Weekend-Engagement topics: week 232 / looking for a better version of myself

Honestly, I think that at my age, self-deception doesn't make much sense. I am 58 years old and have lived long enough to know what my strengths are and what my weaknesses are. This doesn't mean that I can't change, that the person I am is carved in stone. But I am aware that when you reach this age there are aspects of your personality that are deeply rooted, habits you have acquired, ideas and values that have shaped the way you think and act. Changing them can be a big challenge.

Despite the fact that my sisters and I received an education at home in which order and discipline were important, neither they nor I are disciplined and organized people. Unfortunately. I have been trying to be more organized for a long time and I have been able to plan my schedule better, to be more disciplined, but it is very difficult for me to maintain that way of working.

For over a month now my schedule has been a disaster. I am living with my current partner, Daniel. I moved to a different country, a different continent, a different culture, I have been traveling, I have had to adapt to some of Daniel's routines and my good intentions to be more disciplined have failed. But I am aware that before the end of the year I have to sit down to plan my work routines again, set myself schedules and reconcile the routines of my agenda with my new reality. It is urgent. I see that the days, the weeks, go by very fast and I am not able to discipline myself again and be more productive. When there is disorder in your life everything gets complicated.

Have you heard that patience is a virtue? So have I. But my brain has a hard time processing it. The world is not made to our measure, so in many occasions we must be patient. Because the things we want don't come to us when we want them, because many people around us don't adapt to our needs (they don't want to or can't do it), some things we need are delayed or don't arrive. So getting angry or sad about those situations is very unintelligent. I've told my mind that it's not worth getting angry or sad about things we can't control, but sometimes it doesn't listen. Well, I'm working on it. But still in some circumstances meditation does not help me to be smarter with people or situations that make me impatient.

As I said at the beginning of these lines, at my age it is difficult to deceive yourself, you know what your strengths and weaknesses are. Even so, sometimes doubts assail me, I am filled with insecurity, especially in situations that are new to me, like what I am going through right now. Even though Daniel has been patient with me, he has given me all his support, the people around me have treated me well, the people who love me, my friends, my family, have sent me good wishes, there are days when I am taken by fear or difficulty to focus on the commitments I have pending.

For the time being, I sat down with Daniel to plan an agenda of pending commitments. We have been working on commitments we have in common. I, for my part, am more focused on scheduling my personal work commitments, on checking my emails and social networks to see what comes up. Because last month I lost two clients due to indiscipline, lack of focus. We must be aware that we are responsible for our lives, sometimes we complain that we are not doing well, and we justify ourselves with ideas like “the world is in crisis”, “my country is in crisis”, when in reality we are not doing everything necessary to succeed in our projects, our activities. My great challenge in the coming days is that, to plan myself, to discipline myself and to work on the new opportunities that arise. As my mother says: “the worst diligence is the one that is not done”.

Thank you for reading, the photos you see were taken with my cell phone camera.