I was five when it happened. When my mother was killed right in front of me in a car accident. The man that hit us hadn’t even stopped to make sure everyone was okay. I haven’t talked since that day twelve years ago, haven’t really seen any point to. I see how badly people want me to speak, how much they want to fix me, but that’s the thing. I’m not broken. Not physically, I only got a small concussion in the accident. Still people are constantly asking if I’m okay and saying they wish I’d just say one word to them. It’s not cause they care about me, no, not at all. It’s cause they feel like they have to. They feel like they need to fix me somehow but they can’t, not really. Nobody just gets “fixed” after something like that.
I never really cried after the accident, didn’t really feel anything at all. I’m not sure why, I guess I was just sort of… numb, if that makes sense. Of course it hurt, of course I ached and grieved and wanted to scream until I couldn’t make any sound anymore, but I knew it wouldn’t help to throw a fit so I didn’t. I just stayed silent. I didn’t cry but that doesn’t mean I was happy. I wasn’t just a five year old anymore, I never smiled, I never laughed, I never even chuckled. I knew something was probably wrong with me but I didn't care. The doctors tried to medicate me, yet another group of people trying to “fix” me.
So, I stayed silent for the next twelve years or so. That’s when it happened. No… that’s when she happened. That’s when she came tumbling into my life like a beautiful shooting star or something. My dad had started me back at school after so long of homeschooling. He wanted me to make friends and be a “normal” kid. Who would ever want to be normal?
So to school I went. That’s when I met her. Anarose. She had been going down the stairs and not been paying attention and she ran right into me. We had instantly become close friends and I pretty much instantly fell in love. She talked a lot but never asked if I was okay or why I didn’t talk like most people did. She was perfect. We have lunch together every day, even though I never eat much anymore. I don’t really have an appetite, haven’t since that one night, but I eat enough to keep healthy. I could tell it bothered her, but she never asked. Never said a word about it.
It wasn’t long before I realized something had started to change in me. That she had started to change something in me. I had started to feel again and I found that maybe it wasn’t quite as bad as I remembered it to be.
The first time I had smiled, I’m not even really sure why it happened, it just sort of… did. It had been at some cheesy joke that she had said at lunch. She looked kind of shocked and I suppose I kind of was too. Thankfully she didn’t say anything about it and just kept on talking. Slowly it had gotten easier and easier to smile when I was with her. I still couldn’t seem to smile without her for some reason.
The first time I had smiled in front of my father it had been when Anarose was over for dinner and she had told another cheesy joke, and I had smiled. My poor father looked like he might have had a heart attack. But Anarose just kept on talking and after a couple minutes my dad joined into the conversation and slowly things went back to normal and got less awkward.
Later after dinner I had walked Anarose out to her car and I went to open her door for her as usual, and I swear I have no idea what came over me but I just suddenly leaned forward and I kissed her. When she didn’t kiss me back after a moment, I slowly pulled back, fiddling with the edge of my sleeve and feeling like a downright idiot. I had thought I had messed up everything, that I had lost her all together. It seemed like both an eternity and a millisecond later when I felt her pulling me back and kissing me with so much emotion I felt like crying for the first time in almost thirteen years.
When we finally pulled away to breath I smiled wide. Wider than I ever have and she slowly smiled back. I reluctantly held her door open for her, not wanting her to leave, then leaned down to kiss her once more through the open window. I felt like my stomach was doing complicated gymnastics and I couldn’t stop smiling. It had been a long time since I couldn’t stop a smile. When I had gone back inside smiling my dad had looked so pleased.
The next day at school I couldn’t wait to see her, practically running inside to see her. I still couldn’t stop smiling. It didn’t help that every time she saw me smiling she would smile that beautiful smile of hers right back at me. Later that day she had even made me laugh. Like… an actual laugh. I had been shocked for a moment but then Anarose had started laughing with me and, well… who could not laugh right along with her?
I felt like I was getting better. Actually better, not just the kind of “better” I have been. Like she’s the cure to a disease I’ve had all my life. I feel like we’re kind of curing each other. We’re both the antidote to each others sickness.
We had both smiled all day long, unable to stop, and not wanting to. When I had gone home, still grinning, my father had hugged me and told me he was glad I found someone to make me happy. I had even stayed happy through doing my homework that night. But everything had come crashing down later that night.
I had glanced out the window on my way to bed and say Anarose’s car, frowning when I looked closer and say her staring blankly into the distance with a bruise on her face. Next thing I knew I was kneeling in the driveway next to her car and slowly coaxing her out of the car and into the house. I didn’t know what had happened and I didn’t ask. I knew I wouldn’t want to be asked if I were her. So I just made her tea and layed down with her until she had inevitably spilled everything about her father and how this happened often.
It was silent for quite awhile after that. Not an uncomfortable silence, but a familiar one. One I know well. I’m not sure what compels me to do it, what compels me to speak, but before I even have time to think about it, I’m whispering “I love you, Anarose…” and she’s whispering it back.
Here is a link to the first part
