I hope it does not sound arrogant when I say, I am the best Dad living today. Alright, maybe not the best, but I am at least in the top two billion. I am often asked (and by often I mean never) how to raise good children. I will now answer that question with a series of statements that represent hours (probably days by this point) of conversations I have had with my children for the last nineteen years. It is not exhaustive.
First thing first. I teach my children that they have a purpose. When I ask one of my three sons or my daughter, "What is your purpose in life?", they answer, "To bring glory to God". This will of course not be agreed upon by many parents, but I am willing to be correct. If you are not a follower of Christ much of this post can still serve to ensure you are not raising the next generation of d-bags. Now for the things I tell my kids...
Things You Absolutely Cannot Do
You cannot be anything you want to be. We have done our children a massive disservice for decades by telling them they can be whatever they want if they just work hard enough. For instance, my daughter may pretend to be horse, but no matter how hard she tries she will never actually be a horse. In the same way, none of my children have the intellect to be the world's leading quantum physicist. No amount of hard work will overcome that limitation.
You cannot un-see, un-say, un-hear, un-touch, or un-taste anything. Ever. It may seem this is so obvious that it goes without saying. Say it anyway. Give examples. Update the examples as your children get older.
Anything wrong that will surprise me. Human beings are fallen. We are all capable of horrible things.
Anything that will make me not love you. I tell my kids that if they ever murder someone they should come to me. I will punch them in the throat, go with them to the police, continue to love them, and visit them in prison until one of us dies.
Things You Absolutely Should Not Do
Lie. While I do have a philosophy about when you are obligated to tell the truth (which may very well be wrong), I did not discuss this with them when they were very young. As they get older I explain my beliefs and the alternatives. For instance, what would you do if you were hiding Jews in your house when the Nazis came knocking.
Procrastinate. It is not a quirky trait that makes some people interesting, or ultimately more productive, or creative, or whatever other pig balls you wish to use to excuse it.
Become materialistic. It would take quite some time to get into this. Suffice it to say, materialism engenders shallow individuals that bring little of worth to the world, take much out of it, and leave it all behind as they rot in the ground.
See God the Father through the lens of your Dad. I suck, God the Father does not. When He loses his temper it is always correct. When He blesses you it is always for the right reasons and in the right ways. When He disciplines you, it is always for the right reasons and in the right ways. His rules are always correct, and his opinions are not opinions.
Things You Absolutely Cannot Do While You Live In My House
Date. Dating is the process of finding a mate for life. If you cannot afford to buy your own food or shelter you are not ready to have a mate. I could say they are not allow to date until they are eighteen, but...
Live in it after you graduate high school. Of course there could be exceptions if any of my kids go to trade school or college nearby, or if they become ill etc. In general however, my job is to get them out of the house. Their job is to get out of my house. If they choose not to attend trade school or college they will be forced to figure out how to live within their means while working at the gas station.
Own a phone until you can pay for the bills. Parents that buy their children phones worth $800 or more before they are sixteen, and then pay for the service on a monthly basis are making a tactical and financial mistake on several levels. I know there are many (maybe most) parents that would disagree with me. Your situation could be the exception to the rule. It is not.
Spend time using electronics if you do not read. One minute of reading is equal to one minute of electronics (excluding family movie time)
Things You Absolutely Can Do
Earn more freedom by fulfilling your responsibilities. I am not strict when it comes to bedtime, curfew, etc. (once they are teenagers) IF the child in question is meeting their obligations, living responsibly, and respecting my wife and I. I had to keep tighter reigns on my oldest son when he lived at home because he chose poorly at times (but not horribly by any stretch of the imagination). The oldest living at home now is more organized, does not procrastinate, and is in general more trustworthy than was his older brother when he lived at home. I am able to say yes to him quite a bit more often. However, he is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination...because he is a human being.
Things You Absolutely Should Do
Imitate Christ. This is vital to fulfilling your purpose if it is to bring glory to God.
Know what you believe and why you believe it.
Be a better person than I am.
Choose a mate wisely.
Keep your junk in your pants until you are married.
Work hard at your job, not at finding ways to avoid it.
Make a good choice as soon as you make a bad one. I ask my kids on a regular basis, "What is the first thing you do after you make a bad choice?" They answer, "make a good choice." For instance, as an example of a really bad choice, you get a girl pregnant. What is the first thing you should do? Tell all the parents. Anything else will only compound the problem. Once the throat punch has been administered and the forgiveness has been given, the figuring out how to move forward in a way that is best for the baby, the mother, and the son in question can begin.
Figure out what your limitations are, push yourself to them, and accomplish everything you are able to accomplish in order to fulfill your purpose.
Things You Absolutely Will Do
Fail at some of the things you absolutely should do.
Get a job when you turn sixteen. My boys all started working in the corn fields during the summer when they were thirteen. They were also blown away by the dumb-asses that quit half way through the first day because it was too hot, too muddy, too itchy, or whatever else. I am quite proud of my children.
Die. Prepare accordingly.
It may sound to some as if my children are living in hell, but I assure you the entire point of making these choices is to avoid that situation. My three teenage boys are all hard workers, do well in school, are polite in public and have garnered compliments sense they toddlers for their behavior in public. The oldest is an Eagle Scout, and the other two are on their way (assuming their troop is not taken over by girls and they choose to quit). My daughter is too young to work, but will be getting a job when she turns sixteen. They are not perfect children, and I am far from a perfect father. Our home has many problems just as most do, but it is filled with lots of hugs, laughing, loving, and all that good crap you are supposed to have.
My oldest son attends Wheaton College in Chicago and is one of only a few of his circle of friends that is excelling in school post high school. During the summer he will be staying with us (as a house guest) and working two jobs to pad his bank account for the coming school year (for which he also already has a job lined up). I began treating him as a man the day he moved out and he quickly started behaving as one. He will make mistakes, but the chances that he ends up fulfilling his purpose and being a better man than I are quite high. My two other sons and my daughter are doing well, and swarm around me like bees it seems. Probably because I am so freaking delightful to be around. Actually, I have no idea why they hang out with me as I am really quite an ass.
My daughter is only eleven so there is still plenty of time for me to make more mistakes, for them to make more mistakes, or for life to crush us in some unexpected way. Hell's bells, I would say you have at best an 80/20 chance of full on "success" even if you do everything right (which I do not). Still, I have spent years predicting the outcomes of the choices many of my kids' friends and their parents have made that run counter to our strategy for raising children. They rarely let me down.
Remember, these ideas represent hours of conversation with caveats, explanations, examples, reasons, etc. I would not say they are rules every parent should follow, but I also would not say they are quite at the level of "rules of thumb". Several of them I would be willing to go to the mattresses to defend, but mostly I just sit back and watch as the children of my family members, acquaintances, public figures, etc. fall apart and everyone wonders why. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they are calling their parents from their own phone to give their date a ride home because they are only fifteen and will not be able to get a car until they get a job when they turn twenty unless it is given to them because they should not have to start working when they are sixteen.
