It has been nearly 11 months since I last wrote to the blockchain. I needed time to gather my thoughts. My wonderful wife, mother of our son, my beautiful muse and best friend, has died. There is no easy way to break this news to the community. I know some of you followed her blog here on Hive. I am heartbroken, as are all the people who knew her. Getting around to sharing this fact is something I couldn't gather the words together to do till now.
Some people can write when the news is new and probably find solace in putting their feelings at that moment into words. This is not me, I needed time to process, and that is what I have taken.
Clodagh was the most wonderful person you could ever meet. Caring, intelligent, talented and funny. She also happened to be the most beautiful girl I have ever known. It is difficult to put into words what she meant to me, the love we shared for each other, without using clichés that would not do justice to the feelings I want to express. She gave me the happiest times I have known, the deepest emotions one could experience, the best support a spouse could give and the caring for her family equal to my own sweet mother. She showed me how strong I could be when needed and held me close when I faltered. She gave me lots of strength through all the hard times we went through and even made me laugh in the face of death. She was way out of my league and I was honoured that she wanted to spend her life with me. Unfortunately, it was a life cut short by that sick monster, Cancer.
Clodagh had been sick for over three years, from when we first discovered that what we thought was an appendicitis was bowel cancer. I won't linger too much on her illness but I will say she gave everything she could to not be a victim of it, in body and spirit. She had told me that she never liked to call it 'fighting cancer', and I can understand why. It is like a certain country which is killing innocent people from the air. There is no fight; it's just a cruel bully. Like a game of cat and mouse, sometimes you outsmart the predator and escape; other times, it toys with you, mauls you, gives you a moment to breathe only to continue its assault. It is a sick, rabid creature with no morals or ethics.
Clodagh gave it her all. She tried every possible medicine and lifestyle change, but in the end, she succumbed to the occupation. She left as a hero and a great example to others. She did not let it define her and lived till the end, stoic and a picture of strength and courage.
She died at 10:35 in the evening. When I finally arrived home, Our son, Fintan was already asleep. The next morning, I told him the news. We cried and hugged, then the first thing he said to me was, "At least she doesn't have to suffer any more" What an amazing son we have. In my sadness, I knew exactly what he meant. We had been through hell on earth and now, at least Clodagh was at peace and the constant worry for her life was over.
Before, all we could do was put one foot in front of the other and cope, but now there was a strange calm. We could do no more for her and there was a stillness.
Clodagh's strength got me through her illness, as did the responsibilities of being a husband and father. I needed to be strong. I had other help aswell. Clodagh's family and my own were great. I also spoke to a counsellor, which is something I thought I would never need or do, but it was great to have a copilot to watch over me. Luckily, one was provided to me by the hospice.
In sickness, Clodagh was amazing. With so much going on with herself, I often got the feeling she was more sickened and worried about me and Fintan and how we would continue on without her. I did everything I could to assure her that we would be OK and that I had a lot of support and friends around me, which I do. And Fintan does.
Knowing how strong Clodagh was and that we did all we could to stop this also helps. I have no regrets. We were strong and madly in love till the end. I am angry, yes. Angry that I am alone without my mate, but angrier still that Fintan has lost his mother. But I know that Clodagh would not like it if we let it define us. I know she wanted us to find life after her death, and that is what we will do.
One thing you must know about Clodagh is that she tried to prepare us for what was to come. Made sure we had the supports in place, and I feel that we went through a lot of our mourning together, as a family, before she left. We talked openly about death and tried to demystify it. It will come to us all in the end, and although it is shit, it is a part of life. Although it was her final journey, we made sure she got there safely with all the support and comfort we could. When it was time, she was ready and faded away with the amazing care of the Hospice staff.
After her final breaths, I noticed something amazing. All of the pain and stress that showed on her face for the last few years left her and she looked like that girl I first noticed across a crowded room. She went back in time to that moment when I first saw her. She was so beautiful. Here is an image of when I first met her to scout a location for a film we were going to make. She looked exactly like this as all the pain left her.
She had a wonderful funeral as people from all her networks came to pay their respects. Our families also gathered around and I could see how much she meant to so many. Her old friends and colleagues. She had become a patient advocate and had helped set up a support groups for others with colon cancer. It was a great group of women who were all sharing their journey and it gave her a mission and they gave her something I never could. I called them the 'Bad Asses' as they lobbied the government to lower the age for testing for colon cancer. It is something that is hitting younger and younger people. Fuck cancer.
Trying to gather myself together so I can continue on with our 10 year old son has been difficult. It will forever be. Being a widower with a young son in my early 50s was not something I thought would be on the cards. But here we are and there is no manager that I can complain to. 10 months on, and we have cried and mourned as we picked ourselves up and got used to this new normal.
So where am I now? Coping quite well, actually, I think!. It has been difficult, but I can honestly say not having the continuous worry of a sick loved one was a weight lifted that got me through the first few months. My soul has taken a beating over the last few years. I lost two brothers, a sister and my mother. Another brother also nearly died and spent a few months in a coma. All the while this was going on, I watched Clodagh's health disintegrate. It has been very hard and my heart was broken, not knowing how to react to the continuous onslaught.
Now, I try to look to the future. I had to put everything on hold these last few years and I would gladly do it again for my wonderful Clodagh. Luckily, I had my Blog here on Hive to give me some sort of escape from the reality I was going through and now it is time for me to continue this journey. I have many projects still to share and stories to tell. I had encouraged Clodagh to also get involved with the Hive community and in the last few months before her death, she seemed to get the same buzz out of it that I do. It helped put her thoughts in order and share her journey with a new group of people both on and off the platform. Her blog ( although short) will be forever etched on the blockchain.
So, I am back, and if you are new to my blog, I am using the hive blockchain to document my work as an artist and maker. To those who know me, Hi again, let's start where we left off. I hope you are all keeping well and remember me.
Fintan and I will forever Miss Mummy and as we continue on with the rest of our lives, we will try to do her proud.
Rest in peace, my love Maria Clodagh Downing 24/3/1973 - 05/12/2024
