We lay, skin slick with cold rain, on the forest floor. Audie's little body, nestled, shivering as I grasped her tight against my chest and stomach in the attempt of keeping her warm. The volume of endlessly falling, black raindrops from the light-swallowing sky, fluctuated in it's quantity of decibels. Growing louder, then quieter, sporadically. The cold drops splattered in the mud around us, as our drowned clothes clung, tightly to our flesh. "I love you, so much," I said softly in her ear.
Her voice, in shaking tremolo, answered, "I... l-o-V-e... Y-o-O-u... T-o-O-o."
That wonderful woman, my soul mate, Audie Faith, still sits beside me, even as I'm writing this now. At the end of 2018, we had just lost our apartment and everything that we owned. We had no money, I had just gotten out of jail, and now we had no place to stay. I had just done 30 days and got out to no job, no clothes, no tent, no shelter. The only thing that we DID have, was love.
image from pixabay on pixel.com
In the beginning of 2019, we had taken refuge in the forest. Those first few nights in the rain, holding one another to stay warm, were tough, but we made it through. I remember feeling the fire in my heart, knowing that nothing could ever separate us. There could be no condition, that could separate our love, except that ancient, ultimate and carnal condition, death. What I had not yet conquered, was this, ugly and powerful monster in my life: I was an IV drug user and an alcoholic. I was pretty fucked up, and as I look back at myself, it shows.
2019 has been a roller-coaster. We started out, living in the forest with nothing, trying to figure out how to acquire each meal while attempting to support a diet of heavy drugs. I will admit to stealing some peanut butter and jelly from Wal-mart, a couple of times, and maybe some cheese. Though, I'm not a thief by nature, I could not bear to see my girl starve, and fuck Wal-mart, anyway. We were able to hustle up a couple hundred bucks, and bought an old, 1975, Dodge, Tioga Sportsman motor-home, that was broke down up Seven Devils Road. We got it running, but the transmission was shot and it was not drive-able. Funny, we lost our apartment at the Tioga, only to move into a Tioga motor-home.
We spent the next few months getting towed around by friends, hustling and "red-taggin' it" as we called it. Every place we parked, after a while, the cops would show up and mark the vehicle to be towed. We would then move. I wouldn't answer the door. I had four warrants out for my arrest in two counties. We were using drugs, partially because it was the only way that either of us knew how to survive anymore.
After about 8 months we had moved onto private property. I had money, I had a nice computer, a couple guitars, flat screen T.V., food, shelter, power... things were looking up, right? But, we didn't do it right, and the universe ripped it all away again in a matter of minutes. The funny thing, I'M SO GLAD THAT IT DID!
I ended up in jail again, on my outstanding warrants, two weeks later my girl had court and ended up in jail as well, barely dodging a prison set. Our little Jack Russel, Spencer, ended up in the pound (poor little guy), and thankfully, one of our friends got him out before he was put down. When I got out of jail, I was still using. My girl was still in jail. She got out about 2 months later. I missed her more than she will ever know.
Again, we had lost everything. The motor-home was gone, along with everything we had in it, and I mean EVERYTHING. Once again, we owned nothing but the set of clothes on our backs. Now, here, is where things changed. Though, they are a work in progress still, we take steps every day, and we love each other too much to give up.
We decided to get clean. It didn't happen immediately, but with a lot of work, we have succeeded. We have been completely clean off of drugs for 56 days now and life is getting so much better! We don't have a place yet, but we have a running van that we are traveling in. It's not such a bad life. We experience new gifts from the universe every day, and our love has never been so strong!
I was listening to someone talk the other day, in a group meeting. The person was still using drugs, but was wanting to clean up his life. He used to manage a high class restaurant and was respected, and well liked in the community before heartbreak and drug use destroyed his life. He shared one of his experiences with us, talking about how he had wanted to do something good with his time. He was sick of feeling like a dirt-ball, piece of shit, so he started picking up trash, as he walked down the road.
Suddenly, he burst into a smile. Before this point, he had been extremely solemn, and maybe a little angry. Now, a huge smile had spread across his face. He said, that he had turned around and that when he did, he saw that he had left something better than it was when he got there. That, is exactly how I feel about the last nearly two months. Each day, things get a little better. It happens slowly, one step at a time, and each day it becomes a little more noticeable how far I've come. Each day, I learn something new, I hone new-found skills, I do CRAZY things like find out that I have a passion for writing, and that I'm NOT THE ONLY ONE!!!
I appreciate my rebirth, more than I could express with words. It feels like sunlight bursting from each of my pores. I don't need much to be thankful, but the universe just keeps giving me more, and I'm loving it! My mind get's sharper every day. I learn to love a little better each day. I learn, I learn and I fucking learn some more. It's SO good. Anyway, this is how my year went in a nutshell. I hope that you have enjoyed. If you didn't, I don't much care on this one, 'cause this post was 99% for me, which I didn't realize until right about, now...