Just today, I had a mental breakdown. I felt the red light from all of my actions. Most times, when I get things done, I always feel down and regretful of those actions. They are the right thing for me to do, but I don't see myself in the right sense of doing those things.
Down to making up this post, I should have done this hours before now, but I just felt imbalanced to have my head think straight as to what to do next.
I came to a halt, it was like the world paused on my end. I decided to let the worst happen. I chose not to care, even after all, things will go on fine in my absence.
There was a heavy wind that took off all of the covering I used on my ponds. And then all the water and fries in the pond got so dirty with sand, dust, and dirt.
I was about to start putting things back in place, then I realized that I am just wasting my efforts, only if I should just let go of it, rest my brain, and think about a way forward to what's giving me a hard time living on.
There are some burdens I have engaged in, maybe that's what's making me feel so heavy every time I get things done. I have to figure it out. Only if it were to be some physical things, then it would have been a fair game where I could just shuffle and gamble on what the problem is. But now I have to deal with a lot of things unseen and scattered in my mental being.
Is it about my personal life? Financial sustainability? Workplace? Families?? Friendship? Where exactly is the heavy burden coming from?
I picked the very closest one, which was my workplace. I felt it was so heavy on me, I have been engaging myself so much recently. Maybe I should call it an overdo! I have gone way beyond what my capabilities could hold.
I have always had this financial backup, a fund set aside for emergencies in case I encounter things that go beyond my present situation at work. I will battle it silently with those funds, then refund them when I strike a balance.
I have been used to this system. But a few weeks ago. I exhausted all of those backups. So I can say I am left empty all alone.
That was the first burden, but it's not something I can fight; the real burden was the preparation I am trying to make for another breeding. I don't have what it takes to handle them in the long run. I had all my hopes of the imaginary future ahead of me, hoping that I would strike a balance no matter what.
This evening, after I relaxed, got back to settle all of those things, the wind scattered, put things in place, calculated my loss, then I went to discard the preparation I had for the breeding. I think that was something that has been a burden on me.
With immediate effect, after taking it off my mind that any breeding is till further notice, I got my head free. I felt the ease from stress, I realized I was set free from the chains of burden and unsettlement. I hope I still get to free myself more and maintain a balance with my mental state.
All images are mine
