Since my last entry, I decided to step away from posting and get really stuck into work and various projects that have all been on the go simultaneously. My focus can become rather narrowed when I set my mind to something and I had given myself the deadline of 1st June to launch two of my websites as well as sending out a promo mock up to a potential client.
It may not seem like a lot to some, but it was quite monumental when it was coupled with transferring two websites to new hosting manually (one belonging to a client, the other one mine) and making sure I didn't lose any of the info along the way. I'm jotting down my thoughts and in between I'm going to intersperse photos of what the garden is looking like through the last 3 months since we moved in here as this is another aspect of improvement that we've been working on.
The back lawn when we moved in in March
The back lawn now, 3 months later
Well it's now the 3rd June and you know what? I managed to do it all by the deadline.
While I felt a very brief surge of pride in myself on the morning of 1st, I then realized that I was also questioning myself and doubting myself. Are these business ventures going to be worth the financial and time effort that I've put into them? Are they going to bring in any returns. Then it started sliding from there so I had to actually stop and pause.
Front bed in March
Front bed in May
I seem to do this with almost any project I take on these days. Perhaps it is partly because the last business I started my "mother" referred to as bullshit when it started becoming successful.
It wasn't always like this but a few years ago I took on a mammoth project (and I admit to myself now that I was probably delusional at the time). Needless to say that there were a LOT of toxic elements surrounding that project which just became unbearable. I totally abandoned the project for excellent reasons. Even my psychiatrist agreed on this and said that it wasn't just the best option, it had actually become the only option.
Veggie patch to be - March
Veggie Patch May
When I think about it now, I can see that it severely increased the inner critic within me and I find that I never really know if what I have accomplished is worthy. It's apparently a projection of believing that for a long time about myself, so I was constantly trying to do better, which never really works because you end up feeling that you're never actually reaching the expectations. Who's expectations though?
The benchmark was never really my own and it's been a recurring issue - I strive for perfection but perfection never seems attainable. I think that it's also an indoctrination of society and I've written about that before on a different forum. That you're only ever "good enough" to be classified as part of society if you are "contributing". Where are these guidelines for what this actually means? Oh the standard that comes to mind is a flashy house and shiny car? A certain income bracket? Showing that you payed your taxes?
What happened to the good old fashioned ideas of being a good person? Having values? Not being a shady a-hole that sells drugs to kids (or adults for that matter)?
The worst part for me is that in this country, the majority of people that make a lot of money are doing it through illegal means whether that's from corrupt government tender deals, selling state secrets, selling black market goods, creating laws that are just absolutely ridiculous that only benefit the select few etc etc. The ex president has a good couple of HUNDRED charges against him - no I'm not joking! He was officially charged with 18 charges of corruption and over 700 YES SEVEN HUNDRED charges of fraud and money laundering in March 2018. He was also previously charged with rape - go look up the absolute circus that was!
The front garden bed March
Front Garden bed by May
We now have the Zondo commission having hearings of various other politicians that were also involved. The most vexing thing about these "commissions" is that they very seldom actually have any teeth and often don't lead to prosecutions that stick or in any form of real punishment. To be honest, the damage done not only to the country financially on a national level through this whole time period, but also the damage to South Africa as a whole in terms of international investment has been devastating.
Our Peas are growing up their trellis.
With the pandemic lockdown hit in March 2020, the tourism sector and anything linked to it has pretty much collapsed. No international flights, no international tourists - no international revenue.
The so-called middle class has pretty much been decimated through this pandemic, people have used up their savings to survive, people's pensions are being expropriated by the government and you know what? I'm still a good person. I'm still not a shady a-hole. I still pay taxes because VAT is included in absolutely everything you purchase whether you like it or not.
It's a very interesting time we are living in at the moment and on a personal level I'm starting to really question the whole narrative of "society" - do you honestly want to be a contributing member of society if the mere fabric - the foundational values and ethics that it should be built on have decayed and eroded?
