So, apparently, the universe is “intelligently designed.”
Designed… by who? Some all-powerful divine architect? A cosmic watchmaker? Or was it just a coked-up intern at “God Inc.” messing around with the Create-a-Reality simulator?
I mean, have you seen reality? Have you experienced life? It’s like someone set out to build the most needlessly painful, wildly inefficient system possible and then went,
“Y’know what? Not quite miserable enough—let’s throw in wasps, diarrhea, and country music.”
Let’s start with the human body. Because nothing screams “intelligent design” like putting a pleasure button somewhere most men will never find.
Oh, and let’s talk about the fact that we breathe and eat through the same pipe. Swallow wrong? You don’t get a second chance—your intelligently designed body just straight-up murders itself over a snack.
And then there’s the knees—designed to fail right around the time you actually need them. By 40, they’re barely holding together. By 60, you’re basically a crumpled accordion of regret.
That’s not design. That’s a planned obsolescence scam.
Nature – The ‘Lovely’ Death Trap
But okay, maybe life isn’t about us. Maybe it’s about nature. You know, the beautiful world of singing birds and majestic forests.
Except… nature is a 24/7 torture chamber.
Everything is either being eaten, starving, or on fire.
Half of all species are parasites, the other half are their victims, and no one is having a good time.
Ever seen what a parasitic wasp does? It lays eggs inside a caterpillar, and when the babies hatch, they eat it alive from the inside.
THIS is ‘intelligent design’? A horror movie where your body is an Airbnb for maggots?!
Whoever designed this needs therapy.
The Universe – Less ‘Fine-Tuned,’ More ‘Drunk Engineered’
Ah, but what about the universe? It’s fine-tuned for life, they say.
Sure… if you ignore that 99.9999999% of it is empty, frozen, and actively trying to kill you.
That’s like calling a hotel “perfectly designed for human guests”—except every room is filled with poison gas, lethal radiation, and deadly temperatures… except for the janitor’s closet, where 8 billion people are crammed in, gasping for air.
And that’s before we even get to black holes, gamma-ray bursts, and the fact that everything is just gonna collapse into nothing eventually anyway.
What kind of jackass designs a project doomed to fail?
Final Thought:
Stupid, Evil, or Both?
So what are we left with?
Either the universe was designed by a moron who flunked out of Celestial Engineering School, or we’re living in a sadistic joke where suffering is the punchline.
And if that’s the case… we should at least be able to laugh at it.
Because if this is “intelligent design,” then my drunk uncle duct-taping his car back together is a NASA-certified engineer.
