That night was totally different, it was so hot. I couldn't sleep, my throat was very dry, But I was even lazy to go walk near the table and drink some water. I don't want to be awake, but my brain kept functioning in a totally different way, it was like a bullet train, I'm getting thoughts about a lot of things in life. The things I try to forget, the things I avoid myself thinking about. It's mainly the problems I face in life, that I really don't know what to do about it.
Normally when this many depressing thought comes I try to go through my phone, watch some movie or something, even If couldn't sleep I don't have to be aware of these depressing thoughts, but tonight I was even lazy to take my phone. I faced the pillow and try to close my eyes forcefully, even though it was fully dark, the brain functioning made me really mad.
Somewhere in the middle, the memories of her started popping into my head. Then for some time, everything slowed down. I told her that we could break up and that it was the right decision, even now I feel that way. But even if it was the right decision I kind of miss her. I still love her, when I say miss her I don't mean I want her back. But I don't know there's some kind of feeling when I think about her, I don't have a clear idea what it is, I haven't felt this before.
It's not too much sadness, it's something totally different, it is not like old times. In some way, I feel like I can't lose her. Even after she left I don't feel like I lost her, she's there. There is something peculiar in the middle of all these.
I feel a different kind of change, the main thing is I started spending time doing nothing. That made me really think about things that I have been ignoring for a long time. That includes things like my relationship with my family, and the weakness and flaws in my character as a person.
And now when I look I feel like I'm a very flawed person like everyone else, there are really things that I never thought I would have. I felt most part of my life I kind of made decisions for myself. Everything I have done has been mostly chosen, but now I feel like it's a lie.
Maybe I didn't let the people who are close to me to affect my way of thinking, whatever there will be I always don't want to believe in someone else's beliefs. But nowadays I realize that my thoughts are also just byproducts of someone else's actions.
Maybe the social media, movies even songs all these are kind of affected me on a level that's worse than the other catalysts. Whatever I try to do it doesn't work out because I'm still at the same old place and trying to do something. If I have to make some changes to it, Firstly I have to change these basic things. These are affection towards media and the system.
An unrealistic dream isn't achievable, 'unrealistic' isn't the right word, we can call it a 'fake dream'. It doesn't usually exist, what we search for is a lie. Most things everyone wants is a fake world, the world they have built above the lies they heard from everywhere. It's hard to find the difference between the truth and lie, even then seeking the truth is all we can do and that's far better.
Maybe there is no such thing as truth, but we can get close to it each time we push forward. With an open mind, everyone talks about this open mind thing, but it's hard to have an open mind. Sticking to foolish philosophies is never going to help with that, sticking to any kind of ideology isn't that good. There's no idea that's perfect, we can adapt from one and learn more and change. Through that journey, we can find peace or whatever we are searching for.
