![1000176683.jpg](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tikatarot/Ep3dqdyUbsT6r9qmFgZhYJBzU7KUB5xDGKe6WuXKXjMvZALiwAuAXZgxak4hc6DdUvk.jpg) ![topfeather.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tikatarot/jVIY8Tx5-top-feather.png) I have been the person in the room who felt things at a volume, where the room had not agreed to and still spent years trying to turn myself down to a level that would be easier for everyone including me to be around, I have been the person who saw the crack in something beautiful, the hidden wound underneath the ordinary thing and the particular sadness in a room full of people who were laughing and not known how to explain any of it, I have been the person who felt the feeling first, and then looked around to find that no one else seemed to be registering it and spent the rest of the hour wondering whether I had invented it or whether I was simply the only one willing to stand in it, How long have I been apologizing for the intensity of what I feel, when the intensity is in fact the only reason anything I have ever made was worth seeing at all, I have been the person in the room who felt too much, and over time I have come to understand that too much was never the problem but the only real thing I had to offer and the only thing I kept trying to give back to the world... I have crafted things from the pain I was no longer supposed to feel, I discovered that making was the only way through that didn’t require me to pretend the pain had already passed me, I have created things over the years that should have been left behind, only to discover that behind me and done with me are two entirely different addresses and realizing the work knows where I actually live, I have crafted things out of the feelings I had carried so quietly for so long that I had forgotten they were weight until I set them down inside something I was making and felt the difference in my own hands, What am I still carrying right now that I have not yet found a shape for it, and does the “not-yet-finding” mean it is not ready yet or does it mean I have not yet given it enough room to become what it is trying to be, I have crafted things out of the pain and the confusion, the particular isolation of seeing things that no one around me seemed to be seeing and every single time the making has been the most honest thing I knew how to do with what I was holding on to... I have stood at the edge of sharing something true, real and difficult, and felt the full exposure of it in my body before the work had left my hands, I have stood at the edge and known that what I was holding was made from the exact part of me that is most at risk of being misread and most easily reduced to something it was not by someone having a peaceful and casual morning, I have stood at the edge and shared it anyway, not because the fear had been resolved or the vulnerability had been replaced with something more comfortable but because there was simply no version of staying quiet that felt like it was enough, Is sharing it an act of trust in what I made or just an act of trust in myself, is there any difference between those two things when the work was made from the deepest part of me hidden beneath every pain, I have stood at the edge and stepped off so many times that stepping has never become easier, I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy, and I’ve gradually stopped waiting for the day when it will be ready… I am not here because the path was clear for the fear was small or the conditions were finally right enough to justify the beginning of everything, I am not here because I resolved the question of whether I was enough before I started or maybe because the loudest voice in the room was ever the one that said yes to participating, I am not here because the art didn’t require someone more prepared, certain, or willing to endure the inherent costs of creating something authentic beyond we can comprehend, What does it mean that I am still here and still making things after everything that has made me want to stop, does it mean that I was right to keep going or does it mean something I have not yet found the word to describe this adventure, I am not here because it was ever easy, safe or certain but because the making is the truest thing I have left, and the truest thing that only I have ever really known how to hold myself together without losing hope in my life... Watchwords: Felt things at a volume the room hadn't agreed to Too much was the only real thing I had to offer The work knows where I actually live inside it Stepping off and it has never gotten easier Still here because the making is the truest thing ![bottomfeather.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tikatarot/bYIitQga-bottom-feather.png) *** Here is Tikatarot, who dares you to answer the question, *“Who am I?”..* *** *** As and will always be reminding you to dream: *“As you are still the Master of your destiny and the maker of your dreams…”* ![tikatarot sign.png](https://files.peakd.com/file/peakd-hive/tikatarot/cUPh7Abd-tikatarot20sign.png)