There will be certainly room for you on the WiseAss Council within the NEC...
On chubby: I would take him in but he is sitting on his property which is a large acreage kids camp. So he is well fed as you correctly pointed out.
Here is his view...

And I'm on the look out for the necessary parts for the new hippie hot tub...
I will use this Aussie's vid. as a manual: