Warning: This post will include a lot of vulgar words.
As I serve through some posts and articles online I always find myself getting bored even though 90% of it's me who seeks to check them out. I also lose interest halfway through that I no longer even care about the information that I open the article to find.
Here are my tips about what you shouldn't do when writing an article. Someone send a copy of this to the New York Times.
No one gives a flying fuck about what you're doing while writing this. I opened the article/post because I wanted to read a character analysis of Daenerys Targaryen because I am too dumb to form my own thoughts. I don't know what you're wearing or whether your brother is in the next room blowing the neighbor's dog.
So many articles start this stupid way:
"I am sitting here, eating an avocado toast glazed with honey while wearing my old Nike shoes at 3:18 PM while the garbage truck outside is making a lot of beeping as the driver of the truck is going in reverse. The driver of the truck is wearing a green vest which reminds me of my dad's old green vest that was burnt in the 1992 Los Angeles riots"
All of that is just to give me an opinion piece about whether the new GTA game is worth buying or not.
Newsflash! No one cares about what you're doing while writing, what you're wearing, or what you're eating. We're here for the information in the title, give us that so we could leave in peace.
I know some of these matter because of ad sales but there's seriously nothing more annoying than having to read a 3 thousand words article to just know whether there will be a new season of Succession. They could give you the information right away, but nooooooooooooooooooo! You have to first learn the name of every actor on the show, the philosophy of the show, the writers, and the backstory behind it.
Like, guess what? If I googled "Will there be a new season of Succession?" I am obviously aware of the show and don't need you to tell me every plot of every episode until the end of the last episode. Especially since, you know, I ALREADY FUCKING KNOW THAT! I didn't ask what the show is, I just need a straight-up question, will there or will there not be a new season of Succession?
And if you don't know, don't write all that shit. I don't want to read all of that just to end it with "It is rumored that there will be a new season"
Another thing is a true story: I play Fantasy Premier League which depends on live performances of players of clubs in the Premier League. I have a player on my team called Oleksandr Zinchenko who got injured. I googled his name to see for how long and clicked on an article titled "How Long Will Oleksandr Zinchenko Be Sidelined Due to Injury". Pretty straightforward, right? Wrong! Below is a list of things I learned from the article.
Oleksandr Zinchenko moved to Arsenal this season from Manchester City.
Oleksandr Zinchenko's transfer fee is reported to be £30 million
He was replaced by a Spanish player named Sergio Gómez for a fee of 13 million.
Sergio Gómez started in Barcelona's academy
Pep Guardiola, Manchester City's current manager used to manage Barcelona
Pep Guardiola went to manage Bayern Munich after Barcelona
The name of Pep Guardiola's wife
How Pep Guardiola invested in a local Spanish club
Here's a list of things I didn't learn.
Like, why? Just say you don't know. Just don't write the fucking article! Why did I have to take a detour into the history of the player's past life, his replacement's past life, his previous club's past, and the past of his ex-manager? Do you honestly think I clicked an article titled "How Long Will Oleksandr Zinchenko Be Sidelined Due to Injury" because I couldn't google any of the other stuff?
How many truisms must we suffer just because you can't start an article? Here's a typical start you probably saw to the death
"There's something beautiful/magical/ugly about insert the topic of the post"
Yes, genius author, THERE IS something beautiful about watching films in the theatre. Yes, you amazing wordsmith, THERE IS something ugly about killing someone. What would I have done without those great inputs? What's next? There's something red about ketchup?
So many sentences are used to just meet a word limit that is resulting in the article not being read at all. These days I read articles like I have been awake for 36 hours and now I have to listen to the cashier at the fast food place list all the specials. I just read it while screaming "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!"
For the sake of our time and sanity, and yours as well, please just get to the point. Most of the time I am searching whether the two actors in the porn I watched are actually related, so the less time spent here, the better.
