I wish I knew no one, i wish memories fade like the light dissolves in my soul..
My uncontrollable desires to trap myself in the cold condemned and isolated cells of faraway parts of the night skies. Separated by my own actions, I find myself alone feeling emotions veiled by anxiety and fear.. Suppressed feelings of mine come to the surface wishing to be helped... the path lay in your way, covered with rose petals and comfort, but being unable to walk anymore, i freeze.
The inability to move halts everything. Each day progressively becomes more agonizing than the last. My will to walk has finally ended, and the defense I once had has been brought down by the constant reminders of my failure. Mirrors surround me like an attacking army. As I am forced to stare into my own desolate and lifeless eyes, my focus diminishes. A slight breath, stained with the stench of pain and anguish which crawls in the interior flesh of my lips.
My happiness has become a distant sentiment. A mere memory of what once was. I look at childhood memories inside my mind and recollect on who I used to be. That bright exuberant smile portrayed in one family portray brings forth a realization of pain. Hate lurks beneath the words I speak. Anger arises in the gestures I create. A sudden dislike for things I once enjoyed becomes so apparent. A fondness i once believed to be unbreakable has now been shattered by the person I've created. I regard myself as worthless, and often question my own decisions. Clarity is wished for. Simple tasks become confusing, and as my mind wanders into previous untamed tangents, the darkness soon follows.
As the darkness grows more sombre, my personality becomes engulfed into the depression. I plead to take hold of the happiness i once had, but it’s too late.I start to neglect those who loved me the most. The thoughtless words I jab at you break you piece by piece. Only my tears know how i never mean them. If you still dare to dissect my dark disgusting heart. You’ll only see how much my heart fights to not let the anguished part contaminate the part you stay. Held together by a fragile string, those final selfish acts of carelessness are enough to pull it apart. Divided I stand, lonely I exist.
Sober days pass, and alcoholic pleasures take their place. I start being to question the meaning of my existence. Why were I put here? To slowly destroy myself in some sort of pathetic excuse to cope with the fucking unfair world I have spiraled into? I've had enough, I am exhausted and out of breath...
I lie lifeless on the floor of a house I have not ever visited. The cold rain splashes against the thin glass. It’s the only sound I can hear-tap, tap, tap. The peacefulness drives me insane. Hours pass before i manage to bring forth the strength to pick myself off the ground. I gaze outside and through the fog I notice a gentle glisten of light. And see the same road of rose petals surrounded by aromatic gardens of exotic flower leading to you, my love. A light shines so pure in its existence I cannot help but continue to stare into the void. As the fog fades the brightness begins to penetrate its way inside my room. A room seldom reflected by light soon begins to reveal something. On the floor lies a fragment of a shattered mirror. A beam of light slithers across its smooth surface illuminating the room further. Walking slowly toward the mirror I place it in your palm. As my eyes connect with their own reflection through a jagged shard, I smile. A smile as pure as the light outside guides me to finally leave that room and experience life.
“No No No” I scream, I smother myself but I try to scream so hard that the universe would perceive a taste of pain as the light slowly gets devoured by me, unwillingly. Sitting in the dark again, I slowly....... slowly wish for death or maybe one last touch, one last breath brimming with bohemian smell of your fragrance. Sitting in the dark I am crying and stabbing my hand with that very piece of glass, while contemplating the idea how you might have felt watching my swan song.
“Stay strong my love i am right here. Don’t abandon me, please” the familiar sound of your voice ever so soothing, ever so gentle resonates in that dark filthy room. Being unable to see you on the murky room.. i desperately scream you to go away, the walls are caving in it might take you down with me. I could not finish my words, I felt those soft warm arms wrapping the ever forlorn and cold me, in a way no one did..
