Good one. But couple of improvement suggestions:

• try to slow the story line down, it’s too fast.... meaning events don’t need to happen so quickly your reader feels hurried

• ask questions to the audience, that way they feel engaged and you feel relaxed as if you are talking to them

• surprise is good, but there are two ways to do it, build it up, or give a jolt without any pretense, you chose the later. If that is the case then make the case even more flat

• fix typos ;)