He did not want to eat, but once he had his first taste he gobbled it up as if he was ravenous. He sat back with a smile. “Do you have a cigarette?”
“Is that why you had cancer?”
“Cherine, why don’t we do a telling for him?” Meli asked.
She laughed. “You’re the boss.”
I’ve deliberately presented him the way I did. Does he sound too cute and unreal? It was not because he thought he was funny. It is the way he reacts to terror. As the telling started he forgot himself and by the time we took our first break he was hooked. He believed and wanted to be a Cherinian. He had an endless stream of questions that would not stop, even when we asked him to wait.
He did not sleep that night, walking without looking where he was going and by dawn he thought he was lost. He found a stream, drank and then saw the raspberries. He ate all the fruit on the bush and walked off looking for more. He wandered away from the stream and when he saw a small rise in the land he walked up it and sat at the top on the soft green grass, confident we would find him.
We were conferring. Most of us had the feeling he will not agree to be born a girl. Though Lynda thought she’d found a very nice Allan, which he might be, he exhibits the signs of having the same hang-ups as the other Allans we’ve met. We decided to finish the telling before talking about it. Personally, I thought we’d screwed up. Not bringing him back as Allan will feel like we are killing him. If I can give or save your life and I don’t, am I your killer? The majority of mankind have not thought so, or else the history of Earth would have been very different, but we are Cherinians. I kept my thoughts secret, for I needed to think it through. Did we kill the personalities that were, for most of us to be born? Does it mean all births will have to cease or else we’ll be killing the previous personality?
During the telling, my thoughts kept wandering to our ethical problem, so I left and walked into the forest to think. I felt the girls falter for a second and then they gave a mental shrug with the thought ‘that is Samantha’ but beneath it all they were hurt. When I found my thoughts going in circles I gave up and returned to my body in Freddie. Robbie jumped to me when he felt me. He asked me what is wrong and I told him. When others began to jump to our house Robbie suggested we go to the taverna and give more people the opportunity to offer their point of view.
“I presume it is the same for many species, but I know that for Terrans, mothers are revered as the creators or bringers of life. I feel sick at the thought that mothers are also the takers of life, killing the previous personality, wiping the slate clean so as to impose a new personality upon the soul.”
When Robbie tried to argue against me, claiming the previous personalities were not lost, I jumped and returned with a painting of Jade’s. I showed it to everyone. “This is considered one of her masterpieces. Robbie, bring your brushes and cover it with white paint and paint a new painting over it. The old painting will not be lost, it will still be there underneath your painting and we’ll have a new painting of yours to admire.”
Carefully he took it from my hands, afraid I’d damage it as I gesticulated. “It is not the same Samantha, you are doing what you accuse others of, you are comparing oranges to apples. The one would be pointless destruction of something unique while the other is a natural way for souls to grow.”
“Then you have condemned your soul by refusing to allow Robert Teller to die and be replaced with a new personality?”
His answer showed me he was still refusing to think about it. “The problem is that you’ve come to know the Allan we collected. I’ll return to collect cells from his body…”
“You are not killers Solomon. You are nurturers, assisting souls to continue a cycle that is natural to them while helping them pass through the void without the suffering that damages souls. At least, that is true for Terran souls. Samantha has personalised the process because she likes the soul we collected and cannot bear to think of it not continuing.
If we had not gone to collect this Allan, he still would have died, gone to the void, had his personality shred by the void and he would have returned to life with his past totally forgotten. The souls you help do reclaim their heritage, remembering and learning from the people they were.”
“Why do the souls forget their past when they join the new body?”
“I think that the brain of the foetus is not developed enough for them to hold on to their memories. The same as when I’ve tried taking on the body of a non-sentient creature. Even if the brain is as big as mine, if it is not complex enough to allow a human mind to think, within minutes or hours I lose myself. Samantha is wrong, the mother does not kill any souls, it is just that the soul and mind adjusts to its new environment.”
Everyone was arguing against me, apart from Solomon. I’d caused our Sparkler friends a lot of pain and I now had that guilt to deal with, in addition to the thoughts that were already torturing me. I tried to become more objective.
“Until every single human being is a Cherinian, we dare not interrupt the process. All the help that Sparklers of all realities can offer is valuable, for at least the souls of my species and a few others that are born are no longer pointlessly damaged. Neither can we go on an orgy of linking everyone, that way would lead to catastrophe. I’m sorry I troubled all of you without thinking it through first on my own.”
