Ever since I was a kid, I always tried to fit in every single place I went. From doing stupid shit to make people laugh to agreeing with stuff I didn't agree with, I've never lived the way I wanted.
I created a public persona, that contains some aspects of me, but it's mighty influenced by the people I'm around. I always change my behavior according to the people I'm with.
Master of disguise.
I change my interests all the time, according to people I hang out with. Music styles are changed very regularly - I know stuff from a lot of genres, because you learn a ton when you adapt all the time.
I learn sports rules, because some friends like that sport and others like a different one.
Poker face.
I never fully understood the scale of this thing until the end of school a couple of years ago. We created a card with our name that everyone from the class wrote something in. A girl I didn't really hang out with wrote:
"I feel like you have a poker face on all the time, but you are nice anyway...."
Another one wrote :
"...You're sort of a weirdo, never laugh much, but I'll miss you anyway..."
I realized that maybe I'm not that good at pretending...
Always liked, never understood.
My act created sort of a status where everyone likes me for a friend, because I'm always interested in what they have to say and act like I care and like what they say.
But I feel like nobody really cares for me anymore, because I never tell anyone what I actually like, just bits I let through. People sometimes try to get to know me better and I pretend that there is nothing deeper about me, just the things I do and say normally.
I like to stylize myself as kind of a simpleton, who likes stupid jokes and says weird stuff.
People know I'm not dumb, but I don't really show that. That doesn't always work, sometimes I get into a conversation about something I know a lot about and lose myself and start saying a lot of facts and intelligent quotes and people just stand there and look at me and are like : "What just happened?"
There is hope.
I've always been me when I was alone. Lately, I've slowly stopped caring about what people think of me and started showing parts of real me. People thought I was acting rude haha - I stopped liking their stupid opinions and started voicing mine. I lost a few friends, but what kind of a friendship is it, if it's only based around me kissing your opinions?
I feel as I am getting more lonely, I'm becoming more ME, hopefully ME isn't an asshole
-Secret Writer
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