I've been recently looking for a place that'll align with my passions, but it's no use. I have to accept myself in that I have so many passions, and I'll never live the idealized version of myself who has only one passion and sticks to it, and lives a perfect life with perfect people, all around this passion. My biggest satisfaction would be to have a small, but more importantly, loyal community of people who appreciates and values my creations, of any kind, be them specific about a certain topic or just a mix of everything. I'm so anxious and I get so stressed when I see other people seem to have so much conviction about one thing, and it drives them to do stuff and take risks, while I'm sitting here wondering what will happen.
My biggest fear is to get to a point where I'll have to settle for a draining job by the necessity of money, and that'll stop me completely from focusing on my passions. Every thing I try feels forced and unnatural to a certain point, it's like I'm a wildcard to every place. I went to college for two years now, and I'm likely to halt it for next year. I like computer science, but the career and college atmosphere just doesn't feel quite like my cup of tea. My father tells me to take it easy, and that it shouldn't matter to me if I'm fully committing to the career or not, but I don't want it to be that thorn in my back. I'd rather spend the time polishing and working on my projects to see if I can get them further.
I honestly don't care about money. The only reason I'd care is because I want to do some things before I die, but if it were by me, I prefer to insist on landing some hit with my creative work rather than settling for a standard career/job path, which is unauthentic and daunting for me.
I recently attended conventions, took courses, signed up for a hobby project in a game dev group, but all of them only make me feel stressed that I have to be "as passionate as them" about whatever focus they have, when I just don't have it. I just like specific aspects of those environments, but I feel out of place most of the time.
