I laugh to myself as I start to write this because I originally wanted to write about a few topics about relationships and marriage but then once I decided on this topic, I knew this one topic would be enough. I truly feel as though almost everyone in a long term relationship can relate to this. "Just listening", could possibly be one of the hardest thing a guy can do. You would think just listening, not saying anything, and did I mention just listening would be so easy for a human being. Just sit there; just listen. Simple right? Well ladies, it's not that simple and it's something that may take men a while to master. Be patient with us as I try to explain a little more in detail.
Now as mentioned, with our blog there's nothing to hide. I struggle with this in my marriage and I'm sure I'm not the only one who does. I also have to give you fair warning that I was born and raised in Hilo, Hawaii, so if my sentences come out sounding as if I have a slight slang....it's probably because I do:)
Now allow me to try to explain my mindset about this topic. I can honestly say that I'm programmed in a way that if someone comes to me complaining or asking advice about a problem, I immediately start to think of solutions. Problem + Solutions = Problem Solved. Yes ladies, I know, first big mistake. Allow me to explain the reason why I do that. First, I feel as though something that may seem so outrageous or so complicated can be fixed if certain steps are taken. I mean imagine that; taking a few steps and finding solutions to an issue will allow you to never experience that problem again, in turn creating a better and less stressful life for you. Eureka!
Next, I truly feel as though there are so many other problems that we face on a daily basis that any opportunity to get rid of lingering challenges should be taken advantage of. Why pile it on and add to the other stresses and challenges that life may throw at you?
I'll admit, and my amazing wife knows this, but I honestly want to fix things because as harsh as it sounds, I sometimes simply don't want to hear about it in the future knowing that if we just had taken a few steps, the problem would be solved. Men, learn from my mistakes and here's where lessons can be learned.
My wife has explained to me that she already knows the answers to the problem she has brought to my attention. Surprise, surprise! She has already spoken to 5 of her friends about it for hours at a time but miraculously has enough energy to want to talk to me about it since I'm her intimate partner in life. She ultimately just wants to be heard, may want to vent at times, and just wants to be comforted. She wants to feel as though she has a partner that she can connect with and someone who she can share her day with. And guys, don't think that your wife won't find someone else that listens to her better than you do.
So how can you learn to just listen? Simple. Pray for super powers. Just kidding. What has helped me is to:
Really learn how to let her get it all out without trying to fix the problem. I think it's called "Just Listening".
Let her vent all she wants and be engaged in the conversation.
Learn how to be empathetic.
This may sound silly but take deep breathes, fight yourself to not say anything, and stay focused.
Learn how to be compassionate and control your frustration.
And finally learn and trust that she already knows the answers to the problem. Trust in that she will eventually "fix the problem" on her own and you will probably never hear about it again.
Trust in that it may take a lifetime to master this but if we all start now, we could possibly start improving our relationships and marriages. I'm sure there will be more blogs like this as my wife and I go through this amazing journey called Married Life together. I'm thankful for her patience, thankful for her, and did I mention thankful for her patience? :) Remember, there are three certainties in life. Death. Taxes. And if you always try to fix things, it's highly likely you'll be sleeping on the couch a lot.
P.S - I kindly ask you share this with your friends who are married but most of all, I leave you with a short video explaining what I just wrote above:)
Blayne