but I want it?

or
The Worrying Exercise of the Misuse of Misguided Misunderstood Manifesting often thought of as The Law of Attraction theory
(try saying that when you're drunk)

I was perusing my favorite channels on youtube and happily discover one of my very favorite channels also is here in steemland, the wonderful Ed from The Outer Light, (1) and watching one of his latest videos I was introduced to this guy; Ethan from HaHaProductions (2) and loved him, obviously I subscribed and had a little look at his channel and found this little gem and had to share it with you because it struck home with me on a few levels, I have enjoyed some conversations with friends on the concept behind the law of attraction and it led to questioning the idea behind desires and examining the mindset I had before, it is the examining of my mindset that in a way helped in my recovery (3) from victim to , well just an ordinary person really but one that is healthy in mind as well as body and doesn't suffer from over-giving or being emotionally unstable and how I learned how to love myself , except that is such a long title we should probably just go with from victim to me as I am now? I don't know I am not good at titles apparently I am a little over enthusiastic with them

Firstly let me just say that dear reader that the law of attraction is largely misunderstood by all those I have met, luckily I haven't actually met that many people, I try telling them that it goes like this you get back what you give out, therefor if you want to say, manifest love, then you give out love and it attracts the love you want , they don't get it and carry on imagining with all their energy finding a discarded bag of money and then whinge when no bag of money is found
It is not about sitting there thinking if I imagine this enough times it will magically happen; I want a horse so I imagine sitting on a horse etc etc no horse will come trotting by saddled up and ready to ride, if however some thought was put into it and that person decided to work hard at creating a life that includes enough money to buy a horse and ride it; brilliant, and in that sense one could say one indirectly manifested the horse but it did not happen by just being imagined with force, to the point that days are lost daydreaming about fantasies under the misguided idea that this will somehow produce the dream

There are more layers, there are always more layers, if someone decided that say they wanted to take this law off attraction and manifest love, then you have to think about that, to just manifest your crush suddenly falling in love with you is as wrong as love spells and all other forms of manipulation, I seriously believe in free will and that every person has the right to exercise their own choices in life, so if that person doesn't want to fall in love with you then you have no right sitting there manifesting all over the place

Frequently people suffer from the misguided concept that they then have to work at helping the manifestation, seriously if it needs help it aint no good at manifesting, however if that help is someone training for a better job, that's great
Some decide though, that they can help their manifestation by traveling thousands of miles, then waiting for hours in one spot, flashing huge photos of themselves and acting wildly to force themselves into the world of their desire, is this excusable under the simple concept of manifesting? Just helping the law of attraction theory along a bit? Is it just behaviour driven by strong motivational thoughts? If someone decides that the course of action they are taking is right for them they will have little trouble finding a way to justify to themselves their motivation, yet how many even examine why they have a desire in the first place? How many desires do we suffer from that are placed there by others?
At any time with any situation in my life I now ask myself what exactly is my motivation for this situation? and do I actually need this? When manifesting is driven by insane desire it's extreme and in someone else we can often see that, however most of us actually feel we don't suffer from any extreme desires do we, it is only when we bring in different levels of desire that we start to justify our little obsessions
I will let you watch the video before I relate to you why this struck a chord with me even though I am not driven by an insane desire , honest, no really I'm not,

When does a driving force become obsession? When does being motivated turn into I have to live this way because a , b and c reasons? When does an obsession begin to turn into manic desire? How fine is the line is an obsession driven by the mind and an obsession driven by the body? Is an obsession really an addiction requiring to be fed? The levels of psychology in this would probably require me to spend the next twenty years reading; I have limited knowledge in the psychology area
I know that prior to my new life, my waking up, etc let's say the old me (I only consider my awakening to be anywhere near recognizable somewhere in these past two months, even though I have always had a different mindset to those around me and was brought up by a person who had alternative knowledge, to many that know me they consider me having always been awake, before however I had the wrong mindset, no good having knowledge if you don't recognise that knowledge) and so I had fallen many times into obsessions myself.................. and mine are always with love

