"You should've said a word, we could've helped you!"
The problem with our friends and family is that they don't think we could hurt badly enough for us to take away our own lives. Who would imagine such a grim thought anyway? We've always been taught that everything life throws at us, we're bound to surpass them; we're stronger than we think. But what if we are not? What if life continuously stretches us to the point of breaking? Will we be punished for choosing to surrender?
When my friend hung himself in their home's comfort room, I could only think of how lonely he could've felt in his last moments. All these years, I wondered what JI felt, what kind of thoughts filled his mind moments before he took his own life, and what could've gone so wrong that it was the only way out he thought of. I didn't judge JI for his decision, but I always wondered.
Last night, when I went from tired to exhausted, from believing that "Life's worth living" to "Life's ruthless!" The moment I couldn't feel my hands, a sign that a panic attack was kicking in, I asked myself "How did I get here?" I had spent a relaxing Saturday at home and perfect plans laid out for today, Sunday. "Why are you here again, Pat?" At times like this, I despise myself for not being strong enough to get my shit together. A relapse as they call it. I've been doing so well for so long without seeking medical attention but here I am again.
"You're weak, Pat! You are!" whispered a voice in my head.
I used to believe that people choose to die, but last night, I knew I didn't choose to die. I was sick; I've been sick for a long time only to find out a pat on the back and some random "You'll be okay!" wouldn't convince me to live just for another day. I couldn't think clearly. All I could remember was my pain, hatred, and disappointment. All thoughts from the past struggles I had to face kept repeating like a broken record. I tried picturing how the world would look like without me in it and it turned out, I don't matter. People will grieve and sooner, they'll move on with their own lives.
It was dark; all the lights shut off. I wanted to burst into a loud cry but that would wake up my parents, so I allowed my tears to flow freely like unstoppable waves in silence. In minutes, I drenched my pillows and blankets but who cares? Each time I drew a line deeper one after the other, I felt relieved. I wanted people to know I was hurting and I was hurting so bad it didn't make sense to live.
What I realized from last night's breakdown is that no matter how the people around us say "We get what you're feeling!" Truth be told, they will never understand how dark and lonely it can get when you face your demons. They cheer you up but that's it. I'm sorry JI I didn't get you back then but now I know how lonely you were that moment. I wished I could've hugged you tight.
I don't know where to begin again. For now, I will live one day at a time and try to find things I should live for
.