Onimersus tapped his fingers on the table as he spoke. “Solomon, it is impossible for us to know how the Sparklers feel about their own lives so I will not include your people in my thoughts.
One aspect that seems to be common among all species is a fierce desire for the existing personality, or should I say, mind, to continue existing forever. If we consider the ethics from that point of view only, then we cannot argue effectively and we have to mourn a death with every birth we rejoice.
My people hold the view that each of us, in our present incarnation are not the total personality, only an aspect of the total. A simple example would illustrate our way of thinking. When I am greatly angered by something done to me, that aspect of my personality, the anger, dominates and ignores the rest of my total belief system, demanding it exist for as long as possible. When I meet the female to be my mate, the part of me that loves, that aspect of my personality, takes control of the total mixture of complex parts that make me the person I am and it demands that it exists for all time to revere and adore the one I love. In all cases, if I have a healthy mind, a balance is restored.
We believe that souls do not kill the personality of each life in a body. They add it to the sum of lives and gradually build their final personality. Robert and Cherine were hypnotised and re-lived two previous lives. Those lives are not lost, they added to their souls so that what they are today is the sum of what they were with new aspects added, so that they have grown.
Some children fear growing up for they sense that adults are different from them and they feel a preciousness of their being will be lost. Those that do not mature, unable to endure the process of evolving and growth, they remain stunted. Changes do not kill what was, they only add to them.”
Robbie grinned, conscious that he was about to say what others would, if he did not. “I am stunted?”
Luigi asked, “Do the Anadir live their lives that wisely?”
“No, we mourn our dead and wish for time to be turned backwards when we lose a loved one.”
“But your beliefs provide you comfort. Perhaps Samantha will have to do the same.”
“If I can learn to think the same way as them Luigi. I need some time alone.”
Alone in my apartment I wondered how I should resolve the situation. The thought of asking Allan to become a new personality still smacked of asking him to commit suicide. Onimersus had not convinced me, just as no religion has. All he’d offered was a belief system, whereas I am facing facts that are hurting me.
The need to survive at whatever the cost; add to that empathy and the need of all others becomes as real as my own. My thoughts drifted to Cherine. How does she bear it - how will she react when she hears of my arguments? I decided it is pointless comparing myself to Cherine. She has learnt to control her empathy when it pointlessly tears at her. For her, empathy is the driving force if she can do something about it, the rest she files away for it to eat at her without her feeling it.
The only real test is imagining myself no longer existing, a buried memory with some new personality dominating me. A sudden thought slashed across my mind. That is exactly what Le'sase did for me! With amazement I recalled I’d never sensed any resentment from him.
*I am a part of you Samantha, just as what you are comes from me.*
*Surely that is not enough for you? I remember that you have the instinct for survival.*
*When you get to my time, perhaps Robert will find a way to heal my body? Of what pleasure is that Samantha, if he does not heal our sun? I am a part of the life of my world.*
*I’m certain he’ll find a way, especially now that we know how to do it. Just keep in mind that it is only temporary; as you sun continues to age, even the shields will no longer be enough. Robbie will only buy time for you so that we can terraform another planet for your people. What you are saying is that you do not resent becoming me because you have the hope Robert will bring you back to life? That will be a paradox, but if time allows it I’ll be pleased.* I felt the first stirrings of an emotion that surprised me. *I can’t imagine what my life will be like afterwards. I’ve grown used to feeling you as a part of me.*
*If I leave Samantha, I will not be just Le'sase, there will be some of Samantha with me. Will you not keep a part of me too?*
We reassured each other of our love and need to remain merged to a degree, but I ended the contact feeling I had not gained any new insights. I decided to return to Meli’s world.
The telling had finished, so I peeked in Aganthi to see how they’d ended it. They’d shown him our reasons for searching him out and left the ending for him to decide. No wonder he was feeling both anxious and depressed.
Of all of us, he feels more relaxed with Cherine. Apart from her wives and husband, only Alki feels that way with her so she was very pleased and tremendously flattered. She sat by him while we all wandered a small distance away.
Perhaps you have also not thought of something else. As a Cherinian, my future self will exist for thousands of times the short lifetime I’ve existed, what impression can I make on the final merged personality?”
