Well that made me LOL for real! No, I'm not.

Many people have learnt how to navigate SE from scratch, so don't worry.

Just go to steem-engine.com, if you have Keychain you can use that, if not use your steemit login username and private posting key. That will get you in. Have a look around - you probably have a number of airdropped tokens already.

One thing to remember is that any financial transaction will require your private active key, just like steemit wallet. If you get transaction errors, it's usually just forgetting to switch keys.

Any questions, just ask.