I am not an expert in psychology. I am not an accredited relationship counselor with credentials and a background in social work. I'm just a regular guy, with plenty of problems. I have had relationships, throughout my adult life. All of them have had good and bad, as every relationship does. I am not here to talk specifically about my current relationship, or about any specific relationship that I have had in the past.
I want to talk about HEALING
Some relationships may never go through problems of this nature, although I am rather sure that there will be some level of possible application, even in those. Whether you and your loved one need to heal from a rough past, or just want to keep your relationship solid and want some extra tools with which to do this, I hope that this small blurb from me helps.
SEX
Sex can be powerfully bonding and healthy. It can also be incredibly hurtful and damaging. Life has a way of throwing things at us. Stresses at work, or in the home life, or other internal and external stressors, can create situations, even in a healthy and loving relationship that can damage it. Whether that damage shows itself within the infrastructure of the home, or externally, it has an effect, internally, for at least one of the individuals in the relationship.
This internal result, will eventually become external and will have an effect on the other person in the relationship. In a relationship where there are secrets, there is no peace. The choice to separate oneself from the other, in secrecy, is damaging to both partners. We have to be open about our emotions, even if that's hard.
...By the way, I fail at this miserably, at times...
It's not that I hide myself away, intentionally, to hurt myself or my partner. It is something that we all do to some degree. From the moment we were born, we have learned to protect ourselves. We are born vulnerable, and as we develop, it is our job to protect ourselves, more and more, until we don't need our parents to survive. We learn to survive on our own.
Unfortunately, that survival instinct, can hurt us and those we care about. You see, there is another type of survival that we must learn in adulthood. Once we learn to eat, bathe, and clothe, ourselves, we begin developing relationships with people --Some of them, very close relationships. We learn to have manners, and we each have our own natural course to take in life's sociology. Through this learning, we must implement a new form of survival. This new form of survival, is relationship survival.
Relationship survival...
...is something that we will continue learning, for our entire adulthood. We learn different tools, through experience, to help us deal with our own emotions. We are all humans, so we all share the same emotions, rational and irrational.
We all deal with anger, sadness, happiness, horniness, joy, and sometimes despair. Some of these emotions are rational, and understandable. Some are healthy, and some are unhealthy. Know this: Each and every one of them, will have an effect on you and your relationship.
The goal of relationship survival, is to defend our relationships against internal and external strife, and to recognize damaging and irrational emotions, before they cause that damage.
Rational emotion, is just that --Rational. I won't get into this much, because if it is already a rational emotion, I don't really need to explain it, we already understand it. We just need to evaluate this emotion, and figure if it is damaging to our relationship, or beneficial. If it is rational, then it should inherently be healthy. Rational emotions, are always healthy emotions. This is because it is rational to live a healthy life, with a healthy relationship. However, all emotions, whether they are damaging, or beneficial, no matter what...
WE STILL, HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM...
That is right. All emotions, healthy or unhealthy, must be dealt with. We can't just get around them or shove them down. They will just keep welling up and getting stronger. So how do we recognize an unhealthy emotion, and how do we deal with it?
First off, what is an irrational emotion? An irrational emotion, is a bitch to deal with. I will lump the definition of unhealthy and irrational into, one thing, here. They are synonomous. I define it this way, because of the way in which we define what an irrational emotion, really is. So, what is an irrational emotion?
It is an emotion that can drive a person to more self, or relationship damaging, emotions or actions.
They are so difficult, because the reasons that we have them, are not always so easy to find. How do you deal with an emotion, if we don't even really understand it?
You have to actually, allow yourself to feel it, but NOT without being PREPARED...
...Irrational emotions, are strong. They can be debilitating and damaging. They incite fear into our lives and that fear can hurt us, more than the emotion itself. In order to deal with these irrational emotions, we must first give ourselves, the armor of true-rationality. What is this incredibly powerful tool, this armor?
Real Love...
Love is not just an emotion. I define love as, healthy actions, paired with naturally healthy emotions. Real love, is a solid rock, and a foundation to a healthy life and relationship. It involves more than just a feeling.
Love is a journey... One which we must keep learning each and every day...
If you love someone (including yourself) you look out for their benefit. You protect them, and you cherish them. We must do this, also, with ourselves, but there must be a balance so that we do not take advantage of those that we engage in relationships with, especially our partner-in-crime (or life).
If we stand on the rational precepts of real and rational love, then we stand a chance against these monsters, called irrational emotions. Before dealing with the irrational emotion, make sure to remind yourself of what you care about most in your life. Don't forget those things!!! They are your future and the future of your relationship...
Once you have found some sort of peace and grounding within yourself, then it's time to deal with that emotion. As much as I wish that no one had to do this, it must be done at some point. I was watching a seminar about two weeks ago, at a drug and alcohol, relapse prevention class. The speaker, was talking about how he used to have many, "thoughts of using." He was a poly-drug user, and has been clean for over twenty years.
He created an analogy for himself to use, to deal with these irrational thoughts and emotions. You see, the speaker had realized, that if he didn't deal with the irrational thoughts that he was having, then he would just keep having them, stronger and stronger. He called his analogy...
...Barrel-Full-Of-Thoughts
The idea of this, barrel full of thoughts, approach, stemmed from his realization that: If he just kept shoving the thoughts back into the barrel, then he would always have this barrel full of thoughts, and it would never go away. The barrel was so full, that it was leaking out these thoughts all the time. He was exhausted from constantly shoving these thoughts back into the barrel, and was running out of strength.
What he discovered was that, if he dealt with one of the thoughts that leaked out, then there would be one less thought in the barrel-full-of-thoughts. Every time that he dealt with a thought, the barrel was less full, and the thoughts would come less often. Eventually, the barrel was dried out, and he very seldom ever has these thoughts, anymore.
Seems simple, right? It's not always so easy, because these thoughts are often painful and damaging, and if we aren't prepared to deal with them, we can hurt ourselves and those that we are in a relationship with. So, what do we do? We go back to our principles of real and rational love, we dig in our heels, and we get through one of these ugly fucking emotions or thoughts that we have. We don't dwell, we think our way through to the other side.
Plan your landing...
...After you dig your heels, so deep into rationality, that you hear it scream bloody-fucking-murder, DON'T FORGET, that this same place is the same place you need to land, on the other side of your thought. This is how we win the battle. This is how we, eventually, win the war...
...and this is how the health of ourselves and our relationship, survives...
-Article by Jonathan Caleb Williams 
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