Here in Africa no one understands depression is a medical condition... When you say I don't feel well or look pale they just wanna hear I have headache, malaria, typhoid etc... People suffering from depression won't really say it because most don't even understand what is wrong with them and the few who knows feels awkward like they will never be understood. It's pertinent I give this information because the rate of depressed people are getting alarming, most who are ignorant of the aliment primarily on the fact that it can't be shown through a lab test... Personally I did suffer from this aliment but I never understood what I felt and why I felt like that, having few distractions always gave me a clone feeling like I was better but each time I'm sober from the side attentions I go back to square one, the feeling of being alone, confused, hate, rejection, bitterness, stranded, avoided, a failure, awkward etc all these traumatized me, I became these feelings, felt less, empty most a times, I felt like I was just occupying space, I didn't want pity because I felt the whole world was looking at me with the same eyes as I saw my self... Then the journey of self medication started, this was a psychological disparity of my neurological assertion of me, I felt like I should redeem myself, I let lose a little, started to step out more and less time alone.. I felt if I was too busy for myself, I would not be sober for my condition to surface... Everyone would say she was a snub but I actually was like am I worthy to exist, to be human, to me everyone deserved a chance but me... I felt like I wasn't truly loved, yes I guessed my beauty drew them closer, so I wanted more even if it was fake... The makeup game began under the shackles of depression I lost my confidence in my identity what Nigerians will call "my real face", then I couldn't step out without makeup on, my family noticed they were concerned, I was too young for the habit, I couldn't explain the relief I got from doing so, I never bothered to explain, as I grew older I battled daily what people would call low self esteem but mine was one than that, I was always alert and any little trigger on my insecurities will take my back to the solitude, I hated my body, my body type was different from the rest, the big boobs and ass was my greatest enemy, just wanted to be like the other girls, I would refuse to go to events because people always stared at me, I felt it was because I was terribly different from my peers, until my third year in the University I stumbled on a documentary online on YouTube, as usual I was surfing the net for makeup tutorials, I found a life changing 16minutes video, it spoke to me like it knew me , first I cried but after I watched it the fifth time in a row, my confidence grew, I saved the video, I watched that video almost the number of time I breathe, I watched various documentaries of depression untill i found myself then i knew i was made special.