“I hadn’t thought of that!”
He smiled, anticipating amusing us, but his eyes betrayed his anxiety. “A girl! I like having a penis.”
She cheekily grinned at him. “So do I, if it belongs to Robert.” He laughed.
“The problem is I do not like touching males or their sexual organs. Everything in me yearns for what is female. That could be why I also never play with boys, although I love children.”
“That is partly because you think of them looking at you with the eyes of males, judging you as males. You see them as future competition?”
He shrugged and then shuddered. “Yuck! I just tried to imagine Michael wanting me to take his penis in my mouth.” He glanced at her to see if he’d offended her, but she could empathise with how he felt and smiled back. “It is not that I don’t like Michael, he seems to be a nice guy, though not much like my father anymore.”
“You may be right but, a lot of his strengths and weaknesses do come from his previous lives.”
“If so, you are going to sicken him. My father never knowingly hurt anyone, he was a real softie.”
“Did you make the same oath at his deathbed?”
“I wasn’t there, my experiences were different from your Allan.”
“Would you have if you’d been there?”
An annoyed look crossed his features for a moment and then he grinned, hiding his feelings because he is too nice to be nasty to a little girl. “You are hoping to manipulate me? Even if I had, I would never have imagined myself providing him with a female body for him to fuck.”
“You really do have a hang up about sex!”
“Why didn’t you look for a gay Allan? Not that I’m complaining that you helped me.”
“There’d be a better chance of him agreeing?”
“I guess he’d be just as freaked out as me. Cherine, I don’t want to stop living.”
“Born as a Cherinian and protected from the void, you would still remain aware to an extent.”
“Can I close my eyes if I don’t want to watch?” Suddenly it was as if a sun lit up in his mind. “Jesus! I could exist for as long as my new body does!”
“What?”
“Tseri!”
“Oh god!”
It is so typical of our Allan, though I doubt that even he goes to the extreme to the same degree. Allan felt that he is being offered by Cherine the chance to become an immortal Cherinian and he saw it as a ‘deal’ they were striking. He strongly felt that for him to benefit, he has to offer a fair exchange.
I don’t know what he was thinking of, but he flabbergasted us when he asked to meet Michael. He said he wants to be certain Michael likes him. What that has to do with anything we could not see. Cherine giggled.
“I don’t think it would be a good idea for him to meet you as a man.”
“That’s okay, tell him to come as a girl.” He had his laugh and then offered to allow us to change him for a little time. “It should be interesting. Apart, I mean, from experiencing what it feels like being a girl. Cherine, how much of how we think of ourselves is dictated by the body?”
None of us thought it was a good idea. We could not even guess what Eleni’s daughter will look like. Differences in appearance could affect the way Michael reacts to her when she is born. Allan insisted he thought it was a good idea. He asked that we do not make him pretty. I guess curiosity got the better of us and Cherine changed him to a little girl of about five and Michael was asked to come. Very reluctantly he did.
We’d given Allan half an hour to get used to being a female child. For the first ten minutes, whenever he thought we were not looking he’d rub his fingers up and down his crotch. When Michael appeared, walking along a grass strip towards us, Allan stopped and stared at him.
“Hi, I’m Michael.”
“Hi.”
Michael sat on the grass. “You wanted to meet me?” Allan nodded. “Are you feeling shy?”
“No, maybe. Are you?”
Michael laughed. “A little.”
“Do you like raspberries? I know where there are some.” Michael got to his feet and taking the tiny hand in his he allowed himself to be taken into some trees.
Claudia giggled. “I think he’s already half seduced him.”
For the next forty minutes we listened in as they chatted and laughed, sensing their emoting also. Michael decided he’d had enough raspberries and sat with his back against a tree trunk. Allan looked at him shyly out of the corners of his eyes as he pretended to look for more berries.
“Why don’t you sit with me and talk. I’d like to get to know you.”
We were just as surprised as Michael was when Allan sat on his lap. We also sensed that the feelings coursing through him, to a large extent, had to do with the awareness that this is-was his father. His father had hardly ever touched him while he was a child and he treasured the feeling of sitting on his lap and being held. As they talked he kept on sweeping his fingers over the arm that held him, pushing the dark hairs one way and then back the other way, as if they fascinated him.
