Woman enters keke, woman stops after 3 minutes. Woman offers keke driver 1k note. For a 40 naira trip.
Keke driver swears. Woman forms E no consign me and resting bitch face. Keke driver has to go look for change. He is gone 13 minutes.
In the keke, we say nothing, even though our anger is there written on our faces, obvious from our disgusted looks.
Driver comes back with change and starts to hand it to woman. Woman, fine woman, fair skin, done nails, neat hair, big hips, stretches her hand condescendingly to receive the money, a bored expression on her face.
Then Thunder strikes.
Woman's phone rings. Woman must have been expecting the call because she ignores the money for a moment and reaches for the phone. Actually she reaches for a smaller purse in her bag.
I spot a 50 naira note as she takes out her phone. I spot a hundred naira too. I didn't need to be wearing my glasses to see them.
I feel something hot and heavy boiling in my chest. Something violent. After a bad morning of an idiot caller bombarding my line, a cheating taxi driver i wanted to sucker-punch, and a couple of other annoyances, this cunt has decided to offer herself as the sacrificial lamb on the altar of my transferred aggression.
Woman finishes the call and reaches for her change. I reach a hand and block the transaction. Driver looks at me in askance. Woman looks at me in Who is this one? mixed with Uh?
"Open your purse, " I motion.
To the driver I say, "She get change. "
Woman flies into a rage. Woman is talking fast, the kind of talk that's supposed to embarass you into silence. I say nothing. I let her think she has madness like Hymar David. Bitch, you are talking to Hymar David!
Driver doesn't want trouble. Passengers don't want trouble. I ignore them. Driver attempts to give her the change again, I block it.
"Open your purse, " I say it so calmly. If I don't receive the Nobel Peace Prize this year, I might vex.
Woman realizes her madness never do freedom for where I dey, so woman abandons the fierce lady tone and suddenly transforms into a victim of patriarchy and domestic violence. It is so shocking, I almost start begging myself to mbok free her nau. The driver and passengers even snap at me like I am the reason for global warming.
But because I am a strong christian guy who walks by faith not by sight, I am not moved by the things of the world, I stand my ground.
Passenger in front of me, the one hanging by the door, gets tired and snatches the purse. He unzips it the way a man unzips the trouser of a girl he spent 5 months chasing. He unzips it to show me, See, you are just being paranoid, nothing dey dia.
Everyone shock.
50 naira. 100 naira. 50 naira. 50 naira again. 50 naira one more time.
The wickedness was too much the driver looks like he wants to burst into tears. He struggles for composure as he shakes his head, checks his pocket for a 1000 naira note to hand her. The anger the rest of the passengers have been keeping in explode suddenly in a burst of abuses and point fingered insults. I move away so their spit won't touch me.
Woman metamorphoses into a defiant demon. She returns abuse for abuse. Yab for yab. Grammar for grammar. Somebody give her a Nollywood role pliz. X-Men: Mystique. Part 1, 2, 3 4,5 and 6.
I keep quiet. Purse snatcher takes a 50 from her purse and gives it to driver. Driver reaches to offer the woman back the offending 1k, I reach out and swat his hand away.
"It's your money, " I say. "Don't give it to her. You have earned it for your troubles. In fact, she should pay everyone here 50 naira each. "
Driver and everyone stops and stare at me. Woman is looking like she can't believe what she just heard. I am in a zone. The zone where all my self consciousness flies out the window. Where I don't give a shit who stares when they hear the accent. Anger puts me in the zone 95 % of the time.
Driver tries to give her the 1k again. This time, I snatch it out of his hand. "If you don't want it, I will take it. You think damages for emotional trauma cheap? "
I am conscious of them staring. They are trying to place where I am from with the accent and all. But wetin consign me? It is about 18 minutes now.
Passengers borrow sense and start urging the driver to go, they have places to go. The fight is not their fight anymore.
Woman makes a grab for the money, I move my hand away and she catches air. She hits my chest. She's all furious now, the polished/well groomed lady mask has come off.
She reaches for It again and slap my arm when she can't reach the money. I get out of the keke and stand in her face. I reach a hand and adjust my hat so tge edge is backwards. 馃幎 Gangsta! Gangsta! Gangsta! Gangsta! That's what you dealing with. That's what you dealing with. 馃幎
"Touch me one more time and you will never be able to use that hand again. " I tell her. "And that's not a threat, it is a promise. "
Woman just stares. I get back in the keke and driver starts driving. Nobody says anything else, but I am conscious of them sneaking glances through corner eyes and side mirrors.
I get to my stop, pay my fare, then start to walk away. I suddenly remember and walk back to the driver and give him the 1k note.
He looks like he wants to thank me but doesn't know how to say it in the perfect English he heard me speak earlier. I smile and walk away. I am almost home.
