the other mums, all proud smiles and congratulations, her soothing him after he scrapes his knee, sharing his joy as he scores a goal for his school.
She had imagined it all; she would have loved being a mum, to her it was the best thing could ever happen to anyone, she felt angry again as she remembered she had clearly said to him before they got together that she wanted kids and was not taking any precautions, she was looking forward to the day she became a mum.He had lied so well at the time, said he loved her and he wanted kids too, she would never forgive herself she thought again, as she had thought thousands of times in the twenty years of tortured filled marriage to this man.
It was good she felt anger; it pulled her on her mental strength, right enough of this crap she thought, the girl has gone and I am stuck here, if there is a bedroom then there must be another way, it's time to conqure my fear of darkness, she looked around nope maybe a little rest first, her mind rebelled it had had enough of the pity party and wanted out of here. She pondered, maybe if she went slowly feeling each inch before moving, and she cautiously put out her fingers and began tracing delicately along the floor, she moved forward an inch.
"Hey Lucy are you ok?" the voice was kind, gentle, and belonged to a young man who appeared to be in his thirties.
"Hiya Uncle Eric , please can you help me?" she asked, her big eyes were rimmed wth tears and the man immediately responded.
"Hey of course honey! What's wrong? wheres your mum? you shouldnt be out late at night like this you know let's get you home"
It wasn't far too walk and the night was clear and still, as they walked she told him of the strange night she had, her voice was quiet as she spoke and although cautious she trusted Eric, he was different to the rest of the family he was nicer, she still expected him to act like most adults and scold her for being silly, or having 'too much imagination' as she was often told, but he didn't.
"Ok show me where it is, maybe it was the tv or something? Oh sorry Lucy I forgot you don't do tv in this house do you? All that indoctrination ey?" he laughed and they went upstairs.
Her room was tiny and could only fit one small person in beside the bed and dresser, so he stood at the doorway and she pointed to the cardboard cutout, he motioned towards it and she picked it up and handed it to him.
"Jeez! What the fuck is going on now?" she yelled to no one and the blackness stayed solid. She gasped in her lost breath while rubbing her arm, the whoosh of air indicated this new torture was still continuing and she braced herself in each freefall. She fell dizzyingly and hit a wall, it fell away from her and she could feel the rush of air and in a second the other wall had held a bruising landing for her.
"Ouch! Ow! Stop it!" she yelled as the black walls whirled though she couldn't see them, she felt rushing air followed by another painful landing as each wall met her body.
"It's just a cardboard cutout honey, you're sure you heard the noise coming from, what's that?" he shook the cutout as he spoke, cursing was heard in a tiny far away manner.
"I know this sounds odd Uncle Eric but it feels like someone is stuck in the cutout" said Lucy hesitantly.
He looked at Lucy, a smile creeping on his face, yet even as he smiled his mind was saying to him it was true, but that's ridiculous he thought. He shook it again, but this time a little more gently, and held it to his ear. He jumped back; there was a voice!
He examined the cutout closely; no openings, no secret flaps, no anything, it was just a cutout. He felt slightly insane as an odd thought occurred to him, but it was the only idea coming to him and so he went with it and whispered to the cutout"Is there anybody there?" then felt stupid at doing this and went bright red. He half laughed and said "Look at me talking to a mouse!" and Lucy grinned and said " But listen; can you hear anything?"
He held it close again.
The words came small and held a heart rending tone, "Please help me"
His soul could feel the pain in her voice and with full attention he listened again.
"Please please, say you can hear me" begged the small voice.
He wasn't sure how or why but he would help whoever this was and he whispered " I can hear you"
It went quiet for a moment then tiny shouting of please dear God let this be real, then "Please, I know this sounds mad but, can you see me?"
"I desperately want to see you but I don't know how" his whisper was saturated with genuine desire to help.
"But you can hear me?" this time the voice was stronger, "If you can hear me then there is some hope, please say you can please help I am trapped, and I cant get out please please help me"
"I will do anything I can to help, I am not sure what I can do though. Perhaps tell me from the beginning what happened and maybe we can work out a way to get you out?" he said.
The darkness had enveloped her completely, there was not even the circle of light now. She panicked maybe she had lost her sight when all the tumbling had happened? No matter help is here now she thought and she wrapped her arms around herself. She spoke to the loud voice that had began after the tumbling "I don't know where to start, I had to do the tea I remember being stressed because he was in a bad mood, he is always in a bad mood." she sighed deeply and carried on "I don't remember much really, he was shouting and I was at the sink washing up and he wouldn't stop, just kept shouting at me and the kitchen was really warm. I was feeling ill, I felt faint and then I woke up in this black hell hole and I don't know how I got here. My last memory is of him shouting at me, behind me, shoving me, I wanted him to stop, but it all went black and its been black ever since" she paused for a second then more quietly she said "Thank you, you're the first person I have talked to since being here, I can't see you but sure is good to hear a friendly disembodied voice" her tears had stopped now and even though she was still trapped there was a new circle of light.