Michael was caught by surprise when Allan suddenly said, “I think you better go.” He took his hand in both of his. “I like you, I hope we will be friends.”
It took Allan a long time to recover when he was changed back to a man. “I like him, but he confused me.”
“He made me feel like a little girl - more than being a girl did.”
Cherine giggled. “Did you miss not having your penis?”
He avoided the question. “I’m glad I first met him as a child. Cherine, we have a deal if you agree to my one condition.”
“You have conditions? I did promise to give you your own body once her personality is strong enough.”
“Not that. Cherine, I must go with them. I was born a Normal, they will need me. All four of them, Michael and my girl part, but also his Anadir friend and female.”
“Not Anadir, Meéjeiran. I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“Why not?” Wow, a Normal arguing with Cherine, we were spellbound.
“You’ll identify too closely with Michael’s wife - and her with you.”
“That can be dealt with. Cherine, I can sense my father in him but, at the same time, he is too soft, too gentle. He has only lived in Freddie and, according to your telling, it means he has not experienced pain. Nor will my female self be stronger. They will need me.”
Cherine returned to her body to ask Michael and Robbie. Of course Robbie saw the sense in Allan’s request and had no objections. Michael was not certain it was necessary and found the idea of having both halves of Allan as his companions disturbing. He could not find a valid excuse to refuse and agreed.
Because of the visits by myself and then Cherine, time had passed and it had become urgent for the foetus. Allan asked for and quickly drank three tankards of ale and then, with a drunken slur, ordered us to take him. Before we did, every single one of us, starting from Cherine, gave him a kiss and sent him love. It sort of sobered him, but he lost his body with a smile.
The uniqueness of the conception and the story of Allan made everyone want to be present, so Eleni had to wait for the soul of her daughter in public. A cheer went up when the soul entered and all of us sent a wave of love as it settled in. It took the usual time for the soul to degenerate to a mindless clean beginning.
Michael walked around in a daze and tried to control himself, but every few hours he asked Eleni if her daughter is communicating yet. It did not seem to help telling him he has many weeks to wait.
One of the first things we noticed, despite the shock of you writing, plus the reason for it, was that you gave your real name. We presume you no longer feel it is important to remain anonymous. This by itself has helped us realise what a catastrophe you are facing. It is also weird to realise that what we are writing you shared and wrote years ago in your life.
As you said, we cannot help and it is important we continue with saving the people of the worlds in this Unation, but you are in our hearts and our thoughts and the truth is, we are sickened by it. Even more scientists are now trying to formulate some theory or other which will make it possible for us to come to your reality. It hurts that we dare not even try to give you hope.
None of the travels to get the dying Allan and subsequent trips to Meli delayed the work. Within a few days Michael threw himself wholeheartedly into the work he’d been given, more as a way of forcing time to pass than because of interest in doing it. Once he started, he soon got caught up in the day to day problems, especially those caused by the very people we were trying to save.
His instincts let him down. On the one day he did not first contact Eleni on returning to Freddie, she ‘sent’ him a message that her daughter is emoting. He came alive as he shouted the news to us and jumped to their home. When he felt the first wispy tendrils of her emoting, he held his breath as if he’d experienced a holy moment.
Eleni laughed as she said to us, “I have never seen such an impatient bridegroom! He can’t even wait for her to be born.”
“He is different from all of us Eleni, he was born a Cherinian, but unlike all the others, he never had someone to love without holding anything back. The prophecy has had a bad effect on him.”
“Do you think she will make him happy?”
Cherine laughed and kissed her. Jessie is not much better than Eleni, she seems to have forgotten she was originally an American and reacts in all ways as the Greeks do, very emotionally.
I should have mentioned earlier, but I forgot because it does not need much common sense to realise we had to leave the Sprakil planets for last, as I would have to concentrate on them without other distractions. We also had to remain vigilant on the planets he’d lived on in his previous incarnations, doing all we could to ensure the right families formed for him to be born to, while also manipulating time. Things did not always work out the way we planned and a Sparkler had to carry him forward in time and to another planet when one of the families he was meant to be born into did not show any interest in mating until things had settled down. We saw to it that he always met us in each incarnation and became friends without revealing the real reason for our interest. His families also met Iziko, but none of them became close to him.
