Sometimes, when I am busy I forgot everything that I been through my life. You can see me in the positive condition doing my job most especially last few days ago, I was too busy. My time was being occupied and no place to feel the real burden in my heart. I didn't want that my work and employers relation between me will be affected. Pretending to smile, laugh and mingle with some people in the party but deep inside there was something abnormal feeling that I fought to survive. Once again, I succeeded and won a good fight within it by the guidance of God above.
Yesterday, I was not busy unlike the previous days. But emptiness stucked and sucked my inner self. When I heard the earthquake news in my place and some other problems around shaken me. I was doing supposed to do a live stream to unlock my minutes view and someone was sponsoring for the prices but it turned me out to a very emotional live. I was talking that we need to return and surrender our life to God to help pray to save the sicked environments, the people and the universe from shaking of earthquakes, storms and unbearable trials of the mankind. As I continue talking, there was so many memories adding to my bad condition. My heart hurts so badly until I didn't able to control my emotion. I was happy that some old friends came to my live stream and comforted me. God knows what is deep inside of me and if I won't cry, it will take away my energies.
I took a picture and see my pitiful version but I know some of you don't like drama but please understand and respect the feeling that I had. How many times I promised not to cry but crying is always my comfort zone, it released my doubt and pain whatever how you judge me.
Crying time that helped me to survived. Heartache and heartbreak made me stronger after the tears overflowing my face. I am weak because I am a real loving person who knows how to sacrifice for goodness of other people and not for me. I am not thinking for myself. I am not happy for myself and I felt being a better version of me when I priorities other. It includes my family and those people who deserves my love. I remember before, when I was in love I was sticking to only one. But life was too unfair he played my love and he realized it when my love vanished away. I focused to my work abroad and he died. Until now when it comes to love, its too unfair to me. How I wish someone could love me to share my remaining life but it is just a dream that never comes true. I wasted my 18 years of being alone. It is too late to desires it since I am already old enough for a certain situation. It made me cry sometimes and try to focus to my grandchildren and son. But I am human to feel the emptiness that I only realized lately. Many tears and sleepless night that I was fighting this feeling and I found myself desperately hopeless.That is the weaker version of me. But when I woke up in the morning, I found myself the strongest me. Tears are only one of the weapon I used to stay and wiped away the pain and build the best part of my life, today and tomorrow. If tomorrow will never comes, at least I am now in the spirit of enthusiasm and keep the love that I have before I die.
I was just emotional because of many things that happen to my life but once again, I SURVIVED!
Thank you for reading. Thank you @asean.hive admin and community members who are there for me during my ups and down. @olivia08 will live forever. I may die but you will be here to remember me. To my #hiveph friends, thank you so much😇😇😇!
Hive On!
Nanay Deevi