Whilst talking to a friend who was asking after my stroke and how it affects me, a horrible thought came to mind.
This is all you will ever know of me.
It is not that this "me" is all terrible, but compared to "before me" it is quite a different personality, with quite different skills strengths and weaknesses. You were too young to know the other me and now that your memory is going to start kicking in for the future to look back on, this is all you will remember. I have to live with it.
But this is your reality too.
There is nothing I can do about it and I am not making excuses for all the mistakes I have made, but I do want you to know, that this version of me, is not the only version that has ever existed. Yes, we are constantly changing, but usually this happens gradually and is tempered through averaging experience. But having a stroke as I did, is like waking up without legs and not knowing why or how, it is life changing and challenging and, what is lost impacts almost every level of everyday life.
Was I better before?
You may ask this and unfortunately I don't know for sure, but I feel that I was. I feel that I was more balanced and definitely I was more connected to the world. Now, I live life at a distance, even from myself and of course, that affects all my relationships, including the one I have with you.
Many people think changing thoughts and attitudes are easy, but in some cases, it is like telling that person who lost their legs, to just grow more. Some things are just physically impossible to do and at least thus far, parts of my brain are locked off to me and most likely, they will never be there again.
For you, it is going to be an interesting experiment of nature versus nurture, because the nurture on your father's side is going to be mentally retarded in some way, so please don't learn your mental processes and patterns from me - I am not a good rolemodel in this anymore. If I ever was.
But, none if this is something you should have to deal with, so I am hoping to limit your exposure to the worst of it, so you can have a normal childhood, unaffected by my limitations. But know, it isn't easy, as every thought I have is no longer automatic, it has to be manually instigated, which is incredibly tiring in ways that I never expected to be tired. Thinking never hurt before, but now it does and in order to keep doing what I have to do, I have to force myself to endure the pain, irrespective of my desire to stop and give up.
My motivation for this life is low and the enjoyment I get out of what I do is very limited. Not much gets me enthusiastic anymore and there is not much for me to look forward to. Pretty much everything I do now is to try to ensure that you and your mother are taken care of, that you will be alright2, no matter what state I am in. I don't take pleasure from this path, but I can say that there is contentment to be found in acting in service to you.
May you find contentment...
Happiness is an impossibility for anything other than moments, but contentment can be enduring, if willing to consistently act in service to what you believe in. I hope that while I may not b e able to demonstrate what a good person is, you will be able to learn from someone content in their life, even if that life is limited. After all, we are all limited, aren't we?
As I spoke to my friend, I felt a deep sadness in the realization and while you might never know any different in memory, I will always know that I was not the best version of myself for you - just the best version I could be under the circumstances. I don't think it is enough, you deserve better, but it is the best I can do for you.
I hope you recognize that we are all limited, you too. But, we can all do something to recognize and perhaps improve - or at least, mitigate our limitations. Most of all, I hope you have a good life despite me and never have to feel the depth of sadness I have felt - but if you do, know that being sad isn't the end of the world - you can still be content - you can still do what you can.
I wrote this while you were in your dance class - never stop dancing.
❤️❤️ Love Daddy
The Endless Conversation
These are for my daughter and I will write them from time to time in the hope that one day, she will have a collection of our lives together to read through and get a perspective other than her own. Due to their nature, they aren't easy for me to write, but life keeps reminding me that there is such a thing as too late, so I have to be prepared before that happens. And while a personal and ongoing conversation, I do hope that those who may read these will find value, even if it is in the form of entertainment, like a fictional book that draws the reader in, with characters that become familiar. Life is hard at times for us all.