We had reached the time that the Cherinian foetus usually is named. She showed no interest and Michael could not find a name that suited that delightful personality he was communicating and bonding with daily. We pushed Eleni and Jessie to confront Michael. He asked them to name her, but they wisely refused (also because they could not think of a name worthy of her). Allan is walking around with a foolish grin on his face all the time and it is obvious to all that he is besotted with love and overcome by awe at his becoming the father of a child.
Aganthi suggested to Eleni the name Ahnì (Αγνή, it means ‘pure’), claiming it suits her because both of them will be loving and marrying each other while they are babies. Eleni asked Aganthi to suggest the name to Michael. He loved it and the next time he spoke to her he asked her if she likes the name.
*Will you make me stay ahnì for a long time?*
Michael had not thought a foetus would be interested in sex, despite his sharing as a foetus when Cherine made love, so he did not understand and asked if she wanted to change her name later on. Her baby laughter embarrassed him for a long time once he had the facts of life explained to him.
Ahnì could sense how eagerly and impatiently Michael waited for her and when he returned one day from work feeling depressed because of all that had gone wrong, he first sat at the taverna to cheer himself up by listening to others talk of all that had gone right for them. He was listening with eyes half closed, concentrating on what was being said when a skirt softly touched his arm. As he turned, he first saw her feet and shins, then the skirt, until his eyes finally met those of a new face, one he had never seen before. Of course everyone had stopped talking and were strongly emoting, so Michael instantly guessed and struggled to get to his feet without knocking her over. She smiled.
“Do not be sad Michael, it makes me sad.”
“Ahnì! God, you are beautiful!”
She tilted her head exactly as Robbie does, with a mischievous smile. “Of course, I had to be so that you’ll love me.”
Everyone had blanked their emoting so as not to disturb them and they were like two beacons of love, touching us with a love that was so deeply pure it brought tears to everyone’s eyes.
“I cannot stay my love, I have to return. I’ll see you soon.” Having left him with a vision to drive him insane while waiting alone each night, she disappeared.
Our Michael is a romantic. He asked Jade to do a painting of Ahnì’s first appearance for both of them to treasure in the years to come. He pulled me into his arms and whispered in my mind, *Don’t worry so! I’ll leave the painting here for when we return to our family.*
Six months and eighteen days after conception, Eleni gave birth to Ahnì. As a baby she was a dainty little thing with dark hair already growing. Allan held her as they cut her umbilical cord. He then washed her and wrapping a non-GMO and pesticide free cotton baby sheet around her he gazed into her eyes as she communicated with him. Fearfully his lips barely touched her head and then he passed her to Eleni. Her face ecstatic she shared the moment with Jessie and then she looked at Michael.
“You want me to hold her? What if I drop her or hurt her?”
“She asked for you.”
Carefully he supported her head, scarcely able to credit how such a tiny creature could make him feel so protective and full of love. She stared into his eyes and he swayed. Instantly Allan was at his side to seat him on the bed. Silently we shared his rapturous emoting, wondering what she was telling him.
Back at the taverna, an hour later, Robbie handed Allan a cigar and everybody raised a glass of champagne to toast our Ahnì. Robbie grinned.
“My first daughter in law. I have an Allan as a daughter in law!”
Allan frowned at him, trying to look stern or threatening. “You stay away from her, she is not your daughter.”
That was just a small sample of the fooling around the men indulged in, as if it hid their vulnerability to love. As for us girls, we preferred to share with Eleni and Jessie as they concentrated on Ahnì. Cherine went into Eleni’s mind and she shared with us as they talked with Ahnì. She grew sleepy and we withdrew, feeling as if these first few minutes of a new life have blessed us.
Allan turned out to be far stricter than we’d expected. He forbade Ahnì from projecting until she was three days old. He allowed Michael time with her, but insisted she spend most of her day sleeping. Ahnì indulged him, but in the end she admitted he was right and she was much stronger by the time she first projected. Ahnì has been aware for some time why she was conceived and she does not resent our presumptions on her behalf because she loves Michael, but, she also feels that time with her parents is precious because of that. The first time she projected, after being born, was in the early evening as they sat alone in their home. She appeared as a six year old girl and both Eleni and Jessie did not mind that she spent most of that time sitting on Allan’s lap. We suspect she would have been a daddy’s girl if not for Michael.