He had asked her more about her life, where she lived, what made her happy, what made her mad. He listened as she told her tale of suffering at the hands of a malignant narcissist for twenty years and he listened as she cried, and at times they laughed but mostly he listened.
Time had expanded.
It was getting light, the morning was showing through the curtains, Lucy had fallen asleep long ago and Eric had sat in the bathroom for hours talking to a cardboard cutout, and it hadnt seemed weird at all. He knew this woman now, and he felt more strongly than ever that somehow he had to free her, but how the hell does one free a person trapped in a cardboard cutout?
"You have gone quiet are you still there?" she asked.
"Yes, it's ok, don't worry, I won't leave you" he said "I am thinking of how I am supposed to get you out of there"
"Well I know it sounds odd but it seems like it getting lighter, it's not as black. I don't know how to describe it other than there's now shadows or shapes in the blackness and the blackness is sort of thinning and I can see a vague shape on the other wall, if I didn't know any better I would say it looks like a bathroom window? and in front of me it looks like a bath coming into view, oh"
She looked at him and thought oh he is gorgeous and went bright red as if her thoughts could be read, she managed to stutter "hi?"
He looked at her and smiled.
"Erm welcome to my bathroom?" he said "well it's not my bathroom actually belongs to my sister-in law, the young girl is Lucy my niece but it is good to see you , to put a face to the voice"
"Thank you, I don't know how you did it, but thank you," she hugged him, and they were laughing and hugging, the sheer relief she felt was overwhelming and she began to cry.
"Let's get you home, where do you live by the way? I will take you"
She thought for a moment, her mind was blank.
"I am not sure" she said "I know where I used to live, but I refuse to go back there! I don't know what to do, I think I maybe homeless" she looked lost, her face frowned as she said "I have some strange image in my head though" she shook her head as if shaking might make the image clearer.
"Perhaps an old memory? A relative live around here? Maybe a friend? Maybe if we go for a drive something might jog your memory? I think we should see if we can find it. It beats standing in this bathroom"
In the car she had talked more but this time the conversation was easy, comfortable, all the bad stuff was out there now and she had relaxed a little. He liked that, she looked pretty when she relaxed. They talked of ambitions and goals and secret desires, and the trees went past and the road took them towards the sea.
"This is it! This is the town I keep seeing! There is a housing estate there look! there will a house at the end of the..."
she gasped, as they turned into the street the house at the end seemed familiar, so familiar it took her breath away. She didn't want to say but it felt like she knew it. She knew this was more than just a friends house; it felt like, home?
She knocked on the door and it fell open; the door hadnt been shut properly, she pushed it a little. She could hear voices, they sounded nice, full of fun, happy, lovely voices, she couldn't find the right words, familiar? kept coming to her, but surely she had never been here before?
A teenage girl entered the hallway.
"Hiya mam, you back already? Did you forget your purse?" said the girl, her voice full of fondness for her mum. She was beautiful and lit up with a huge smile as she hugged her mum. Another girl entered the hallway from the living room and said "Hiya mum! Glad you're back! I decided I wanted to go with you" this young girl was also beautiful and her beauty was magnified by the radiant smile she had for her mum, she hugged her mum and enthusiastically implored "Can I have some money? Please mam there's some slime I want" and hugged her again. The older one had gone to the living room and shouted "Mam! come here! Look at this I made"
Startled and sppechless she looked at Eric, he looked back at her, smiled and whispered "You said you always wanted kids, it appears in this dimension you have them"
A whole new set of memories washed over her, in a flood of emotional experiences lived, of giving birth, four times! and changing nappies, of sleepless nights and busy days, and happy paddling on the beach, in a sweep of memories of picnics and scraped knees, of school plays and sleepovers, of mess and arguments, of first steps and first boyfriends, of love, pure and unending love she felt the tears. hot, and happy, streaming down her face. As each memory surfaced she clung to it, savouring the detail, and with every growing second she solemnly declared her thanks and her devotion to this new life. She didn't know how it happened, how this new life came to her, she only knew she loved it and yes she had been through stuff, it had lingered over from her other life, but here she knew, she now remembered after the abortion she had four children, to him, but after enduring years of abuse had found the courage, the support needed, and she had left, and in this life she was happy beyond measure; she had four beautiful children and loved them beyond life itself, a little home she was proud and a life she loved.
Time had expanded.
He squeezed her hand gently, "Don't forget me" he said "You have me too" and held her close as she stood sobbing, in happiness.
and so you see sometimes, in perhaps the weirdest of ways, just sometimes, the freqencies of the universe resonate in unison and bring about a situation that needs to happen. Where someone is rescued, by the simple power of some one listening to them. Sometimes that's all it takes to help; someone to hear their voice, listen to their words, see them and value their existence.
Just listen.
Velveteen 2018