In my mind no.04 Depression & love/herd [#21]



For about 8 years of depression I was eating up my emotions.
I've already written what it was like to be big and what made me lose 40kg in 6 months. Next I wrote about psychology behind weight loss.
I wrote also about diet bad habits - sugar and fat.

Today I will focus only on depression part.

  • Beginnings of My depression For TLDR (Too Long, Didn't Read):
    You can skip this section and start reading after the first picture.

The story begins at the end of elementary school, when I was still a relatively happy child.

My development in relation to my peers was delayed by a few years.

While my peers were pulling the girls' braids, I played a fight with my own hands in the corner. In others, hormones were raging.
Meanwhile, I was playing with plastic soldiers, dolls or toy cars.

I rarely talk to anyone. Thus, I did not develop skills in communicating with people. To this day, I try to make up for the shortcomings, and until I get to know someone better, I don't know how to talk with them πŸ˜….

I was one of the quietest children in the class.
The teacher reprimanded me only once by writing a remark.
I liked to draw the contours of Europe with a pen, the borders of countries with a pencil, and I made conquests. The teacher remark was
MichaΕ‚ does not pay attention during the lesson and draws maps.
I love irony of it, because that was a geography lesson. 😁

I was accepted by my peers in a highly introverted form.

I couldn't keep my focus on my studies and the only book I read was "About the Dog Who Rode the Railroad" - only through my mother's eyes πŸ˜….

So the secondary school-leaving examination was also poor.
Barely passing, I ended up in high school, which did not need the requirements of the average grade in the baccalaureate. My first high school colloquially was so low, they called Oxford with a sarcastic tease.

I was afraid of the new students. I didn't talk to anyone and it was quickly realized that I was the only person nobody knew.
Regular bully started and depression hit the salons of my head.


Summary TLDR people:
I grew up slower than my peers and didn't acquire any social skills. High school started and there were new peers around me. People I didn't fit among.

  • The most common cause of depression is the lack of herd

For at least a few million years our ancestors lived in herds.
Even when you were at the bottom of the hierarchy, you were part of a group.

Suddenly, there was a sedentary civilization and large groups of people.
Community, the basic need for herd animals (humans are also animals) has been replaced by noisy cities, lack of nature and isolation.
The eternal system in our head to keep us from dying is going crazy.
in previous posts I called that system a Monkey.

From this it can be concluded that we have millions of years of evolution in the subconscious belief that loneliness equals death.
It is intellectually known that in today's world you can live your life alone. Comfortable and self-sufficient with the right mindset.

However, it is difficult to explain this to the Monkey, who, terrified by the lack of belonging, makes us sad, and when we do nothing about it, it depresses

  • Finding any herd is not enough

Humans have become intelligent, so passionate creatures that just belonging is no longer enough. Our interests, vibrations, and needs vary too much. That is why I advise you to look for new people all your life, even if the current ones seem ok.

We may also not know our true nature and not even know what kind of people our heart wants to be among. We can be an accepted, valuable member of the herd and still feel lonely. I know because for 8 years I have been accepted in many groups, and this is how I felt all the time.

At the time, I was not aware that these were not well suited to me herds, nor did I know what kind. Therefore, in every elementary school, self-discovery, community and how to look for passion should be learned.

  • Why Monkey force depression on us?

There may be many reasons for this. Every depression is different
I am describing my perspective, which may not be appropriate for everyone.
We feel sadness, when our Monkey want us to slow down.

Every depression is different, there may be many reasons for this.
I am describing my perspective, which may not fit to many.

Sadnes is needed tool to heal and overcome obstacles

  • Depression in love πŸ’–

The Church instilled in my head a deceptive pattern of happiness. I thought I would be happy to find my significant other.
Someone I can care for, love unconditionally. Someone who will enjoy seeing me, spend time, adore me.

I was romanticizing almost like Werther.
I fell in love with the lyrics of the Polish band Myslovitz.
"For you, I could do anything you want, just say."
Because without love, depression was entering a higher level of voidness.
So I was desperate for a girlfriend as soon as another relationship fell apart.

Effect? I was changing unhealthy behaviour, for another one.

When I was looking for a relationship in depression, I was like that pillar that leaned against the other. Fate blows, or either of us shake and we both fall.

The truth is different, happiness can be found within
Love yourself first, only then can you look for the other half - who also loves themselves. Don't make love ➑️ a hospital.

  • And how to love yourself? That's what this blog is about.

I have already described the first important elements needed to love yourself:
Monkey mind, Being authentic and Meditation.

All the topics I want to cover here are complex and require a holistic view. I get stressed every day, not knowing what to write about.
What to discuss first? How to make it so that it is understood? Am I reliable enough to write about it? Am I writing leisurely enough?

I am asking you for patience, dear reader. This is the first time I'm learning to write articles.
Step by step and I will be able to write down all my experiences.
The story of how you can go from everyday thoughts of suicide
to deeply love and enjoy spending time with oneself.

Next post on why depressed people don't reach out for help.
Remember that after every night comes day. πŸŒƒπŸŒ†πŸŒ‡πŸŒ€οΈπŸŒž


The main reason why I started this blog is to tell my story.
I've grown a lot thru my lifetime and learned things I believe should be taught in primary school, as a human right.
Teachings about basic human needs, self-discovery, search for passion, cooperation, need of tribe, love, how to grow, healthy lifestyle for both physical and mental health.
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