Firstly, I apologize for taking so long to get to replying to this beautifully well written post.

I am deeply moved by each of the words you scripted here.

Not MDMA, LSD, or the like. Those had a reputation as being more violent on account of their synthetic processed nature. Like the way fentanyl is to opium. Or gasoline to crude oil.

I absolutely love the way you have described the volatility of the energies behind these processed materials. Refining a compound puts it into a state where it can release the most potential of its energy base, where substances in their natural state tend to be less eruptive due to the dilution/synergy of the co-occurring substances. But even natural substances which are isolated and refined can be "violent", or volatile, as well. Full spectrum plant extracts are the way to go when looking for a fully-rounded experience with the plant entities.

LSD (lysergic acid dimethylamide, if memory serves)

Lysergic Acid Diethylamide, but you were damn close :)

The obvious choice is psiloscibe mushrooms, so I looked into growing some and was largely convinced against it.

Is the reason you opted against psilocybes due to the decision to not grow them, or was there another reason? Psilocin is much more gentle than LSA, from my experience. But I'm definitely glad that you chose LSA over the scopolamine. As you said, scopolamine is a strong disassociative. Datura can be a powerful medicine, but this one property makes it very difficult to grasp the experience and unravel it upon its completion. Plus, it can be extraordinarily terrifying lol

I had a lot of things I wanted to address if the medicine helped. I'm not usually good at introspection, and I've been slipping in my duties as a man lately. Depression, inattentiveness, laziness, gluttony, hedonism, and addiction had all played on each other for a while in my life and affected my effectiveness as husband, father, and provider for my family.

These are all very heavy energetic weights to be bearing upon your shoulders, especially when you have a family to take care of and be present for. Emotional/psychological blockages are exactly one of the areas these medicines are powerful healers for, so I'm enthralled that you took the dive.

There's a lot of things about our culture that it's easy to see have gone very wrong. The way we eat, sleep, work, travel, and speak are an easy few. I believe some others are the way we recreate, meditate, and pray. For thousands of years, people have looked to nature as a guide to God. His creation shows His handiwork, no?

The Puritan religion strongly influenced the development of our nation and has led to quite a few disturbances in the natural flow of the body/mind/spirit in relation to Nature. Not saying their ways are wrong, just that they aren't right for everyone, nor an entire national foundation.. Alchemists have always taught that the greatest instructor is Nature, for the divine is always perfect. We as a nation have fallen very far away from this idea and are convinced that we are here to control and dominate nature, not learn from her.

I was pondering my own purpose in nature, and I was pondering language.

Language always seems to be something that I dwell upon in my trips. Language is absolutely fascinating..

Three hours into the trip, I was peaking. I texted my friend "is this the part where I lose consciousness? I've been resisting it here and there but I feel like I need to go inward now."

I got chills reading this. I am very familiar with that deep pull on your psyche as it attempts to retract inward and open to an entirely different world of experience.

I was praying in humility and establishing trust in what was about to happen. When I was satisfied in my safety, commitment, and resolve, I went in. There was work to do.

So much power in this. I tend to breakdown into tears as I begin praying and asking for forgiveness from God as I reflect on my being and existence. There is so much release and healing in this simple act, it truly does free the mind to God's will during the experience.

In the mirror, I would look and ask what man I needed to be. What work I needed to do. What parts of me needed pruned and what parts needed tended. With my vision sharp I didn't see imperfections in my skin or body. I saw what should be and what to work towards. Between dives I would visit the mirror to determine the next topic to meditate on.

When we truly see ourselves for who we are, we are then free to open the discussion for what needs to be transformed.

Each issue was a meditation session, and at each turn came the same solution:
your depression is because you've strayed from God's purpose for you.

Losing our way from God's path leads us into exactly what you've described. The medicine's message is very clear and I hope it's brought you peace.

God didn't make Instagram for comparing lives and possessions with others. God didn't make porn to satisfy false desires. God didn't make food to overeat. God didn't make convenience to encourage laziness. My abuse of the excesses in my life was leading me away from a life of grateful abundance. God didn't make excess. He made abundance. And I, as men often do, was abusing the abundance.

I couldn't have said this much better myself. Abundance is in all of God's work, excess is abusing that abundance.

Overall, there is so much that can be said about your experience, but I lack the time to rightly comment. I would love to talk to you one on one some time about these things, and any future experiences you have, but it sounds like the medicine has done the job it was meant to do and the work you set it towards. I am elated to hear that you are seeing the benefits unfold before your eyes with compliments on work and the likes. These allies are absolutely incredible tools when used with the focus and determination you've displayed.

Praise be to God for your life. Praise be to psychedelics for your healing. <3 Blessings unto you, Nate.