It's a thing. A real thing. It's not just awkward, or lame, or weird, or just generally awful. It's uncomfortable. I don't know when it started, I think it's always been there. But it's like I'm always restless. It sucks.
The first time I realised I was with my best friend. We were just at a random park doing nothing. And I looked around and I see all the grass, a few kids, people, everything looked nice. But I felt extremely uncomfortable. I said it out loud. She is cool and understands, but doesn't feel the same.
It's like you're from a different planet and you're suddenly put in a situation where you don't understand anything. Nothing makes sense. Colors have no sense, or shapes. You understand words but you don't know just how. You don't know what to say because nothing seems relevant enough to kill the silence.
When I was a kid I used to have tiny seconds of it, but worse. It happened a lot when I was looking at a window in a car. I would look out, all those cars, those humans, those things inside those other things moving "fast". What is that? Why am I here? Where is this here?
And as I grew it just became more frequent. Until it became just my general life.
I'm walking down the road and I look down to my feet and I just don't understand. Anything. I look at my hands... They're the weirdest things ever. What is this ship I'm driving? This meat suit. This ship I control from my head, where most of my senses are... Everything is here, in my head. My control room.
Sometimes I don't recognise my hands, they're just weird limbs there that I can control somehow.
It's always there. If I'm with people, I talk to them, I interact, I pretend. But I'm always just soooo uncomfortable. I'm in a weird place with weird creatures. And I don't even know what normal is. Everything is just the same, I don't know anything else.
I am kind of used to it. There's like 3 people in the world I feel kind of okay with. Because I can say all of this out loud without them judging too hard. Or at least I just come out as funny.
But I've grown to almost accept it. The fact that I'm trapped in the meat-suit. With all its glitches and malfunctions and mistakes, and weird functioning overall. These hormones. The fact that I have "a mind". The voices. The repetitive speech. The fact that I can't never turn it off. Not even in my sleep. Because sleeping is another weird thing. Probably less weird, but still, weird.
What's this? Even if I have answers they're not good enough.
The real question is not "what".
Why this?
Why existence? Just... Why?
Give me all the spiritual bullshit you want. I get it. I know it. I feel it. But still...
Why?