When I fall in love, I fall deeply and in fact a little obsessively, it's took many months of pretty intense self learning and self improvement to even admit that is one of my problems, I always believed so strongly in the concept of love and I can see now that not only was I way too intense ( I hereby thoroughly and unreservedly apologise to my former partners) I also had the whole concept of love completely wrong
I was always one of those ultra devoted I would die for you, for our love kind of person, I am still hugely and in fact 100 percent devoted to the concept of love, only now I have a much more healthier mindset and can see that one of the areas I was going wrong in was devoting myself without many boundaries, I will devote myself entirely to doing whatever I can to make the person in my life happy,
(they have labelled me over-giving)
It took me a long time and a lot of hard work, seriously therapy is like having to do mind gymnastics sometimes, (I can only do so much at any one time because my poor brain is contorted all over the place, need time to scoop it all back in and digest what I learn and just basically recover from trauma of dragging my brain kicking and screaming into recognition of who I am and why I am this way) to accept that real love doesn't mean I have to literally attend to their every beck and call, I know I am an intelligent woman however the mind is complex and I suffered a traumatic childhood so I know this comes from painful experiences I have had in the past and therapy helped me see that
The therapy was not recognised in the style of physically going to see someone, I simply didn't have the money or circumstance to be able to do that, I did have the internet and found Richard Grannon (4) and once again I am hugely grateful to Mr Grannon for explaining and giving me answers. However that deals with major stuff and I got to thinking, when you think about it how many of us have felt some kind of negative emotion because the love of our life didn't text back immediately (yup I hold my hands up I have done this and ruined a relationship through it) or felt annoyed at a friend because they didn't pick up the phone when called? How many of us have taken offense at someone, a friend even down-voting a post on facebook (I know I once put up a post on facebook I thought was funny and a friend put the shocked smiley and even that tiny incident had me so stressed I wrote to them a long and probably far too emotional message asking why) my point here being that not only do we seem to have lost the power of verbal communication (more on that in another space) we have become obsessed with peoples reactions and the allotted time we think they should happen in, and only if the person has 'a good excuse' for not answering the phone/text/comment etc do we then accept it was ok
See before the matrix took over we understood that people had lives, that time was not ours to control, the matrix shows us a world where instant gratification seems now a viable and expected right,
time is personal, and circumstantial, what to one person is a late night text to another is a welcome relief from insomnia I never thought that the text that was sent could have come at a time when they were in the shower, or they had just been robbed, or maybe they are making replicas of buckingham palace with matchsticks, it doesn't matter, time is only relevant to the circumstance, and there is a need to respect not only other people's time but our own too, unless the text or phone call was an emergency/of vital importance then really there is no worry if they didn't immediately answer
The little obsessions that fill our lives have mostly been invented by the circus of google/facebook/mainstream media, our day to day lives are filled with obsessions created by others, and often I found when examining closely my motivation behind my little foibles ( my life was full of little foibles like I couldn't sleep unless the blanket covered my ear, I am an intelligent woman yet I convinced myself I couldn't sleep unless the blanket was over my ear, foibles, I don't have so many now) I would discover that they were largely manufactured by others and it is only when I learned just how much the media/government/society places so much stress upon an individual that I realised most of my fears were unreal, when I took away all the crap fed to me by previous relationships/society/propaganda I felt more free than I had ever done and the confidence to then be myself became much easier; I was happier and I was very much further towards my goal of true liberation, the fears fell away and all I was left with was dealing with those painful years called childhood
The man in the video, those I have talked to watched and said well yes but he has problems and it doesn't relate to me, yet the next time you expect something from someone and they don't deliver in a time you expect or a way you expect, will you question yourself? Would you examine why you felt that way? Is there any real importance attached to the situation? does it merit your impatience? or your compassion? How often do we rush though our lives suffering without examining why we are suffering, all the stresses one by one heaped up cause a very real danger of burn out or breakdown or some other negative situation
Will you examine all the little obsessions in your life? do you need them? How far are you willing to go to achieve what you desire? Do you judge others for how far they are willing to go? Do you suffer needless stress because of your own or others expectations?
I am obsessed with self improvement, mostly where my mind is concerned, I am not examining whether my actions or words are perceived as good by anyone else, I am concerned with how I feel about the way I act or talk, I know there are times when I act in a certain way or say something that leaves me with regret and so those areas of me I am obsessed with improving, I used to be awfully impatient, I got that sorted now, took longer than I expected though
I can tell you its not an easy exercise but I examined everything, even the deepest areas of my mind where my fears lurked
My road to overcoming, and beating depression/PTSD for good, lay in a large part to having the courage to immerse completely in self examination, it's painful, it's a long slow process, it's complicated and often so difficult I need time to just settle with everything I have learned before carrying on, however, as far as experiences go-
it is also the most liberating