Dear David... Thank you for being a part of my life.
Life doesn't feel the same without you, feels like something big is missing.
I know/believe you are still there in spirit and you always will be, but... Your physical presence on this planet not being here anymore is difficult to deal with.
I wanna try to keep this mostly positive, so.. I'm going to try.
I had a dream with you in it the night you passed away... We were working together again and wearing the same colors on our clothes and I even told my mom that when I woke up, and then a couple of hours later I learned about what happened...
Hurts extra bad because I was planning on messaging you soon, within a week or two.
Though, I said I'm trying to keep this mostly positive, so... Gonna try to avoid saying things like that about how much it hurts and just try to focus on more positive things for right now.
After I learned what happened I went to your Facebook page and saw you posted "Shenna" at 1:11... I still don't know what Shenna means, but after I passed out that night... I woke up to go to the bathroom and I looked at the clock and it said 1:11 and then my mom said she took a nap the next day and woke up at 1:11... Who knows if any of that means anything or is just a coincidence? Though, I do feel like there is something spiritual going on.
I talked to your sister and also Isaac and they told me some more about what's going on... They both said there was nothing I could have done... And Dusty also said that when he was dealing with addiction there was nothing anyone else could do to help him, he had to somehow find it within himself.
And, I feel similar with my depression... I didn't think there was any way out and nothing that anyone said really mattered very much in the sense of healing or fixing my problem... I had to find it within myself and I also got lucky... I stumbled onto some information about self love that made a big difference and I tried to share that with you when we were hanging out before things "ended" so to speak...
I've also tried to share that self love stuff with quite a few other people who are depressed and... A lot of the times it just doesn't seem to help.
Words only go so far... I wish they went further sometimes, I wish you were still here... No matter what happened in the past I still wish the best for you and everyone no matter what anyone has done.
Yesterday morning I went on a walk with my mom and then we lit some candles for you and my mom's friend showed up and we all held hands and prayed for you to find your way to your next adventure.
It's so hard to believe... You've always been so big and strong and such a warrior and you had this thing with your mind where you could do almost anything you set your mind to and you always got to be with the most beautiful women and had a successful business and family and I looked up to you so much in some ways... I never thought you would leave this early like this, I thought we would be competing when we were like 80 and 90 years old.
We talked about starting businesses together and making millions and going on epic adventures and raising our families together. (Assuming I was ever lucky enough to have a family)
And, now... I have these memories.
I'm so grateful though that I got to know you and that we were able to reconnect for a while before all this happened.
You were probably the friend I spent the most time with in this life, and... We have countless priceless memories.
Loved playing Magic The Gathering with you and Heroes of Might and Magic 2... And, Tekken! Street fighter! So many things...
It definitely was not all positive, yet... I was really lucky to have you as a friend and I hope you will continue to hang around in spirit and join me on my future adventures.
Love you so much forever and I'll see you again when it's my time to leave this realm.
PS... I will continue writing you letters just like I do with Amanda. It's crazy you both left in the same month... I guess I have to keep "Marching" forward... One foot in front of the other...
Part of me... Wants to write sad poetry.
To just let it all out, set the energies free.
Though, another part of me doesn't want to indulge in the negativity.
Learning that where we put our focus, tends to magnify and intensify such things.
There's so much I could say, I feel sick... Like throwing up.
Temporarily aimless, ambulatory... Desires fading, ugh...
I don't know what haunted you so much, though I just want to send my love.
Wish I could have been a better friend, that being said... No one is perfect and I think we all do our best.
Sorry my best wasn't good enough. I should have known better.
Yet, I don't want to punish myself for what I didn't know.
Heck I don't want to punish anyone anymore, letting go... Floating like a feather.
It's been said that suffering is connected to holding on, and the only constant is change.
Remembering times we spent together...
If we could only learn to let go, maybe there wouldn't be so much pain.
So, I keep a part of you with me forever... And, at the same time I allow you the freedom to be yourself and do whatever you want to do.
Cause, that's true love in my opinion... Having the freedom to be "you".
The harder we hold to a past that no longer exists, the more difficult it becomes to exist in the present moment... And, some say the present is all that truly exists.
I must find my way back to the closeness... You were never my opponent.
It's no one's fault.
This is an insanely rough and difficult world.
I almost checked out too.
Wish I could have helped you.
I want to go back and think of so many things, relive our life... Begin again and again...
Except... It's important to keep moving forward, the way a spiral spins.
Ever and further outwards, reflections persist.
Stepping outside of that duality to realize that I'm just grateful I got to be your friend.
