March 8, 2014 should have been just another flight for the passengers and crew of Malaysian Airlines flight 370. The pilot showed up bleary-eyed after spending his entire layover partying in the airport pilot’s lounge. The flight attendants arrived equally worn out, having staved off their own layover boredom by playing an adult version of musical chairs, something they called ‘musical doors’, at the airport hotel. The passengers filed in annoyed, irritated, and generally peeved by airport security.
They were a grumpy lot, and everyone knew it.
As the plane taxied down the runway, the first of the two babies-on-board began to shriek. By the time take-off was underway, the other baby had added its voice to the hellish duet. When the airplane finally reached cruising altitude, the captain ordered the flight attendants to pass out super-potent cough syrup to the babies’ parents and to slip some into free fruit juice which was to be handed out to the passengers. Once that was done, captain and crew settled in for a bit of a nap.
Meanwhile, at the secret UFO base in Antarctica, the Wookie with the exceptionally big feet was preparing his own craft for take-off. For the thousandth time since arriving at the base on this stupid planet, he cursed his lazy-assed co-pilot Han for always making light of his shoe-size. Now, no matter what base they landed in, he was now always joking referred to as ‘Big Foot’. Even here, on their first stop in the middle of nowhere, he’d caught the natives shooting furtive glances his way while mumbling that hated nick-name! He was incensed! If Han hadn’t drunk himself silly the night before, and ended up being beaten to a pulp by a little dark-haired man with a strange moustache and his entourage after mouthing off about their funny uniforms, he’d have pounded his co-pilot into the ice himself! What a damned pain-in-the-ass! Trouble swarmed around him like flies around excrement!
Well, at least the lush was now out cold, sleeping off both his beating and his hang-over in the co-pilot’s seat. So long as he remained that way, it would be pleasant flight out of the planet’s atmosphere, the Wookie reasoned.
As luck would have it, Han came to just as the Wookie with the big feet was bringing the ship through the jump into hyperspace.
“Oh, God. I think I’m going to puke,” he moaned, pitching forward in his set.
“NO!” the Wookie shouted, “Not on the control panel!”
But, alas, it was too late. A retching sound filled the cockpit, followed by a string of curses.
“You asshole!” the Wookie shouted. “You expect me to touch the controls after you puked all over them? You fucking fly the ship now!”
“Sure, fine. Just don’t shout. My head feels like it’s going to explode,” Han mumbled as he reached for the puke-covered controls, and began pushing and pulling various buttons, switches, and levers.
“No, you idiot! We’re going IN to hyperspace, not OUT of it!” the Wookie commented in frustration, “You’re flying us the wrong way! Oh-oh… . I think we’re in trouble.”
They were back in the planet’s atmosphere, and a bloody big airplane was flying right at them!
“I got it, I got it!” Han muttered, flipping more switches and punching more buttons. “I got it… . Oops, maybe I don’t… .”
Back on MH flight 370, the pilot and crew were just waking up from their naps when something large and roundish popped into sight right outside the airplane’s cockpit window.
“Is that a…?” the pilot asked, his jaw practically hitting the floor.
“Who cares what the fuck it is! Turn the damned plane!” his co-pilot shouted in horror.
Acting as quickly as their still sleep-numbed senses allowed them, the pilot and co-pilot altered course to avoid a collision with the UFO that had popped up directly in front of them. Sadly, the UFO altered course in exactly the same direction, at precisely the same moment.
And that, people, is what happened to MH flight 370 on that fateful day in 2014. It is also the true story of how the Millennium Falcon wracked up one of the biggest damage claims the insurance company ever saw.
