It's OK for me to dive deep into the polluted depths of our world. After all, I was raised in it, modified and nurtured by it, shaped by its programming, fed by its products. It's not like I'm forcing myself to go into something completely alien to me; the System recognizes me as its own. My body still belongs to it, my genetics are still in sync, and if I consume the System's products and follow its prescribed patterns of behavior, its physical laws, and its models of rewards and punishments, I am just another brick in the wall - indistinguishable, unalarming.
This can be called a "spy mode", but it is so ONLY if I manage to blend in without giving in, to absorb as much trash as possible, but then... to make an unexpected move, to do something that will transform the trash into clean, pure power.
It was only recently that I started changing, and due to these changes I now feel more and more discomfort and pressure when coming in contact with certain processes that felt normal to me before. Now I must learn to dive in and associate with them just like I did before, but then find the strength to jump out of it, to leave the room, to take everything I have collected there and turn it into something else. It's kind of like... collecting toxic trash and utilizing it in such a way that it turns into something useful, something that can cleanse the air, and empower the body, and create new life.
I often fail, I often fall back into just existing. It will sound crazy, but it's very difficult to stay really ALIVE for longer stretches of time. They have made a system in which everyone is happy and comfortable in the process of slow, unavoidable dying. Existing in the mode of slow dying is easy and often pleasant; when people realize what needs to be done to stop dying and start LIVING (and keep doing it moment after moment since it's an active process of intent, it doesn't just happen by itself), they don't want to... It's too hard. It's too hard for us to actively defy dying because being alive has nothing to do with standard modes of what we call relaxing, chilling, killing time.
