That was a fun read!

I liked how you kept certain things a mystery. Like:
"She did stumble out of there with us, clumsy like, in her rubber party dress and come fuck me heels. She wouldn't give them up. Wouldn't say why."
Little hints like that, disclosing that there is more to it, without revealing everything - they keep the story alive.

It was your entry that made me decide to give this contest a go as well. So, thanks for a great example! :)