Scoundrel

I've been a scoundrel lately.
I know this isn't me.
Or is it?
I've been off course
For over a decade
But I've reached a new low
I've become what I loathe
That which I despise
And I have loved every second of it
To utilize a childish sense of disdain

I have a bad habit
Of listening to others
And manifesting their worst
version of me
I know I must stop
But I have found exhilaration
In acting petty
Just like all of them

I've been a piece of shit lately
And I don't seem to care
Alcohol
I've exceeded my fair share
I love to blame it for my misdeeds
It has become my scapegoat

Transparent
There should be a story here
It takes effort to be creative
I am just spilling my guts
And I don't expect them to be cherished

My goal was once emancipation
Now I get off on stagnation

I have developed a complex
I've awoken a beast I thought I had slain

So it's confirmed
When confronting demons
You do indeed become
The beast you battle

I wish there were something
to be proud of
To be positive about
But instead I have laughed
For hours
About nothing of substance
And I loved it

I've been a piece of trash lately

And I don't really want to
see myself this way

If quantum physics is real

I should create a better world

For myself
For others

But I'm not really sure
What I've actually done to help
I only hinder
Any meaningful progress
In my own life

Self-destructive masochism
I love every second of it
And I wouldn't have it any other way

But it has to change
Drastically
If I am ever
To truly even function again

I can't believe
I let myself turn into this

But it's no surprise
To my detractors
To my frienemies

I took so much shit for years
And now the tables have turned
Now I'm dishing it out with a shovel
Shoveling shit

To the ones I love most
Because I simply don't care

I listen closely and become others worst version of me

Which is the only place I found this apathy

I once thought I must only think and act with integrity

Now there is a chasm between me and the person I was

I let people mold me

Into this excrement I wasn't

And my id wants to blame everyone

Especially those closest

I used to only blame myself

But the feral child inside
Has awoken

To devolve can be beautiful
Or ugly or really blurry at best

Is it really a negative thing
To have a self-confession
of misconduct
that I have enjoyed?

Instead of ending it all today?

I've become the creep you labeled me as
And I just don't seem to care anymore
I know there is Love somewhere deep down in my being
But I have shape shifted like Loki
And may never be the same

I feel a lot better
And a little guilty
I turned into one of those people
One of those people with no life
Whom I despise
But the self-loathing isn't
So heavy anymore

Now that I'm not really holding
Myself to any kind of meaningful standard
I would like to think things will get better
But have they really up until this point?

I feel better
Because I have become worse
And absolved myself
Of any sort of standard

I don't want to become
A bum on the street
But I guess no one does
In a state this cold
It's really not a good idea

So what am I really going to do
with my life?
I want to rock
But this isn't a Twisted Sister video

I need to find something more meaningful than nothing
But nothingness is better
Than forcing yourself through a routine you loathe day in day out
Until your solitary confinement is set to autopilot

It's a shame that humans have given away our power
And we have to be degraded to this

Some even kill
For pieces of paper
So I guess I'm not so bad
No I'm terrible
They are the heroes
And I've been a piece of shit lately

I'm not really sure what my life is
Lost in a labyrinth
That I stopped trying to navigate
I know this can't be misconstrued as poetry
There is nothing of substance here

Looking back
I guess I've come a long way
From writing "DIE" on the school bus
With my white out pen

(Going rogue
Ending my friendships
With proxy wars)