watching him retract in his own growth is the most disappointing feeling.
i watched him when he had pain in his eyes.
i watched when he let me hold him and play with his hair.
i watched him tell me his heart pains through his words.
i watched him abuse alcohol, i watched him struggle with cocaine.
i watched his world shatter.
but i was there for every moment.
i was there to hold his hand.
i was there to hear him cry.
i was the person he yelled at in anger of his world.
i was the person he took all his madness out on.
and then he didn't want me around anymore.
i watched from a distance because fuck, i still loved him.
but i left because i loved him.
and i needed to love myself again.
it was the hardest decision i had made for my heart only because i didn't want to leave.
the circumstances of this love where going to hurt and disappoint me forever, i could not handle that for more years.
when i left, he agreed. he agreed it was for the best.
but i will never forget the look in his eyes when he let me go.
because deep down, i knew we felt the same way; neither of us wanted to leave but we had to.
we were the best and worst thing for each other.
as much as i want to say he was the toxic one, he was but it was both of us.
we were meant for each other but not forever.
i will always miss his love.
but i will never miss the way i felt.
you were no good for me but i still loved every second of your toxic enchantment.
allison mcnary
