Under Ice

Love is a difficult thing for me I do not do well with the vulnerability of it, plus my more liberal views on love and the fact that I am pansexual often complicate things. There was once a person who I loved, and I love to this day; but some of our core values did not line up and if history has taught anything it is that that is a recipe for disaster. So while for a while destiny kept on throwing us together and we both gravitated to each other emotionally time and time again I left it unspoken. We kissed deeply and often but never was there anything beyond that and a million midnight hourlong conversations. I Miss him from time to time. He is also no longer the man he was as he slipped further into the darkness of his path that separated us, and yet he is the only person I ever loved like this with consistency. We are no longer in contact. About ten years ago we both just let go and drifted far from each other like sinking bodies in a frozen lake. Tonight, and actually a few times lately I think of him. Here a poem I wrote about this thing that was us. I share it tonight. I once turned it into a song which I need to rerecord someday but here the written version.

Under Ice

I walked the surface of my dreams and on its shore she laid quite still the girl that should have been. Rendered smooth by tides within, in hourglass of might have beens and things remained unseen.

In fields filled with the ghosts of bloom you turned and smiled at me and there my heart it spread its wings in wind brought from the sea. Between the beats a million lives, a billion could have beens. A sweet caress, a tender word became my blue eyes gleam.

Like rain forgotten memories to broken soil they fell. For one delicious moment I was caught within the spell. Under surface cracked and torn a seedling searched the light,
but bitter cold reality came calling in the night.

I close the gates and lock the doors, the ache I’ll never show. I sang the voices back to sleep as love froze in the snow.