All the dead yucca leaves that we pulled off. I don't think this has ever been done here.
Perhaps my faith in society and humanity will be somewhat restored if we actually see some real justice in the upcoming months. I'm very skeptical to be honest.
Anyway that was a massive digression, but if I'm supposed to be a part of the bigger picture even in a small way, isn't it also worth looking at the bigger picture sometimes?
I made some plaited bread.
And then did the first French plait in Lory's hair.
When I called out corruption in my time of local government employment I was harassed, threatened, rebuked and targeted. I held the moral standing and stood by my convictions. I gave up the nice house, car and paycheck because I was not going to be a silent partner in disenfranchising people that really could have done with AND DESERVED the "perks" that the higher echelons were using to financially benefit themselves. I didn't keep my mouth shut and I stood up for the underdogs at great personal cost.
Striking sunsets are still a regular breath of fresh air here in Oudtshoorn
A few days ago I was going through my phone of old messages and the last message that a "friend" of mine sent was "How are you? Have you managed to find work yet? " I did reply to this message stating that I am done with corporate employment, but last night while lying in bed I felt a surge of deep rage well up inside me after it dawned on me that two other acquaintances that I met through previous work ventures had asked me something similar. And I find it so crazy that this is all that people focus on. They don't care to ask if I have actually started healing from trauma. They don't care to ask if I am happier now that I'm not in the city and that I removed myself and my family from a really toxic (and possibly deadly) environment. They don't actually care.
So why did it evoke anger in me then if that's actually all they care to ask? It made me angry because it shows the depravity of what friendship has devolved to. I have over 200 contacts on my original Facebook page. A page that I haven't posted on in months. Literally months. Only one person excluding family knows that we no longer live in Cape Town, because she and I actually had a decent discussion a little while ago on messenger and then on whatsapp.
This also then leads me to realize just how few people I can even consider calling friends. They only care to know if I am corporately employed? Hmmm that's the kind of thing a work colleague or acquaintance asks. It's like the level above asking how's the weather. Perhaps the term fair-weather friends is appropriate here.
And perhaps that is why I haven't even bothered telling anyone about the new websites I've just launched or the new business that I've registered. Or the fact that we got a puppy. Or the fact that I'm managing my depression a lot better (it helps to remove toxic people and unsafe conditions from the equation) - would they even care? Probably not.
Of course I also cannot rule out that the toxic people that I cut out of my life (with the help of a lawyer due to their abusive and unstable behaviour) are so vindictive that they have actually probably contacted the old friends of mine that they knew of and they have probably used all manner of libel to paint a completely different picture. And you know what? I'm okay with that. If my "friends" want to take the word of those toxic people, then good luck to them.
Starbeam really loves his stuffed Tiger toy
I'm learning more and more each day to forgive myself for putting up with that emotional abuse for as long as I did. I'm trying each day to believe that one day the efforts that I have put in since that took place (January 2020) will be recognized and acknowledged. I'm learning to value myself for the good that I have within me. I'm learning that you can start your own life at 38y/o
The funniest part is that I've never ever asked any of my friends to borrow money or for favours, I truly just enjoyed the company of a very few people that could tolerate me, my weird personality, my general pessimistic attitude towards life, the fact that I really don't trust the government, that I'm a bit of a conspiracy theory believer because I believe that the truth is often 180 degrees in the other direction of what is portrayed in the media, the fact that I am extremely distrustful and I can be a real pain in the ass.
I'm always the one asking these friends how they are, it's never a case of them checking in on me, so why am I putting in effort when they really only seem to care about my corporate employment status. None of them know that I write articles on here or that I post pictures on other platforms. Most of them are anti crypto and believe it to be a scam. They have no inkling of what the blockchain could do to revolutionize the way the world works, that it could actually make things a lot more transparent. Perhaps I have changed too much in the last two years to fit in with them anymore, perhaps I have outgrown them.
So these were my musings over the last couple of days.