First off, I don't really have the credentials to be talking about this, but I do have a practical application in sticking my foot in my mouth and I'm still alive to tell the tales. That being said, I've either gained a few transferable skills or have had incredible luck navigating dick measuring competitions, fabricated spartan altruism and many a shark week. If you're offended by the term "shark week", calm down. It's a joke. Oh wait- that's just the kind of instigation that threatens to end a life in the wrong moment depending on how fast you can run or how well you can dodge the many items that may be within reach at that inopportune moment.
Jokes aside, it could take so much less than a snide or silly comment to be "banished to the doghouse" or to have your ass chewed out worse than Chewbacca after a bad case of the runs if you have a close domestic partnership with a woman or have a chance meeting in the wrong place and time.Granted, you ladies deal with a lot and I feel for you, but try as we may, most of us men are completely oblivious to so many things, it often feels like a cosmic joke. For the record, I'm a straight guy who's had a number of close female partners and friends in life. In my experience of these things, I 'm an idiot and there is no fighting nature, so, it's best to be prepared.
Although I'm going to start with my "shark week survival guide", I'm going to follow with some general insights that I've found helpful in wearing the idiot badge with pride and honor by shining it up and owning it. First, though, we must address shark week. Here's some basic guidelines:
Learn to recognize the signs of the change. There are too many to list. If you're a complete moron and have no sense of anything, a calendar reminder on your phone may save a limb from being bitten off. This method is about as effective as pulling out, though. It requires some level of self awareness. If you're on baby number 8 and you're still working on that game, you might want to just ignore this rule and learn how to diffuse the situation when you inevitably mess up.
Now that you have somewhat of a clue to when you can expect to meet mother nature at her most fierce, understanding needs to meet preparation. Emergency chocolate might save your life. A well timed toss may give you enough time to make it to the shallow where sharks dare not tread, unless in dire straits. If you've forgotten or neglected to prepare yourself for this moment, you're shit out of luck here. Move on to number 3.
Because she know's you're a complete idiot that's totally incapable of empathy and couldn't possibly have a clue of what she's going through because this is the first time that this has ever happened, the best course of action when you finally clue in and find yourself unprepared in that moment of realization is to simply tell her to calm down. This usually works, but if it doesn't, move on to number 4.
Now that her defenses are down and you're both having a good time, it's probably time to make a joke. Something referring to going for a hike so that you know the bears won't eat you because you're walking with live bait ought to work. Can't go wrong with a tried ad true.
Laugh at your joke. She think it's funny too, but she's in too much pain to laugh and she appreciates that you asked her to spend time with you. The fact that she's moving quickly towards you is because she wants to hug you. Don't show any signs of fear. She will smell it on you. Her hands around your throat are just a side effect of her laughing uncontrollably at your incredible and sensitive sense of humor. If none of this works, move on to number 6.
Be careful what advice you take from guys when it comes to shark week. Men are idiots when it comes to this stuff. Ask your girlfriend of female friend to help you. You will need it if you're going to survive this life.
Of course, this isn't a comprehensive list of strategies. It's just a pocket book. If you need the full guide, just ask. I'll be more than happy to help you out, but I digress.
Jokes and tangents aside, now that I've displayed my in depth ability to get myself into stupid arguments, you should have a good understanding where any of the insights on solving disagreements come form. I've tried to appease, please, joke, diffuse, convince, disprove, dominate, obliterate, destroy or humiliate people into seeing things from my view point out of the need to be right or the need to be minimize conflict out of comfort. In the heat of the moment, it mostly seemed justified, but was rarely well received for some reason. It could have been the overwhelming need to come out on top, the inability to concede, even if it meant a peaceful resolution, or the simple fact that I was often being an asshole without taking any responsibility for what I said or did. I can face facts in these things, because I know that I was wrong.
Through all the arguments, disagreements, fights and debates I've had in relationships, specifically, there is one thing that I've learned to be more important than anything else.That is to own my own shit and apologize for it. Not out of need to diffuse the situation, but to acknowledge wrong doing in order to open the dialogue and begin to understand why the behavior happened to begin with. This doesn't instantly solve things. In fact, it'll probably make them worse for a while, especially of your partner sees it as a spartan victory that they lord over you. That tends to create more arguments that will leave you feeling deflated if you don't have the backbone to lean in and tell them how you're feeling about the situation. This is where it gets messy.
Now that you've opened up this door, you're going to have to have some uncomfortable conversations. While you might not feel like that's a good thing, it's real. You're expressing yourself openly and allowing the dialogue to flow from your lips rather than with-holding the reasons for your behavior. If you don't understand the reasons for your behavior, the difficult truth is that you may not be as self aware as you need to be to grow through this as a couple without outside help and that's ok. One you have that help, or if you're self aware enough to realize why you're saying or doing things, you have to unpack that in those uncomfortable conversations where you may not agree on things and talk about your point of view and their point of view so that you both have an understanding of where the other is coming from. this is the only way to get to the next step, or the proverbial pot will continue to boil over and make a mess of your stove top and cascade down the line into who cleaned the stove top last.
This next step is the best step. It comes from a lot of hard work and determination to quit having the same arguments day after day. This step is simply:
When something bothers you and you act out, take the time to realize why you've acted out, apologize and explain the reasons that you've reacted poorly to what has caused the feelings that prompted you to act out. Take the time to have the conversation and do your best to ground the conversation in rationality and hear all sides of what's happened. Having this one conversation and resolving the feelings on it will lay a foundation of something to remember and refer to so that when something similar happens again it can be referenced. This will make it much easier to acknowledge the behavior and realize why and how it happened and how to resolve it because you've already done the work of having the difficult conversations that got you there.
This is, of course, just my opinion and it's very far from perfect. In my experience,having the hard conversations up front usually leads me to less heated and much less frequent blow outs because we've already built the foundational language to our relationship by building boundaries and understanding from the start. That goes for any relationship when articulated properly.
I'll leave you with one last tip for anyone dealing with the daily fear of violence due to hanger... it's called an emergency granola bar. Just remember not to throw it, because any sign of aggression could lead to nuclear meltdown. I, for one, don't have a resolution to that one!
If you made it this far through this rambling tangent, thanks for taking the time to read the unraveling thoughts of my mind. I had no idea what to write about tonight, hence the pocket version of the shark week survival guide.
Much love and I hope you're well!
