"For verily I say unto you;
till Heaven and Earth both pass;
one gin gimlet shall in no wise pass
through anywhere, but my own lips."
"Nor your lips… nor thine, nor thine."
And upon hearing what the LORD had proclaimed, a great feast of gin gimlets was prepared, and the people were all ready to pour it into the LORD's mouth, but they become flummoxed, and yea, only then did they ask:
"O LORD," did the people ask, "where is thine own mouth?"
And the LORD God spake in a booming voice which was heard all across the land.
And the LORD's booming voice was heard by the lepers who were sick of it all.
And also by the old who were sick of it all.
And also by the idiots who were too dumb to be sick of it all.
"O, MY CHILDREN", the Lord did say:
"My mouth is the very mouth of the river which you defile with your bits;
My mouth is the very foot of the mountain which you trample with your boots;
My mouth is the very crown of the tree which you chop with your ax;
My mouth is the very–
And the LORD noticed that no-one was listening any more.
For they had all imbibed of the gimlet of their own accord.
Therefore had they become rowdy and been naked with one another.
And the LORD said:
"Hey hold on a minute guys, that's my gimlet you're drinking there."
And one of the braver of the people did come forward and speak.
And he did say:
"O LORD, if thou did not want us to drink, thou should not have given us mouths.
And thou should not have made the gimlet green,
nor made it sparkle,
nor go down so smoothly."
And the LORD God did smite Isman, for the fellow who came forward and spoke was named Isman.
But they were ismen of different ilk.
And it appears that the LORD did get the wrong fellow who just happened to have the same name.
And this caused a great embarrassment to Himself.
And Isman was humbled and afraid and he spoke no more.
Then Isman's wife did pester him by saying "that's not on."
And Isman did begrudgingly agree that, while he thought he had been treated poorly, the other Isman had been treated quite poorly indeed.
And the LORD overhead this talking as he was skulking outside the tent of the first Isman, whom He had accidentally not killed.
And He asked Himself how He could make this situation right again in the eyes of Isman who, to be fair, had not been hurt in any way – let alone smitten.
So the LORD God put on a jamboree to appease the people before they got any ideas.
And He instructed Isman to build a large structure of thirty cubits in diameter.
And to use acacia as the supports as it is a dense, durable hardwood with a distinctive scent that pleases Him.
And Isman did say "whoa", for he was taken aback.
And he did expand upon his exposition.
And he did ask the LORD why he should be the one to chop down the wattle tree if the LORD did want it so much, and, hey, Isman has a wife and two concubines to feed.
And then Isman's wife did pester Isman, saying that he wasn't going to feed them anyway.
So he oughtn't use them as an excuse.
And before all this started they were just about to pack up and go to her parents' place.
But right now it's too much to get an Uber, what with the spot pricing and everything.
And the LORD did say "I can drive you if you'd like, for it is only down the street, down past the tabernacle."
And Isman's wife was creeped out because she had not told the LORD where her parents lived before, and Isman also cottoned on to this discrepency quickly enough, and did fly into a jealous rage.
For both Isman and Isman's wife had noticed a suspicious car sitting out the front for the last couple of weeks.
Now they did notice that the LORD God's car in which he offered to give a lift was the same suspicious car with tinted windows.
And Isman did say "hey," and asked the LORD just what his game was, anyway.
And the LORD did stammer and stumble over his words and mumble something about it being a test of his faith.
And that they had in fact passed.
And to be overjoyed.
And Isman's wife did become enraged.
And Isman's wife did pick up the LORD by his own scruff and kick him out of the tent.
Meanwhile did Isman's wife's pants fall down during the scuffle.
And Isman saw Isman's wife's bottom.
And Isman did ask his wife not to leave to her parents' house on account of her bottom.
For it was quite a nice bottom.
But Isman's wife was steadfast and demanded that she ought to be treated a bit better, and respected for more than just her bottom, however nice it was.
So Isman agreed that he would part with one concubine, while keeping the other only for the weekends.
And both Isman and his wife happily lived a thousand years, and they did beget many nations.
And the LORD God did get in his suspicious car and drove off.
For the test had been a success.
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